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Feeling Sick Inside, DD & OW

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Ashland13 posted 10/19/2013 11:11 AM

No morals, no soul.

XPervert, that is.

There used to be. I simply cannot imagine what kind of people Ow has/is. And dd will spend time with this influence.

She is on her way, as I type, to the house where OW lives with xPerv.

My pain is so huge that I can hardly hold my head up...sorry for the drama.

He tried to have a conversation when they left, have a nice night, I'll have her call you...bla bla if she were going to a friend's house and I simply could not do it.

He actually tells me that people "condone" what he's doing and "people told me it's about time."

I hesitate about wanting to know who they are so I can be sure to cut them out but I also don't want him to think I care...too late now, I guess.

I know that in his head he isn't married, but I said this to him and that he was showing our daughter that living this way he is is ok, but it isn't.

He got beat red in the face and bolted and took her with him.

I did tell him that his doing this fills me with rage and is more than I can bear.

He says to me that he "cares about my well being" and I said, "not if you do this." This simply angered him more.

What kind of people did I marry into?

He was raised by church-going parents, even though he rebelled completely against religion (it has boundaries, don't you know).

For a short while I have my best friend coming over and that I think will save my sanity.

I told myself things all's not about me, I don't care, and so on, but the fact is that I care very much because it's DD. She's so confused, has no idea who to give allegiance to and is too young to understand that you show love to more than one person.

She's still blinded by him and he's her father so I get the KISA thing, but I feel betrayed by her now also and I have to work on that, fast.

I'm so angry also because we had a decent talk this morning about money, but now he's ruined any tidbit of positive thinking I had.

I know in time I won't feel so strongly about it, but am so filled with rage and sadness that I'm a wreck.

How did all of you get past this?

How can people think what he's doing is okay?

How can they say they support me and support that too?

As I said, WTF kind of people did I marry into?

ETA I told him if we were already divorced I would care a lot less, but none of that matters to him.

He is very angry because I don't believe that he cares when he takes DD there before being divorced. Perhaps stupidly, I tried to explain that this goes against all of my core values and he's doing it anyway, so that is a huge signal of not caring.

He says, "yes, I am." but continues to be adamant about "care". What's that saying about "with this kind of friend, you don't need enemies?"

I had another question one night that I think about sometimes, because it's another thing he contests and I want to see what opinions are.

He believes that because he pays the bills, he did not abandon us. I wanted to ask what opinions are on that, because it's my belief that yes, he did abandon us-he snuck out the damn door and never came back! Throwing money at things is just a bandaid and not a good one.

I just don't understand this kind of thinking. Am I the stupid one?

Thank you.

[This message edited by Ashland13 at 11:47 AM, October 19th (Saturday)]

newlysingle posted 10/19/2013 11:45 AM


It is so difficult when they have to go for visitation. I also had to turn my kids over to the Gnat and Hello Kitty before the divorce was final. It's disgusting.

Try and keep yourself busy. I didn't have much planned the first weekend they went with them and it was really hard. The next time, I was busy and the weekend flew by.

Be prepared for them to pull out the big guns and make their home seem as exciting! and fun! as possible. she will probably fall for it initially, but kids are smart and she'll figure it out. She knows you are her mom and your home is her real home.

I posted in here in the beginning about how much dd loved Hello Kitty and talked about her non-stop. Well, things have already changed. Dd just told me the other day that she likes her real home better than dad's and misses me when she's there. She says it gets boring there and they don't have much for her to do. She also told me that Hello Kitty no longer goes along for any of their outings. It appears that the reality if having to care for my kids has finally set in for the dumb whore.

Dd will be fine, but you'll probably have to eat humble pie for awhile until the fun if their place becomes a boring norm. Hang in there, it'll be okay.

Chrysalis123 posted 10/19/2013 13:05 PM

I remember how incredibly painful those first few visitation times were for me. I was a SAHM and homeschoolded. I was a wreck, and I just wept and wept, bitter bone rattling wails.

After that, it got better for me. I viewed it as the silver lining. I had a time to recharge my batteries so I could be the best Mom ever. I came to accept my kids needed a relationship with their dad and I was not going to control it at all. On his shoulders.


sleepless34 posted 10/19/2013 15:13 PM

Sorry Ashland, it is so hard to watch your kids go off with the X. I am with you. Especially when you know what you know. It is painful. He is probably lying that "people think it is time" or maybe one douchy friend said it, but who cares. Most people, I think I heard 90% look down on infidelity and I can't imagine many people condone leaving your wife and kid and moving in with some whore. Seriously??

