"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

deedug posted 10/19/2013 08:40 AM

Read my profile to get caught up to this point:
We attemped R. It never really materilized. I did try but you can only try so much before you give up and you get nothing in return. Was contemplating divorce then April 2012, H had a stroke. That stopped everything and flipped on survival mode. He has since made a mostly full recovery but after about a year of his recovery, I started feeling neglected again. and stuck. In desparation I put an ad for an FWB on CL. I started talking to men and loved the attention. My work was going well. I was feeling better about myself. I finally got the nerve up to start meeting some of them. And then I found one I really liked. ok...then I found another when the first shut me down for a while....and thats were it started going down hill. I will say that before I started seeing them, I told H I thought I wanted a divorce. And continued to tell him up till recently. I've just given up on him ever listening to me in just about any capacity. So in my mind I wasn't or didn't cheat. Was seeing my therapist the whole time. But as time progressed over the summer, I got more and more involved with the FWB's. Consuming my mind and my time. I'm now at a point where I am trying to let go of the FWB's (more on my side than theirs) and deal with where I am now.
I guess I'm trying to figure out what to do next. We've been living together but "separated" now for months. Yet with no communication on what should happen next. I'm starting to get nervous and scared. Like I'm going to have to leave and I don't want to leave my kids. I want to get my life back but I don't think I want to be married to my H anymore.
I suppose there was a part of me that was hoping that one of the FWB's was gonna "save me" but, yeah, no that didn't happen.
Is it possible that I was justified in what I did with FWB's? I just wanted an out to this farce of a marraige that was going to make everything right. Yeah, that was delusional.
I know I need to move forward with a divorce but I'm frozen.
Am I really a mad hatter?

[This message edited by deedug at 8:41 AM, October 19th (Saturday)]

Williesmom posted 10/19/2013 08:48 AM

I don't know what I would call you, but what you did was wrong.

In my mind, you are either:
Married
Not married.

You are married. It is wrong to see others while you're married. If you don't want to be married, get a divorce.

I'm sorry.

summerain posted 10/19/2013 08:49 AM

well I couldn't reply without saying I don't have the life experience of children and the nature of infidelity or a husband with medical problems, or being married as long as you have been.

With that disclosure made, I have what I'm sure is a unpopular opinion. I don't think you've cheated from what I've read. I don't think you have been married for a long time or had a real relationship.

I think you wanted an 'exit affair' but that hasn't happened. I think you need to start planning your own exit and part of it isn't beating yourself up about your 'wayward' or 'mad hatter' ways.

I think guilt and remorse is useless in this situation because let's be honest the marriage you want will not materialise.

I may be being unnecessarily harsh, and if that's the case I apologise. But that is my point of view.

I wish you all the luck in the world, but I don't think you need to be lucky to get the life you want.

Bikingguy posted 10/19/2013 09:11 AM

I think you need to update your tag line because you absolutely cheated on your H! Sorry, but you are making this to be like a hollywood movie - H doesn't understand and it a terrible person. So that makes it OK to stay M but to have an A. No way!

You wish to continue to enjoy the company of other men, but want to stay M for the kids. That's the pure definition of cake eating.

I won't deny that as a BS and as we deal with this terrible mess have had thoughts of a revenge A. But hopefully we realize we have too much self respect to do that AND we know exactly the damage and destruction this would cause.

As mentioned above you are either M or not! Take to your H, if no response then it's time to leave.

SisterMilkshake posted 10/19/2013 09:25 AM

Yeah, that was delusional.

I feel everything you posted was pretty delusional. FWB's from Craigslist? Really? Seriously? I mean, that is just the dregs. How could you do that to yourself?

Did your H know you were posting on Craigslist? Did he know you were dating and fucking? Random people, at that. Just from a purely safety point, wth?

Have you gotten STD testing? That is imperative I feel.

You were cheating and you know it. How many of our WS's felt our marriages were "over" so it didn't matter if they cheated? Countless. You divorce or at least legally separate (with intentions to divorce) before you go fucking around.

heme posted 10/19/2013 09:32 AM

WOW. Yes, this was cheating. If you are married don't look around. If you want to look around get a divorce. Sounds like a lot of people who cheat.

deedug posted 10/19/2013 09:53 AM

I get it. The general consensus is that I cheated. I'm fine with saying that. And to be clear I did let him know I was seeing people as well. There does come a point where one is just desperate. And that was/is where I am. Just too scared to move to the full fledged divorce. Intellectually I know that is what must be done.

SisterMilkshake posted 10/19/2013 10:09 AM

You told your husband you were going to fuck people you met on Craigslist? What did he have to say about that? Is he cheating now, too?

doesitgetbetter posted 10/19/2013 10:11 AM

Well, if you haven't even filed divorce papers, then you can't even PRETEND that you're not really married, which would then mean that you HAVE in fact cheated.

And seriously, finding FWB on Craigslist? Do you have a death wish to go along with your newfound lack of morals? How great would your self esteem feel if you were followed home by one of the psychos you found online, and he raped and murdered your children? I mean seriously, there are some insanely crazy people on Craigslist, and they OFTEN troll the NSA section.

