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1 month from D-Day seems like forever...

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bh14801 posted 10/19/2013 13:30 PM

I am new to this like so many of you that I have read about already, so sorry for you all and so sorry for me too! I have been with my husband for 25 years and found out that he has been leading a double life. He has been having sex and "playing around" with women for our whole relationship. We have been married for the last 10 years of our life together and he had sex with a women within the first year of our marriage. We knew when we got together that this was a risk as we both were in relationships prior to getting together, we "promised" to be true to each other always and if one of us stepped out on the other we would be man or women enough to come forward. Well 25 years later, with no clue, I find out he has been cheating on me our whole life. He said he is done and will never do it again, I didn't catch him he told me everything, and of course I needed every detail. I am still asking for details....this is just crazy, he said he had no feelings for any of the women, but as a women that is so hard to digest! I have never in all the years that I have been with him been unfaithful, I have kept my promise! This is just so unfair and now this feels like it is my burden. Things will never be the same and I am not sure I can love him again. We have had many good years together I feel like I had the good person, and I don't even know that other person that was cheating on me with god knows how many women! I have tried to read some books on sex addiction but they make me sick, he is going to have to deal with that part of his life. Trying and taking one day at a time. I am 12 years younger then my husband I always thought that he felt so lucky to have me! I feel so stupid! I was blindsided!
BS - 51
H - 63
D day - 9-20-13
Together for 25 years
Married 10 years
3 boys (2 mine, 1 his)

devasted30 posted 10/19/2013 13:41 PM

Hi - I know how you feel....I've been there. Hang in - it will get better. I know it just doesn't seem possible now. Drink, eat and look after yourself...that is the hardest part. Everything else doesn't matter now. The pain you are in is unbearable. It will pass. I didn't believe it either when everyone here kept saying it, but they were right. Someone will come along soon and help you way more than I can but just know that we all care and are here if needed. I have gone through a similar situation like yours - just not quite as long and my marriage was not a real one in so many, many ways....but, we are doing better and you will too. Whether you decide to R or not, look after yourself and know that as hard as it is to believe at this time, things will get better. You are starting on a very long and arduous road, but you will make it. You are now part of a club that absolutely no one wants to join but you are with people who understand your pain.
Take care.

SerJR posted 10/19/2013 14:16 PM

Welcome here,

I'm sorry for what has happened, but am glad you are seeking help. I'm not sure if you have read through the Healing Library yet, but suggest it as it contains some great information that will help you make sense of this.

The first thing to think about is how you can take care of yourself. Try to find an emotional support network in real life, consult a counselor or doctor as necessary, and think about things you can do, just for you to get involved back in your life.

Your WH has demonstrated cheating behaviour over his whole life. He can't even hide the fact that he didn't know how selfish it was and the devastation it would cause given your story. He has told you he will stop - I would ask him what is different this time and how he will demonstrate he is committed to the marriage. At the same time, you will have to decide what you are and what you are not willing to put up with, and at what point you will remove yourself from further hurt.

womaninflux posted 10/19/2013 14:21 PM

First, I want to express how sorry I am you are going through this.

I'm 7 months out from DD, 4 months out from SA diagnosis for my SAWH. It will get a bit easier for you as time passes...try not to judge it by the kind of day you are having. Think about it in terms of "is this better than where we were 1 month ago?" Because day to day, there are ups and downs and you really have to look at a month to see if there is progress or not.

One thing about SA - you say he is going to have to deal with that alone. It would be a mistake to think this is the case. Recovery is more likely if the partner is involved to the extent that they are able and is healthy for them and support the SA's recovery effort even if they choose to leave the relationship. This will be very key to your own healing process. When you are ready, start reading about recovery process and therapy for SA. Knowledge will really help you understand and heal. Please understand that I am by no means telling you that his behavior is ok or he gets a pass. You have to decide what your bottom line is and be willing to enforce your consequences.

LA44 posted 10/19/2013 14:24 PM

((bh14801)), I am so sorry that you find yourself here.

The first thing I want to say is do not feel stupid. You were betrayed. Deceived. The person you trusted most, lied to you.

As someone else suggested read the articles in the Healing Library and empower yourself with knowledge.

Take care of yourself by eating, drinking water and getting a little exercise - even a walk will help. Sleep when you can. I too recall one month in as being extraordinarily long. I felt tormented by time but time does help with healing.

You will ask lots of questions and will continue to ask for them in the months ahead.

I would suggest finding a counselor - IC for sure for your H and for you. You really need professional support right now. A good friends goes a long way too.

Finally, as tempting as it is, do not make any big decisions right now during this very emotional time.

I wish you well in the weeks and months ahead. It is a long road but there are many good stories out there whether you stay together or not.

[This message edited by LA44 at 2:25 PM, October 19th (Saturday)]

Dawn58 posted 10/20/2013 00:48 AM


I am so sorry that you are here bh14801. I was blindsided when I found the text messages my husband was sending his mistress. His affair had been going on for 4 months when I found out. I now suspect that there were others.

Take care of yourself right now. I was so devastated and the pain was overwhelming at times. It was all I could do to just take a breath. So, breathe. Read the healing libraries. Post here often. Get into therapy or find a support group. Also, I hate to mention this, but get tested for STD's.

I made the choice to file for divorce. Some days have been better than others. I am almost 11 months out and I can say that a month ago, I found my laugh again. I didn't think I would ever laugh again. At first, I hated being alone in this house. But now, I am coming to appreciate it. It is nice to be able to do what I want, when I want to.

For me, it seems like it has been a slow process. Two steps forward, one step back. I still have my triggers, but nearly as often as I use to. I have not reached the point of feeling indifferent, but the raw pain and rage have passed.

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