Just call me Wonder
It was both. One thing that set me off was the "hamster wheel". That's the thoughts in your brain that just WON'T go away. They run NONSTOP and don't go away until I ask my questions.
Another thing was the asking Of questions because of the hamster wheel. I'd feel great that I asked and he answered, the wheel would stop... And then I would process his answers (new info) and would crash again. Either with rage ( that is a whole lotta no fun, but soooooo necessary) or with paranoia (triggers, hamster wheel, etc). Vicious cycles.
I feel that at some point, i definitely grieved. I accepted that things would never be the same, and then I was so incredibly sad for a few days- weeping over our lost memories- it was exactly like mourning a loved one's death.
So I guess, to get back to your question (sorry!)- the roller coaster was such or me that I never knew if it was caused by something or not. It just happened. I have seen patterns that I am trying to learn from so that I can better prep me and my fWH for them, but ... We just never know.
Hang in there... You will be okay.
[This message edited by Wondertwin at 1:42 PM, October 19th (Saturday)]
I thought I had stopped pretending. I was wrong.
Me- BS 41
Him- WS 38 and STBX
2 DS- 15 and 16
DDay 1- 07-24-2013
DDay 2: EA w/CoW, 06-15-2017