If anyone told you you were justified in cheating on your H, then I guess his own affair would have to have been justified as well, wouldn't it? So I guess you should ask yourself, was HIS affair justified? If not, then I guess yours wasn't either.

Seriously, have a backbone and do the right thing. Think about what you're teaching your children, and exposing them to. I wonder how much they'll like taking care of you while you're dealing with advanced stage AIDS because you needed a self esteem fix from a stranger.

I am SO mad right now I could spit.... in case you couldn't tell. This is just disgusting. YES YOU'RE A MAD HATTER!!!!!

jo2love posted 10/19/2013 10:14 AM

This thread has now been moved to the WS forum. Please give support and post respectfully. Thank you.

deedug posted 10/19/2013 10:30 AM

I understand I shouldn't have posted in the general section. But I'm kind of taken aback at the level of anger. I guess not knowing everything might be causing some of this.

Look I know I haven't gone about this the right way & that I was looking for an exit. I suppose I was coming here to get some support. Some help to move on. I apologize if I angered anyone

SisterMilkshake posted 10/19/2013 10:40 AM

(((deedug))) I am not angry. I am appalled that you think so little of yourself that you went to CL's to NSA or FWB's to lift your self esteem. It is frightening to me that you exposed yourself to disease and craziness. That does speak of desperation to me and makes me very sad for you.

You said you have a therapist. Did your therapist know you were answering ads on CL? What did your therapist have to say about that?

Technically, I feel you cheated because you aren't divorced and you are still living together although "separated". Does that mean that you sleep in different rooms?

I don't feel you were justified. As someone else posted, was your H's affair justified? It works both ways.

deedug posted 10/19/2013 10:57 AM

Thanks.

Yes I told him. And based on my history he felt it was a way for me to get some far over boost to my damaged ego. But he told me to let it go. And that's where I got stuck. And am here now. Trying once again to get unstuck.

As for opening myself up to things on cl. Yeah it was stupid but you are right in that it is telling to the level of my desperation. But please don't feel that I blindly took on anyone with out doing my own research and verifications. And yeah, I've been checked. I'm clean. And they were too. I may be desperate but not 100% crazy.
I want out but am to scared to do it. And that's just the bottom line. Ive done as much as I can to salvage whats left here, if there is anything. But my own lack of self esteem is still holding me back (as you can see).

And to one of the earlier posts, yes you are right, its been over for 10 years and I've just not been able to accept it or do the hard work of getting it done.

And this is why I've come back here for support. This sight has helped me tremendously over the years and I value the opinions on here.

its now that I need the most help.

SisterMilkshake posted 10/19/2013 11:12 AM

What are you working on in therapy? Whatever it is, I don't feel that this therapist is helping you in the right way, if you are being honest with your therapist.

This is what I am getting from your posts. That you don't feel strong enough for anything. That you need to be "rescued". You don't feel like you can stand on your own two feet.

Yes. You. Can. Easier said than done. Make a list of things that you need to do to move forward with a divorce. Take it one step at a time. First, tell your H that you WANT a divorce, not "think" you do. Second, make an appointment with a divorce lawyer. Doesn't mean you have to file right away. Just go talk to one and see what your rights are. (you don't have to leave and leave your kids)

Make a list and determine to do one thing on the road to divorce list every week. I hope others come along soon to help you. As I am not divorcing, I really am clueless as how to exactly proceed. Have you read anything in the Divorce/Separation forum? There might be some really good advice in there.

I am really sorry that your H didn't step up and truly reconcile with you.

UnexpectedSong posted 10/19/2013 11:14 AM

When are you filing your divorce papers?

deedug posted 10/19/2013 12:51 PM

Milkshake. That is what I need to do. & hear. Thank you. I have seen an attorney when we were separated last. It will be just a 50/50 split. Including kids. Although my daughter is 16 now so I believe she will have a choice. Hell I could end up paying him at this point.

SisterMilkshake posted 10/20/2013 11:10 AM

I have been thinking about you, deedug.

Two things stick out to me. One, did you make sure the FWB's partners weren't married or in relationships?

Second, you told your therapist that you were going to CL's to find random hook ups and he encouraged you to do that? (or, did you mean you told your husband?) If your therapist didn't feel that was not a good thing for you to do, I definitely feel you need a new therapist. What a crack pot! Encouraging clients to use CL for sexual encounters. WTH!

20WrongsVs1 posted 10/20/2013 11:55 AM

Welcome to the Wayward Side, deedug.

I'm not hearing you admit that what you did was, in fact, cheating. In your profile you indicate how angry you were, when WH was in contact with with an OW during your separation. What makes your situation so different than WH's, or mine, or any WS for that matter?

We listen to the Les Miserables soundtrack a lot in our household. A quote from Lovely Ladies hits me WRT your sitch. "C'mon dearie, why all the fuss? You're no grander than the rest of us."

Weclome to the sisterhood I bet you never thought you'd join, the WWs.