I get it, it is like sending your kids off to live with strangers for the weekend. You don't want your kids to be influenced by the their f**ked up decisions, choices and poor judgement. What are they learning about relationships and commitment by this situation? That is what really PISSES ME OFF beyond belief.

If these cheaters want out of their family- don't want to be married- then go, get out, don't let the door hit you on the ass on the way out. BUT TO MAKE OUR KIDS have to give up what they had and have their F**KED up values and lifestyle shoved down their throats is really selfish because it will affect how they love, how they marry, how the act in the future.

I know having any father is better than no father at all, and I even am happy for mine that STBX is somehow a better dad now (possibly temporary due to his guilt) and he hasn't abandoned them too, but I still HATE having them there for the weekend. I would prefer a Sunday afternoon and be done with it please.

Mr. Integrity has my kids this weekend. I cried after they left, and my 10yr old could see I was sad as she was leaving and trying not to be sad in front of her so she won't worry about me or feel bad about going, but it is hard to hold it in all the time. I hate hate hate it.

He is still the same "daddy" to them, maybe even better because now he actually does stuff with them and pays attention to them instead of farting on the couch watching football or holed up in his office on the computer- but to me he is the enemy. He is a fake. He is good at being a fake, so I guess he is the same fake he always has been with them...but I know his skanky whore girlfriend has helped him decorate their room, and helped buy them clothes, and though he has agreed not to introduce her to them or talk about her....he is a lier so his agreement means very little and I know he is going to do it someday. And BTW- why do all these XH's have to buy separate clothes for their visits? Are their usual clothes a symbol of them being on team mommy or that I bought them somehow tainted them or is it part of creating a new reality that does not remind him of me in any way?

I have been feeling the same way too...WHO THE HELL DID I MARRY??? He seemed like a great guy and four months ago I would have told you he was a better, kinder, more patient person than I am..despite the aspects about him I was not so crazy about- I thought he was inherently good and loving and now I think he is worse than the sludge at the bottom of a trash can (aka dumpster juice) worse than dog shit, worse than a senior citizen's diaper left in the sun, he is the lowest of the low, the scumiest of the scumbag, the douchiest, most cowardly, disgusting excuse for a man I have ever known. And yes my kids are there now with this sociopath and I am home bitter, angry, sad and wishing he would drop dead of heart attack or some other karmic stress related illness...

SBB posted 10/19/2013 18:47 PM

We get through it because we have to.

Gently, you need to let go of the morals and integrity you have credited him with. Doing this now is him behaving exactly to his 'type'.

You knew he did not share your morals and values the moment you found out he cheated.

Please, stop talking to him. Please stop telling him how much this is enraging and hurting you. He does not care. He does not give a flying fuck. Chances are he is playing 'nice' to get access to your son. To keep you focussed on your broken heart and not on the upcoming D shenanigans.

He is deaf by choice. He is choosing all of this. Whilst you sit here thinking he is not in his right mind if you ask him he will tell you he knows EXACTLY what he is doing and that he's never been more certain about anything in his life. That is what you are dealing with here.

Self-deception is a dragon you simply cannot slay. He is CHOOSING to be this way.

I felt like I was dying when my then almost 5 year old and my 2 year old were meeting OWUmpteen. I was on the floor for weeks. I vomitted several times a day and I was barely sleeping/eating.

I still feel sick at the thought that those whores have anything to do with my precious girls.

A year out and I still hate it but it doesn't burn me as it once did. I hate it when they say her name but it doesn't make me bristle as it once did.

Acceptance and surrender will come. Try not to give him so many ego kibbles until then.

Ashland13 posted 10/19/2013 20:29 PM

Thank you.

Prior to the baby's birth, I was very good at thinking of X as dead. My excuse for the lack of crickets lately is the baby and the added stress of other events that are going on, including the one in this thread. My mind is a mess and I have to get my strength back, but my excuse is basically no help with the baby, so no chance to heal myself.

Anyway...I'm going to work tomorrow, somehow, to gather strength for their drop off and to go back to the belief that he died-for all intents and purposes for me, he did.

I feel like a widower might, besides.

There are many new things being slammed on me and on our daughter and I think too, seeing her pain and confusion is messing with my head also.

