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My NB relationship just went down in flames

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cayc posted 10/19/2013 09:41 AM

I'm sitting here sort of stunned. I've been dating a guy since last April, and it turned into an LDR around August. We had been making plans for him to move here with me, talking marriage, etc.

I knew he had a temper and the second time I went to visit him once we were LDR it came out in spades. But I thought we worked through it. Then it happened again really badly but again I thought we worked through it.

Apparently not, because it just happened again. And it is unreal. The horrible ugly things he said. Including telling me I deserved what my xWH did to me and I was asking to get run over.

And I don't participate in the ugliness at all. All I do is defend myself against his charges, tell him I don't think bad things about him, tell him that what he's saying/doing is hurting me, and point out inconsistencies that make it hard to know what to say (such as telling me you need X, I offer to buy X, you tell me to stop trying to be your mother. So the next time you say you need X, I say oh what are you going to do about it, and you get angry at me for not offering. So which is it? Offer or not?)

The ridiculous things he said, e.g. a text this morning telling me that he wants to be clear he's done & never wants to see me again. And if I need to hear it in person just let him know. Seriously dude. That makes no sense.

I'm so in shock at the moment I can't even really post all the details. And stupidly I lent him a lot of money which I'll probably never see. Funny that, given that one of his charges is that I'm selfish. Right.

Wow. I guess I will be a cat lady after all. Fuck me.

[This message edited by cayc at 9:42 AM, October 19th (Saturday)]

InnerLight posted 10/19/2013 10:02 AM

I'm so sorry that sounds horrible. You don't deserve to be treated with such disrespect. You know you are going to be better off without him. Take really good care of yourself.

((((cayc))))

nowiknow23 posted 10/19/2013 10:09 AM

Oh, honey. Ugly doesn't begin to describe the abusive crap he said to you!

(((((((cayc)))))))) You do NOT deserve any of this. Sending you strength and comfort, hon.

cmego posted 10/19/2013 10:12 AM

FTG. Seriously.

I am beginning to wonder if the first time you see something "scary" or "off", such as a peek into a temper...do we give them a chance or do we walk away assuming there is more where that came from?

(((cayc)))

thebighurt posted 10/19/2013 10:21 AM

What a douche!! I'm so sorry (((cayc))). As much as it hurts at the moment, it sounds like it's for the best.

The temper and inconsistent messages sound like xpos, and that's NOT a good thing. I think something like that would be a big enough red flag to be a deal breaker for me, or at least I would hope so. I don't want to deal with that from someone I'm supposed to be able to trust with my well-being.

I agree that you won't likely see any of the money you loaned him. I hope that doesn't put you in a bad place financially. (((cayc)))

jo2love posted 10/19/2013 10:25 AM

((((Cayc))))

cayc posted 10/19/2013 10:29 AM

I hadn't pegged him as dirtbag so who knows about the money. It's a lot but at the same time, I guess I can muddle through. I did have him sign a promissory note, but if he doesn't have the money, which he doesn't, the that's to going to help much. Damn, what an expensive lesson to learn.

The first few times this happened I thought, oh we need to learn how to fight, or maybe he's right, maybe I am pushing his buttons. But this go round makes it so clear that it's all him. All his insecurities.

But I'm still stunned b/c among the other comments were "well I guess the fairytale was too much to believe in" etc. I can see this guy is hurting bad. But why attacking me could help is beyond me.

But no. I won't be responding to the latest volley and there will be no second chances. These things he has said are unforgivable.

But I'm stunned and shocked and sad. That's there too. I thought we had something special.

thebighurt posted 10/19/2013 10:43 AM

But no. I won't be responding to the latest volley and there will be no second chances. These things he has said are unforgivable.

If only I had known this years ago. xpos would give what he considered an apology, or at least as close as he ever came to one, after one of the MANY unforgivable things he did to me that I let slide. His "apology" was something along the line of, yeah, sorry, let's have sex cuz you've been mad a while so I'm due. Not in those words, but I realize now that was the meaning behind his non-apology.

I should have thought more of me, but IC has taught me a lot about the reasons behind that. NEVER AGAIN!!

She11ybeanz posted 10/19/2013 11:00 AM

FTG. Seriously.

This reminds me of sperm donor... he could be so sweet and I thought we were so perfect for each other "some of the time" but then there were times when he could be so ugly and say awful emotionally abusive things to me.....things that not even my XWH ever said to me. It was terrible and no one deserves to be talked to or treated that way.

Run...do not walk away from this man. Do not let his magnetic pull draw you back in with apologies and promises "that it will never happen again" and how much he loves you.... been there done that. They always try to come back... and they always do it again.

Abuse.... rinse. Repeat.

