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Sammy2013 posted 10/19/2013 08:20 AM

Hello! I'm new and really hope I have finally found a supportive page! I've been to a couple and every bit of advice was to get an attorney on Monday. It hasn't been productive for me at all. Some BG...married 12 years, 3 kids, hubby travels. He reconnected with old work colleague while at a conference, they went to conference and then spent hours romantically walking around San Francisco. Night ended with hugging and awkward kissing. They continued long distance emotional affair for a couple of weeks before both deciding it wasn't right. Then she contacted him again and said she didn't want to stop friendship. She also had problems in her marriage. He told me about the EA about a month ago. The gritty details a couple of days ago, after weeks of me pushing. He did it very slowly, lied about being in same city as her last week, which led to the kissing finally being revealed. She was supposed to get a job working and traveling with him. So we were kind of on hold until we found out if she got it. I told him our marriage would be over if she took the job, I couldn't trust him ever in that situation. He says he told her that when he saw her last week in her town (when he told me he was some place else) and she didn't take the job "because she didn't want to be responsible for that."

Anyway, we have decided to work in it. He has cut off all contact with her and has apologized, agreed he shouldn't have lied about going to her city (of course he claims he was protecting me by not telling me) I'm having what are typical reactions (he told me 2 days ago about kissing her and I haven't kissed him since, which is stupid because we were intimate when he first told me about the EA, but it's different when you know details?). I'm just scared this will be it for us. That I won't ever trust him at all every again. How do I do this?

I'm hoping this will be a safe site to tell him to come that will help us. I am also looking for marriage counselors. He seems sincere in wanting to fix us. I'm just in that "don't believe anything, heartbroken, shocked" stage. I broke down in tears last night for a couple of hours. Just couldn't stop crying. He didn't see it, I didn't want him to.

So any tips for me to not hinder the reconciliation would be great. Our marriage wasn't perfect and I acknowledge my faults and want to work in them. I refuse to take the blame for his EA, but know if I had addressed my issues earlier, it might not have happened.

Raven96 posted 10/19/2013 09:19 AM

Welcome, Sammy2013. I'm sorry you are here, but I'm glad you found us.

Everyone here has been amazing for me. They tell it like it is and have wonderful advice, which is exactly what a person needs in this situation.

Only you and your WS (wayward spouse) can decide what you want to do. If you have chosen R, you must realize that there is A LOT of hard work in front of you. Your WS has to do the heavy lifting, though, since HE caused this.

Seeing an attorney isn't a bad idea for anyone in our shoes...if only to have the knowledge of what we are looking at should things not work out as planned. That, also, is a personal choice.

It concerns me that he met up with her in her city as recently as a week ago and lied to you about where he was. Please read the articles in the Healing Library in the yellow box in the upper left hand corner. There is a FAQ section that is also very helpful.

It is encouraging that he is willing to go to MC. I hope you find one that helps. They're not all the same, so if you don't feel comfortable with one, don't hesitate to keep looking until you find the right one.

There will be others along that will give you better advice than me, but I just wanted you to know that we are all here for you.

I hope you have a good day today.

doesitgetbetter posted 10/19/2013 09:45 AM

I'm so sorry you had to come here Sammy, but I'm so glad you found us!

Ok, I want you to listen carefully. Some things you will read on here will not make you happy. You will think to yourself "but they don't know him like I do, they didn't see the look in his eyes when he told me xyz, they aren't me, they haven't been in my situation and know what's going on in our lives". But the truth is, we ARE you, we HAVE seen the look in his eyes when he's "confessing", we HAVE been in your situation, and we know exactly where the road you're on leads. So please keep that in mind when reading some of the difficult things you will read.

Some of us are also jaded by our own experiences. So there are definitely going to be some harsh responses at times, but take what you need and leave the rest.

Ok, now to talk about your situation.

I want to tell you that the likelihood that your WH (wayward husband) has told you the truth about his physical encounter is about the same as your chance of winning the lottery tomorrow. The WS almost always minimizes some aspect of the affair, they do it to "protect" the BS (betrayed spouse), and your WH has already lied to "protect" you at least once that you know of. We call this TT, or trickle truth. It's where the real truth comes out a little bit at a time to "spare" us anymore hurt. And it ALWAYS hurts when that TT finally starts to come out. So I want you to be prepared for the day when your WH tells you that he did in fact have sex with that woman while away at work. It is HIGHLY likely to have happened.... and he's also highly likely to swear on your childrens lives that it didn't happen. That's another common tactic that the WS uses, swearing on something you think they would never sully, but they do. ALL cheaters are liars (hence the cheating), so you know for a fact now that he is a liar regardless of what he swears upon that he isn't.

The general consensus around here is that while it is possible to trust your spouse again, you will likely never blindly trust them again. I call it the "trust but verify" trust. I'm almost 6 years out from DDay (the day I discovered my H's infidelities). We're in a very successful R (reconciliation) and he's been a model FWS (former wayward spouse) since the beginning. We did have a bout of TT, but he's been generally awesome since then. Still, I don't blindly trust him at all, and I won't ever again. I do trust him, but I will still check on him on rare occasions just to verify that he's still being honest. He's not happy with himself that I have to verify, but he completely understands it.

