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Taking Time Apart

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Trying2013 posted 10/19/2013 11:40 AM

My bf recently decided that the guilt and embarrassment of his actions was more than he could handle while still being with him. He spoke with me this morning and said that at the moment, he needs to be alone, take time away from us, and work on his issues in order to even consider being able to work through what has happened.

I respect that he feels that way and finally agreed that he should do what he needs to do. I love him very much and while I was the victim, we talked about trying and I was willing to do what we both needed to see if we could get it to work.

Just wondering what has happened with other couples who have decided to take time off to work through the internal issues that may have cause the cheating. Did it help? Did it put things in perspective?

And please do not assume that I am fast to get back together. As I said, I do love him very much and am willing to work to forgive him. But he has hurt me terribly and I can see that some time apart may be needed. I am not going to necessarily sit around and wait for him to come back, but given this JUST happened, I'm not even considering moving on yet. He is the love of my life and at this point, I'm just trying to survive the day and see what time brings.

Pippy posted 10/19/2013 13:29 PM

Sadly, "Taking time apart" can be a red flag when a WS is still cheating and trying to choose which of you to stay with. Don't give him the security that you are sitting around waiting for him. What he is doing is looking after his own interests and not considering the pain he is causing you.

Reconcilliation is done together, working as a couple. he's cake eating IMHO.

Please read the 180, Healing Library BS FAQs #11.

sad12008 posted 10/19/2013 13:41 PM

Hmmmm.

Trying, gently, I'd be very leery about this "need to be alone".

I've read your other posts and from that small window into your world it seems like you are doing everything but cartwheels to try and keep your relationship together. That's just not a recipe for long-term success.

How exactly does he plan to "work on his issues"? Is he in IC?

Are you in IC? You mentioned trust issues in a previous relationship; now there's this (the specifics of which you do not seem to have given; sorry if I missed it). The betrayed partner is NOT responsible in any way, shape, or form for betrayal. That said, there are situations where traits he or she brings to a relationship increase the vulnerability to being in the wrong relationships. Low self-esteem, naivete, excessively trusting...all can wind up causing problems....this is in addition to the issues introduced to an existing relationship by betrayal.

Just remember you are worthy and deserve a fulfilling and healthy relationship that doesn't revolve around accommodating your significant other's needs. If you're having to do so at what's the "easy" stage of a relationship (not living together, no children together, etc.) it's a sign you can do better; a sign that's wise to heed.

Best wishes! (((Trying2013)))

Trying2013 posted 10/19/2013 14:33 PM

Taking time apart" can be a red flag when a WS is still cheating and trying to choose which of you to stay with.

I totally understand that this is the thought, and that went through my mind. He is very similar to my father in the sense the he is a very internal person. I spoke to my dad and he even suggested that maybe he take time to himself and just sort him self out. I do not in any way think that this is an attempt to "choose" which one he wants to be with. I don't fully trust that he may not see her during this, but I do believe that is not his reason. The amount of guilt that he has expressed through all of this is not fake and I do know that.

Sad -

I hear you. As I said above, especially after speaking with my dad, I really understand that some people have to tackle their demons alone. At this point, he is overcome with guilt and embarrassment. Until he is able to step past those initial feelings, there is no growth we can do. Anything I say or he says gets trumped by those feelings. He is taking his time to deal with them, work on moving on to other feelings, and find a place where he can begin to forgive himself and be prepared to build the relationship. I realize this sort of thing is not supposed to happen in the "easy" part of the relationship, but the fact of the matter is, no matter what point in the relationship, it isn't supposed to happen. To a degree, if this is something we can over come during the "easy" parts, I feel like it could help to build an amazing and strong rest of the relationship. But I also realize that taking time apart could end everything too.
I am not sitting and waiting, it's still too early for any decision on what I am going to do. But for right now, I cannot help to be slightly hopeful that this is the situation he needs to really look inside of him self and begin to work on what he needs to work on to be a better version of himself, if not for our relationship, at least for himself.

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