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Unagie posted 10/19/2013 08:45 AM

So last night my boss (female) text messages me about coming to work early. We have a nice camaderie so I answered sure and we went back and forth about me eating my first meal of the day so late at night. She called me weird and I said lol and left it at that. Next text says:

Actually this is her fiance. I borrowed her phone for a min. Going to give it back in a min.

Me: oh no problem.

He then sends a pic of himself, then one of my boss, then one of their daughter.

Me:very sweet family. My boss has shown us pics already she is an amazing woman.

Him: yes i just try to keep up she makes me look good. Thanks for all the complements.

Me: sure. I will talk to my boss in the morning.I'm going to go spend time with my boyfriend now (yes we're broken up but there is no need for me to bring that into my work) hope you both have a good night.

Him: you too, we will.

It made me very uncomfortable that he sent a pic and I immediately deleted and tried to disengage as politely as possible. Did I handle this right or was there something else I could have done?

NoGoodUsername posted 10/19/2013 09:11 AM

There is something very off here. My opinion, when you see your boss, ask what was up with her boyfriend texting you and sending pictures of the three of them.

This is a great chance to practice both boundaries and disclosure.

BaxtersBFF posted 10/19/2013 09:14 AM

It's kind of weird that he sent pics in the first place...seems like he has no filter for things like this. The only other thing to do would be to keep your responses as minimal as possible.

badchoice posted 10/19/2013 10:19 AM

To me it sounds like you are dealing with someone with boundaries that are a little off.

For me, this is an example of holding firm boundaries, when you are confronted with bad boundaries.

I think it is good that you felt uncomfortable, and reacted to that feeling. that's a great example of understanding your feelings, and having an appropriate response.

Remember, we cannot control others actions, but we can control how we act and react to their actions.

Unagie posted 10/19/2013 10:23 AM

Nogoodusername: I work from home so we don't actually see each other. Thats an awkward convo to have for work phone calls.

Baxter: I have no reason to have contact with him so limiting will not be difficult. I just founf it so weird he would send pics. That was the whole convo, I left nothing out. I was not forward or overly friendly, it just happened outta nowhere.

ThoughtIKnewYa posted 10/19/2013 10:59 AM

I'm confused- was it actually your boss the first time, asking you to come in early, or was it him?

WHY did you delete the conversation? I would have saved it in case your boss wanted to see it.

I would talk to her about it today to make sure she knows he's contacting her employees. This also lets him know that you won't be having conversations with him without her knowledge.

Unagie posted 10/19/2013 11:04 AM

TIKY it was my boss at first. Midway through she gave him her phone. I delete the pics because I saw no reason to have a pic of him, or her as much as I like her as a boss in my phone. I can speak to her about this, just not sure how to approach it.

ThoughtIKnewYa posted 10/19/2013 11:22 AM

It's awkward, for sure. I would just mention the pic he sent- how nice she looked or something- to let her know he did that.

My H has quite a few employees he oversees and I NEVER have any contact with them, so this just seems really strange to me.

Unagie posted 10/19/2013 12:20 PM

Okay so I told her the pics he sent were nice, that I didn't know he had her phone and that I was caught offguard and uncomfortable with the interaction. Hope that's enough.

ThoughtIKnewYa posted 10/19/2013 15:03 PM

That's all you need to do!

How did she respond? Was she aware he was doing that?

Unagie posted 10/19/2013 16:00 PM

No response as of yet. But I did what I needed to.

Softcentre posted 10/20/2013 09:50 AM

From a BS perspectve...maybe he was suspicious of her texting/calling you and was letting you know he existed etc in case you were an AP?

But I do think you need to raise it with her. Either she knew and expects you to say something (otherwise it would seem odd to not mention it). Or she doesn't know, but needs to. And you need to do it first thing, so that she knows you didn't keep it from her.

Really hard situation, but you can handle it.

Dark Inertia posted 10/20/2013 13:49 PM

My thoughts were that she was tied up with something, but asked him to text you for her. I dunno, I have done that myself many a times with my SO.

Unagie posted 10/20/2013 14:12 PM

Thanks guys. I spoke with her today on the phone and she said she didnt see my texts because he has her phone right now. I read her what I wrote her and she said she understood, that he does that to her friends trying to be friendly all the time but she hope I didn't feel too uncomfortable. It was pretty much done after that.

TrulySad posted 10/21/2013 08:17 AM

I know you've already spoken with her, but when I first read your post my mind went to something else completely.

Is there a chance she has reason to not trust her F or you, and those texts were sent as a test? Maybe fishing to see if you'd be flirty back, in your responses?

I know she says he does that kind of thing with her friends, but I still think it's very odd. As a BGF, testing females to see if they are "safe" around him, wouldn't be unheard of. And if I was asked by you, I'd probably lie and cover it up by saying he's just silly that way. The last thing I'd want is for people to be extra careful, and me lose the chance at finding out something.

Just another thought...

And yes, I think you did a good job of handling it. Also, by asking here for additional thoughts...

[This message edited by TrulySad at 8:20 AM, October 21st (Monday)]

Unagie posted 10/21/2013 14:29 PM

Trulysad considering I hav never met her in person and have never had contact with her F previous to this I doubt she lacks trust in me. No one save those we told directly after our A's know anything about it and I am extremely vigilant about any interactions with those of the opposite sex. I have no idea why (something to explore) but your idea that I did something to make me seen untrustworthy hit me in the gut, perhaps because of how much internal work I've done in the past 13 months. Thank you all again for your advice.

TrulySad posted 10/21/2013 16:04 PM

I'm sorry! The last thing I wanted was for what I wrote to affect you like that.

I was thinking maybe your boss was having some of her own issues with her fiance, and maybe as a result, was checking to see if other women were "safe" around him. But if you don't see either one of them, and there isn't any chance of an upcoming meeting to include him, then that makes no sense.

Just the fact that you were worried, and not just for yourself, but for her also, shows a lot as far as how far you've come in all of this.

Unagie posted 10/21/2013 16:26 PM

Its fine Trulysad I know you weren't trying to do anything but give me advice. It was an interesting reaction to explore. Thanks.

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