((cayc))

fireproof posted 10/19/2013 11:07 AM

I am sorry! Although it sounds like he did you a favor. You didn't marry him.

No one should ever even your future SO should say that you deserved what happened- it is cruel! It doesn't matter how angry they are at the time.

Gently the money is a huge issue. Only give or lend money you never expect to see again. Even then with an SO it is tricky and unless you are engaged I wouldn't or at least a payment plan in place. His behavior displays his respect for you.

Stay strong and know you deserve a ton better and now you are fortunate to find a better match.

heartbroken_kk posted 10/19/2013 11:54 AM

cayc, stand up for yourself and demand that he pay you back the money you lent him. NOW.

Tell him you are now going to roll over and play dead just because he decided to have a mantrum.

notmeanymore posted 10/19/2013 12:07 PM

I second asking for the money back. He can borrow it from someone else who he hasn't verbally abused.

Don't let him get away with this.

better4me posted 10/19/2013 12:31 PM

Ah. Such a jerk he was. We are hopeful that people can change because that is what we are supposed to do...give second chances when people seem to really mean the "I'm sorry". I've learned that third or fourth chances are really more about me than about them (can I trust you this time? Have you really learned? Are you really not going to behave that way again?)...when I've reached my limit, I've reached it. Something inside me changed about that, after my marriage imploded. I'm less trusting than I was before. I'm much less apt to give a third or fourth chance, and I'm not completely sure that is a good thing. But cayc, that kind of temper is damaging...and abusive...and you did the right thing to end it; or to "allow" it to end.

I hope that when the shock subsides, you will see that you did not deserve any of his vitriol. Ever.

wildbananas posted 10/19/2013 12:45 PM

FTG.

(((cayc)))

courageous posted 10/19/2013 13:25 PM

I'm so sorry he hurt you. Please know that you NEVER deserved the treatment from your ex and not from a SO.

((Cayc))

Chrysalis123 posted 10/19/2013 13:34 PM

Ask for the money back.

NaiveAgain posted 10/19/2013 14:55 PM

This guy is abusive. You only dated since spring and he is already losing his temper with you and saying ugly things to you? Be glad you found out before you got more emotionally/financially/legally entangled with him. He is gaslighting you with his games and changing his mind on what he wants from you and you are already confused and wondering what in the world is happening here. It will only get worse.

Block him.

(((hugs))) Sorry....

tabitha95 posted 10/19/2013 15:12 PM

cayc...do you think he has a drug or alcohol problem?

I discovered by ex-SO was an alcholic and he behaviour would become so volatile with other people. When we finally ended things, his vile came out on me and it was such a shock to have him treat me the way he did.

cayc posted 10/19/2013 15:20 PM

What's crazy is that it started yesterday over email (we habitually talk all day long via email) and he was a dick, but sort of at the level of "if you apologize then we have something to work with" level. But then I woke up this morning to a long string of texts that contained the most heinous things I've ever had anyone say to me inc the bon mot about my xWH. As I read it I wasn't even hurt as much as I was "dude, what in the hell is the napalm for????"

It took a good friend to point out to me that it was likely alcohol induced. And given that he uses ambien too my guess is it was a mix meaning he likely didn't even know he was doing it as he did it. But he did do it. And even if I could forgive him, how can I forget?

This morning I get a weak ass little boy tail between his legs text telling me none of what he said is true, he's sorry and he'll never contact me again. Mmm hmm. Again, a fulsome apology with a willingness to say hey, maybe I need some anger mgmt therapy or AA or something might have made me willing to talk but that apology?

I'm going to give it a few days and then contact him about the repay plan as in what is it. I've got the promissory note so I could go the legal route but I don't think I'll have to.

You know, I'm sad about this. It really didn't have to come to this. All he had to do was talk to me about how he was feeling (his insecurities) instead of creating some sham thing to be angry about, attack me and then completely lose his mind.

It's got me reflecting back on some of the shit xWH used to say to me. For some reason when this guy did it to me, I was able to see it for the BS it was immediately as well as recognize that I wasn't doing anything wrong nor being passive aggressive nor mean nor anything except forthright, but with xWH, I really took what he said to heart. I wonder why that is. Why even now I still think there is a part of xWH that's impressive/brag worthy. Why I still feel the need to defend myself in the face of whatever it is he might be saying to my colleagues behind my back....

caregiver9000 posted 10/19/2013 15:31 PM

(((cayc)))

ah, I am so sorry. What a harsh wake up from "I thought" life was good.

I am proud of you for the rejection of his bullshit! You are worth so much and to turn that crap away with confidence MAKES ME CROW AND SHOUT whooo, hooo!!

I am pleased and sorry all at the same time...

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