I did not call DD back and will repair this with her after she is home. It may be selfish on my part but what happens for me is that it symbolizes a connection to "that place" and I simply cannot tolerate the pain it makes, because of her association with it, not him.

I have no attraction to him anymore, I care about his involving DD in this mess but I will strive to be proactive rather than sit and cry, proactive for how I can someday work with her on these boundary issues.

My personality is much less exciting and smaller than his but more constant and I hope in the long run it will be like my parents and I for her, where I tend to have more faith and trust in my father, who is the consistent one and my mother is the narcissistic glittery person, but my father is who you can guage and trust. I appreciate that a lot now but didn't get it as a kid. I wanted the glitter and flash.

HurtsButImOK posted 10/19/2013 21:17 PM

My personality is much less exciting and smaller than his

Oh Ash,

this just breaks my heart. You are an authentic and genuine person. You have dealt with one of the most cruel and inhumane things a person can do to you, you did this whilst pregnant and raising DD ON YOUR OWN. You also worked. Your personality is that of a warrior, you keep on doing the right things, the responsible things, the adult things.

He is all smoke and mirrors, glittery without substance. There is no depth there. That shallowness gets old very quickly.

Be proud of you and what you have survived. Don't try and judge yourself by his measure, he is not worthy.


SBB posted 10/20/2013 06:25 AM

My personality is much less exciting and smaller than his

Are you talking about his jazz hands? The fake charm? The life of the party who is ZERO fun around his nearest and dearest? The guy who loathes himself so much that he tries to win everyone over? The guy who knows but refuses to accept that external validation is a poor, poor substitute for internal validation?

By 'smaller' you mean authentic - like those big, perfect looking shiny green apples that taste like shit.

Nothing, and I mean nothing tastes better than a GA-free apple. It may not seem as appealing and its size and unique markings may not be as shiny as those big shiny green ones but bugger me if they don't just taste like heaven.

Joni Mitchell said it best: "give me the spots on my apples, but leave me the birds and the bees".

Authentic isn't small unless you're looking for appearance vs sensory pleasure.

Thefly559 posted 10/20/2013 06:57 AM

Although I cannot yet identify with you as far as my kids being around her boyfriend. As far as I know that has not happened yet. Not because she doesn't want it but most likely at the advice of her lawyer. We are in a bitter custody battle. But reading your post I feel your pain and I dread the inevitable. I often wonder how I will react to it. Sadness? Anger? Vomit? , all of the above? It pains me to think of it. I am sorry you are going through this , but you are obviously stronger than you think. We all are. I do similar things , I cut out all who condone her behavior , ALL ! I cut out 30 year friendships ! I cut out family members. Whoever thinks that this is ok. Whoever never once called me to ask how I was when I hit rock bottom. F--k them all. I isolated myself and I became the person I hated. A selfish asshole but hopefully that is temporary because I am such the opposite inside. Some or most people are crazy and I have grown to realize that you cannot control others. Only yourself. So in my opinion if they are not with me then they are against me. To answer you regarding abandonment , yes he did abandon his family! He abandoned you , your vows , your love , your kids, big deal he gives money. That does not make him a good person or father or husband . It just fulfills his obligation! I wish you the best. Stay strong and good luck!

Griefstricken25 posted 10/20/2013 07:44 AM

I remember that sick feeling so well when WXH took our little boys over to the place he shared with OW. Just complete revulsion for how he was portraying that this was okay. And our actual divorce was still over 2 years from being final!!

Absolutely, he abandoned you. Emotionally, spiritually, psychologically, and physically. Putting money on the bills and paying support for his children does not erase any of that.

Abbondad posted 10/21/2013 18:20 PM

I'm sorry for your pain, Ashland. I know my STBXWW I has been trying to ingratiate our children to the POS while we are nowhere near divorced (something she promised not to do), and it makes me ill.

I know it's just something that I will have to swallow; it's out of my control. But it hurts like hell. And I have never even seen this guy, so the eventual reality is going to be a blow.

But our kids know who their mom is (and in my case their dad) and there is nobody they'd rather be with. There may be a "honeymoon phase" witht the AP as well, when she/he is on his/her best behavior, but this can't be sustained, since they are awful people at their core.

Still, it must be awful. I dread the day. (My STBXWW tells my kids not to tell me they've been with him, I'm sure.)

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