For your sanity, and the additional protection of your M (marriage), I highly recommend that you contact the OW's (other woman) husband and tell him what has been going on. Do NOT tell your WH that you are going to do this because VERY often the WS will then contact the AP (affair partner) and tell them what's coming, and the AP will tell their BS that some "crazy jealous person" has been claiming they were cheating with their spouse. This lays the groundwork for the other BS to not believe you, and therefor you get no help in keeping eyes on both AP's to help maintain NC (no contact). The other BS has a right to know what's going on his marriage as well as you do. He also has a right to get STD tested to protect his health as well. It will be difficult to tell him, but it will be beneficial to killing the affair for good. Affairs most often die when they are fully exposed, but not often before that.

Speaking of STD testing, get tested NOW! You have to ask your Dr. for the full panel test, and also specifically ask for Herpes testing as well. Keep in mind that some STD's take months or years to show a positive result. There's a pretty nasty one called HPV that causes cervical cancer in women and throat cancer in men, and it can take YEARS to show up, and there NO test for men for this disease yet. Get tested regardless of what he says because, remember, cheaters are proven liars and you certainly can't trust him about not having sex with her. I would also demand STD testing for WS as well.... H and I both got tested at the same time at the same facility and he was miserable about it.... too bad.

Keep in mind that MC and weekend retreats and such won't work unless he is completely out of his A. If he met her last week, it isn't over yet. He should write a NC letter and send it right away, you should read it first and omit any of those lovey dovey statements that the WS often includes. It's not meant to be a love note, it's meant to be a "geez, I really screwed up and need to work on my marriage so you're no longer allowed in my life in any way shape or form" kind of thing. There are more details about NC letters in the healing library. Read that whole library, it will be worth the time.

Think carefully before inviting WS here, some people find that their WS monitors them on here so they are not free to express their suspicions or concerns without the WS knowing what the BS is watching for.

Ok, I think that's enough for now. I don't want to overwhelm you. It's all information that is good to have and know. Take care of yourself.... eat when you can, drink fluids all the time, and sleep at any chance you get. It's also time to consider some SERIOUS boundaries for when WH is travelling for work because that is the time when he can go and do whatever he wants without thinking you can verify anything. Set your boundaries, and make sure you stick with them. It's hard to do, but necessary.

Take care Sammy, you WILL be ok. No matter what happens to your marriage, you WILL be ok.

painfulpast posted 10/19/2013 09:46 AM

Telling you about the EA a month ago, and then lying a week ago isn't a good sign. Is he looking for an IC?

Also, did he confess about the city visit issue, or did you find out and confront him?

You say you want a supportive place - that can mean a lot of things. Do you want support that is backing up your decision to R, or support that is in your best interest? I'm sure those saying to see an attorney were attempting to be supportive with your best interest in mind.

If you want support on your decision to R, then I think being clear that you will not divorce him is important.

Regardless, I hope you find what you're seeking in this site, as I am also seeking a place to discuss the affair and reconciliation issues. I've lurked here, and the members seem very supportive and caring.

sisoon posted 10/19/2013 17:52 PM

1) Both of you need to be tested for STDs.

2) Rather than jump into R with big lies just a week old, you'll probably be better off if you jump into 'working on your M'. Observe your H. If he is consistent in working toward R for several months, then you can commit, too. Otherwise, if he's not consistent, you'll have given yourself some protection.

3) What behavior should you observe? Read in the Healing Library for details, but in general, NC, IC for him, maybe MC, transparency, and honesty are the keys to success in R. Define your requirements for R, and then monitor your H and yourself.

4) IMO, it's best to keep SI a safe place for you. If you see something you want him to read, print it off (but delete the stuff that identifies your source).

5) If you're readers, I recommend NOT "Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. There are other recos in the Book Club forum here.

6) You can get lots of advice from SI. You get to choose which, if any, you follow.

Sammy2013 posted 10/20/2013 10:29 AM

Thank you for everyone's reply! They are helping me greatly. I am not calling it a full on reconciliation, but renaming it as "working on it". We had another of those wonderful gut wrenching, emotion stripping conversations yesterday. He finally seemed to get it and just keeps saying he's sorry to me. Which is good for now, but I told him it didn't fix anything. He agreed and we have an appointment for a counselor for next week. I also have and IC appointment as does he. For the first time I have a little hope that they didn't sleep together, but it is just a very small glimmer and he knows that. He said he knows he will work for the rest if his life getting my trust back, but that he loved me and our marriage and wants us back (he also deleted his FB account as It started to be a trigger for me because I was looking at her comments to him during the affair time period and it was upsetting me). So, he's saying all the right things, but I am keeping my eyes open and treading lightly. I also have a gyno appointment for next week. When I told him that he cried and said I didn't need to do that, but he understands why I am and hopes that when I come back clear it will help us move closer to our goal. Then he apologized again for doing this to me.

Again, thanks for all the responses! I am trying to stay grounded, hopeful, but smart and aware. I will update with, hopefully, good news along the way.

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