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Newest Member: betrayedinil (61145)

User Topic: Does the pain fade or do you just think about it less?
♀ 40674
Member # 40674
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm in early R but really want it. Fwh is doing everything right. But I'm in agony whenever I think about him with her. Does that searing pain ever fade?

Me BS, 41
Him WS, 45
EA and PA (PA for 11 months)
DDay 13/9/13
3 children - 15,12,3
WS has bipolar, no excuse...

"We're not broken, just bent. We can learn to love again."

Posts: 421 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Ireland
♀ 38805
Member # 38805
Default  Posted: 11:54 AM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, it does, at least it has for me. I think I have gone over details so much, gone over the betrayal and the pain, that the impact of it is less painful as time goes on. I still sometimes have my breath taken by it- but much, much less often now.

Posts: 309 | Registered: Mar 2013
♀ 40769
Member # 40769
Default  Posted: 12:06 PM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes it does. Definitely.
The more we talked, the easier it got. With each talk, each rage, each breakdown, the pain got easier and easier to deal with. And the pain was always a little different- some was rage filled, some was such deep sadness, some was heart wrenching betrayal- it changed constantly.

Now it is a dull ache, an ever present piece of my mind- but now instead of being a giant mess of scattered soul and feelings in my head, it is now more organized, filed in a manner that I can access bits of it as I need to. And I do need to- its just that now I have a little better control over it.
i can just look at the box as a whole, or open it up and just take certain pieces out.
I am so sorry you are feeling this way- it is just awful- but you will be strong and the pain will get better. I promise.
Hugs and strength to you.

Just call me Wonder

If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice.

The axe "forgets"- the tree remembers.

Divorced and super good with tha
2 DS- 15 and 16
DDay 1- 07-24-2013
DDay 2- June something or other 2017

Posts: 1245 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: East Coast
♀ 19197
Member # 19197
Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For me, the pain definitely fades over time. There are just a couple of memories, out of hundreds!, that can really pierce me now, and even those are short-lived. I do still think of it regularly, but it's kind of like background noise in that it is usually below my notice, but then flashes through when I am not busy or occupied. Those flashes don't come with much if any emotion, however.

Marathonwaseasy, the soul-rending agony sometimes feels like you simply can't stand one more second of it, but I promise you that that will fade. Hang in there.

[This message edited by lostworld at 3:19 PM, October 19th (Saturday)]

Me: BS
Him: FWH
Married Over 30 years w/ grown kids
Dday 1: 2007
Dday 2: Mid 2008 (same MOW, 14 month false R)
The affair was the aberration, not the marriage or the man.

Posts: 871 | Registered: Apr 2008
♀ 18429
Member # 18429
Default  Posted: 3:24 PM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It absolutely fades! Almost 6 years on now, and I hardly ever do think of it. When I do, it's just a flash in the pan and then it's gone. And when I talk about it, like with H or counselors or whatnot, I don't even tear up anymore. It has now become a part of our history, and not this horrible thing that I am going through anymore.


DDay - Dec '07
Me - BS
Him - WS
Us - working on R - again
May 18, 2010 - I forgave him fully!
D-day 2 July 4, 2015, turns out he is a SAWH, status, working harder than ever before, trying to fix something we thought we already had. It's

Posts: 4467 | Registered: Feb 2008
♀ 34671
Member # 34671
Default  Posted: 3:29 PM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As everyone else has does get better with time. Each month got better then each year. I'm not to the point that I don't think about it but that intense pain has all but gone away. If a drop of pain comes with a doesn't linger but moves out pretty quickly. Give it time...that along with a remorseful spouse is key.

Me - BS 58
H - WS 60/very remorseful and supportive

discovered 4 month long EA
R - slow and steady but very optimistic

Posts: 632 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: New Jersey
♂ 31240
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 6:35 PM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you feel your feelings and let them go, yes, the pain leaves your body and your mind. The pain becomes a memory.

The most physically painful thing I've experienced is an infected root canal. I can remember that 2 shots of novocaine did nothing to reduce the hurt. I remember a whole lot about the experience, and I remember I was in excruciating pain, but I don't remember the actual pain itself....

[This message edited by sisoon at 6:36 PM, October 19th (Saturday)]

fBH (me) - 66 on d-day, Married 43, together 45 on d-day, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
Most of us know only our own experience. That's not enough data to support a general rule that D, or R, is right in every sitch.

Posts: 16581 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Illinois
♀ 18179
Member # 18179
Default  Posted: 8:32 PM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Both; the latter happened first for me. On really, really rare occasions now (I'm talking maybe once, for a couple hours maximum, every 6-8 months), I can get hit by strong emotions, but when that has happened it's generally been anger, not sadness-type pain.

I remember it felt like I'd NEVER get to a point where it wasn't's gradual. I do remember clearly thinking, "wow, I haven't sobbed today!" when I hit that milestone.

Now I recollect those horrible days with a bit of a detachment. Like I remember the where and when, but my memory is almost like that of an observer.

It's part of the mourning process; think of grieving for someone close to you....

Hang in there; you'll get through this. (((Marathonwaseasy)))

[This message edited by sad12008 at 8:34 PM, October 19th (Saturday)]

You can't fill a cup with no bottom.

Posts: 4195 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: a new start together
Topic Posts: 8

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