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Why am I crazy, how can I still think I love this man?

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bh14801 posted 10/19/2013 12:02 PM

This is my first post that I have ever done, but I am looking for support and understanding. I just found out 1 month ago today that my Husband has been with different women almost from the beginning of our relationship. We were together for 12 years then we married and it took him less then 1 year to have sex with another women. The last ten years have been the worse and it just makes me SICK! I had NO IDEA that this was going on he did very well leading a double life, he was going to commit suicide but I called him and he picked up his phone that was D-day. He just kept saying he was a terrible person and was crying I didn't even know what the H to do. He was driving and was like 2 1/2 hours away from me, where we were going to spend the week end. After many many calls and hang ups he wanted me to come to see him so he could tell me everything. I was ready to throw up or have a hard attack, at that point I had no idea what was wrong, I just didn't want him to hurt him self. He told me his whole story came clean didn't hold anything back and told me EVERY detail that of course at the time I wanted to know. Everyday I want to know more details, even if it hurts I want to know. Is this wrong? I can't help myself. I think it will help me understand better but sometimes it just hurts more. I feel resentment and hurt, it seems like he unloaded on me and now I feel I have to deal with all this and get my head together. I feel guilty that I still want him sexually, but I am just going with my heart right now right or wrong and I try not and question that too much. He tells me he loves me it will never happen again, and none of them meant anything to him. Just "playing around" and then he would have sex with some of them. He seems to think the "playing around" doesn't seem as bad and not a big deal, but it is a big deal it makes me sick! He knows that is a big deal to me too and he said this will never happen again. We are in therapy and he is willing to go to counseling also by himself, but he really didn't have affairs, really more like a sex addition and there isn't a lot of help for that with our current resources. I want to move forward and try to make it, but am I being a fool for staying? I am really a strong person, but this makes me feel weak that I can't stand on my own two feet and move on with my own life. We have had a nice life together and I don't want to give up our family and 25 years of the good stuff....we had plenty of hard times but we have worked through all of that, but I must say this is the HARDEST thing I have ever gone through, and it seems as reading the other posts that I am in for a long period of healing if that can really happen. Any comments to help me would be appreciated!

Chrysalis123 posted 10/19/2013 12:26 PM

Welcome bh14801, to the best place you never hoped to find.

Weekends can be slow around here, but many wise folks will be showing up soon.

First, I am so sorry for your pain. No one deserves to have been abused like you have been. Lying, cheating, sneaking, spending your money, and exposing you unknowingly to deadly diseases is abuse.

Please get yourself checked for STD's as soon as possible. Require him to have a work up too.

There are some great posts for people like you in the just found out section of this website. As well as the healing Library. Please check out the Tactical Primer and Posts for Newbies over on Just Found out.

but he really didn't have affairs

Gently, yes he did. It is easy when we are in the shock of just finding out, to minimize what was done to us. What your husband did to you was absolutely horrible, self serving and then to top it off he tried to bully you by threatening suicide.......

So, let's start with you. Please take extra gentle care of you. You need to eat, drink, sleep, and try to get yourself to find joy or laughter every day. Lots of us see counselors by help with the initial trauma and to get strong. Some of us have gone to the doc to get on Antidepressants (AD's) . All of us that stick around post here like crazy...great help and therapy as well.

If your husband threatens to self harm again, call 911 immediately. Don't tell him you will do this, just have your mind made up to do so. He needs professional help and intervention at that point. And, you did not cause him to threaten that, nor will you be the cause of the any harm to him. So, you call 911, just like you would do if you saw anyone in life threatening danger.

Please keep posting. You are safe here.

headdesk posted 10/19/2013 12:33 PM

I'm going to comment on two things:

1. Some of us are detail oriented, some aren't. I am, as I can imagine stuff that is often way worse than the actual reality. I agree that they hurt, but they're also cleansing for me in ways.

2. You aren't crazy for staying, provided he is meeting your needs and if you, though understandably devastated and hurt, are not staying when you really want to go. If you really want to go, then go. Otherwise, if he is stepping up to the plate, you can work on it and see where it goes.

Merlin posted 10/19/2013 12:37 PM

'better the devil you know than the devil you don't'....

Affects most of us Betrayed's, especially when relationships have been long.

When it all collapses into a single frame and you see what the person you love is doing, it's very hard to actually see it because it fits with nothing like the reality you believed you were living in.

bh14801 posted 10/19/2013 12:39 PM

Thank you for the caring remarks it does mean so much right now. I was checked for STD and he has been checked also. We are safe there which seems like a miracle in it self. I am protecting my heart right now and not sure I even know what love is anymore. I will take your advice and think of myself more....will a day every go by without me thinking about this?

realitybites posted 10/19/2013 12:44 PM

I just found out 1 month ago today that my Husband has been with different women almost from the beginning of our relationship. We were together for 12 years then we married and it took him less then 1 year to have sex with another women.

So your WHOLE relationship.

I had NO IDEA that this was going on he did very well leading a double life, he was going to commit suicide

Sad. Leaving you to clean up HIS mess.

Does he really love you? Or are you the easy safe plan B. The person at home who will be his mother and take care of things. But he goes outside of the relationship for sex?

Just know this is not you. This is him. These are his issues and his problems that he has now slapped down in front of with a big ole shit sandwich. You want to keep being his babysitter?

What is on you is now you know that your whole relationship was a lie. This won't ever be the same or any where never what you thought the marriage was. It won't go back to magical thinking.

What do you want?

Seek IC for help only for you. Very critical to have someone only on your side to help you see clearly.

bh14801 posted 10/19/2013 12:44 PM

headdesk thank you sometimes I do feel crazy! But I do want him to stay and I want to try and work this out. I know it will not be the same that is OK just don't want the burden to feel like it fell all on me. He is being open and honest and wants help and is getting that help. He is talking more and understands with I have one of those triggers and tries and helps me through that even it I just need to be left alone. My heart says to stay right now so I am going to follow my heart

bh14801 posted 10/19/2013 12:52 PM

You make some very good points! I think he really does love me, but does he really know what love means? I hope he can figure that out! I am not going to be a babysitter, I cannot live like that if I can't be what I need him to be for me, I need to move on.....

[This message edited by bh14801 at 12:54 PM, October 19th (Saturday)]

selkiescot posted 10/19/2013 12:54 PM

Welcome BH14801,
A this point your best options are to not make any rash decisions. You are still too close to DDAy for that. Get tested for STD's asap and he should too. Even if he used a condom everytime there are still STD's out there are dangerous.
You have a right to ask for anything you need to heal. I am detail addict. I want to know EVRYTHING. if that helps you then demand it.
Yes of course he had affairs. Even one night stands are affairs. Playing around? Makes it sound so simple. Playng means having fun and no one gets hurt? Right...?
My gut tells me that there is ALOT more. He says he won't do it again. That's too simple. The best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour. Be very careful about him manipulating you. The suicide threat might have been real but I have read the book on WH's many times and it's a classic. Anything to deflect owning his shit.
YES HE really did have affairs. Say that to yourself as many times as you need to. He went outside of your relationship for sex. Each time he cheated it was an affair.
My feeling is as soon as you begin to digest all of the info you are going to get very very angry.
If you are having sex with him please use protection. he has been exposed to alot in 10 years. That includes oral as well.
Please know that all of us have been there done that many times. Rad read read as much as you can. Eat anything tht allows you to keep it down. Crackers and broth worked for me. Tea and toast or just applesauce. Dri k plenty of water or fruit juice too. Staying hydrated is good when you are stressed. Please keep posting. This is the place to vent, share your feeling and bounce ideas of of us.. Sometimes when the anger stage hit me this was the ONLY place I could vent. My other option was shrieking like a banshee in the cellar and sometimes I did.
Edited because my brains is SOMETIMES faster than my fingers.

[This message edited by selkiescot at 1:31 PM, October 19th (Saturday)]

realitybites posted 10/19/2013 14:04 PM

With all due respect but I was not making any points, I was pointing out by highlighting exactly the points the YOU made.

You said these things, its all about where you are at in acknowledging what these points mean.

Its a very long journey for a new BS. Keep writing and keep listening.

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