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Struggling today, need encouraging words

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Lonelygirl10 posted 10/19/2013 14:45 PM

I've made it halfway through the 30 days of NC, and I'm struggling today. I'm wanting to contact him really badly right now, for two reasons. The first reason is that I miss him alot. I'm going out of town to visit a college friend, and we are going to the state fair tonight. It was something I had wanted to do with him, so I think I'm almost feeling more depressed going with her than if I was just staying home alone.

The second reason is that I'm really starting to worry about how he is doing. It's the halfway mark, and I'm worried that he is starting to feel rejected. I know he tends to do stupid stuff when he feels rejected. So there's a big part of me that wants to contact him to try to prevent that. But I keep telling myself that I can't control him. I'm really starting to see the codependency issues in my thinking. It's hard though. Even knowing this stuff rationally, I'm dealing with this tight feeling in my chest and alot of anxiety/fear.

Just having a hard day.

[This message edited by Lonelygirl10 at 2:46 PM, October 19th (Saturday)]

Almost12Years posted 10/19/2013 14:57 PM

I understand - I've got some codependency issues I became aware of after DDay. I think you're doing the right thing by doing NC, but totally understand how hard it is. One thing that helped me in those moments was to journal a LOT - including writing letters to my now FWH. I never ended up giving them to him, but it was very therapeutic to get whatever I wanted to say out, even if it was written. Maybe try that and see if it helps?

Lonelygirl10 posted 10/19/2013 15:20 PM

Yeah, I've been keeping a journal and writing him probably 2-3 letters each day. It helps a little, but not much.

When he's felt alone and unwanted in the past, he's slept with other women. I suspect he's feeling that way now. Writing him letters that he's not reading helps with my anger, but doesn't fix my fear. I keep telling myself though that contacting him would only be a temporary fix. It might prevent him from having sex with someone tonight, but it wouldn't fix things in the long term. He has to figure out how to deal with those feelings without seeking affection from other women, that's the only way I will be able to feel safe in the future. But, there's still this part of me that just wants to control what happens now, and I could do that by contacting him. I think NC is forcing me to relinquish control, and it's scary.

doesitgetbetter posted 10/19/2013 15:29 PM

Why do you keep posting things like this knowing that he reads SI to watch what you are doing? Why didn't we get through to you last time that contacting him passively via SI is still contact? If you want to maintain NC, then don't publicly post about all these letters you write to him daily and how much you miss him and blah blah blah. Post about how you are feeling, post about yourself, but stop giving him information on here. You're not half way through NC, you are back at day 1 again, for the second time.

But then again, what do we know.

Josephine01 posted 10/19/2013 15:29 PM

Look at it this way. . . if he feels rejected and doesn't do anything out of line then he passed a hurdle and it shows he committed. If 15 days without you makes him want or causes him to find something wrong to do, then sooner or later you would be separating anyway.

You are doing the right thing. I know this is hard for you. Hang in there. Be strong. I am very proud of you (((Lonelygirl10)))

Lonelygirl10 posted 10/19/2013 15:43 PM

I'm sorry, I thought I was posting about my feelings. I can't talk about him with my real friends at all, so this is where I post when I'm feeling alone.

Trying2013 posted 10/19/2013 15:57 PM

Lonely -

I understand how you feel. We are not in NC, but we have taken time apart and it kills me to not see him. It's hard to not know how someone you care about is doing, and there is nothing wrong with that. But as some of the others said, if he can take this time to find another way to deal with his emotions, then when the 30 days is up, there is a chance for the relationship to move forward. If, after cheating and NC, he still chooses to deal with the same methods, then he is not ready to change and move forward. I know that is a scary thought but it is true.

I want so badly to see him (I refuse to call him my ex bc I have hope that, with time apart, he will be ready to work for us), but we are still talking. I called him this morning and we had a long talk and it was just then that we decided to take time away from each other. We have texted a little this afternoon. Certain things have not changed, we are still using our nicknames. I find some comfort in that. But how am I to know that he will not do something with someone else during this away time? I don't. What I can hope will happen is that after he has really had time alone/with his close friends to look at what his actions have caused, my being gone, that he will make the decision to fix his shit. This may not happen. Just as with you, if it doesn't, it probably never will.
If a cheating situation cannot shock someone into realizing they need to fix themselves and are at risk of losing someone they love because of it, then a few weeks away won't do it.

I really feel like we are feeling the same right now. I am here whenever you need me. (Trying to get my 50 posts so I can PM as well. If you would like to talk more, I can try to contact you when I make it)

Jrazz posted 10/19/2013 16:02 PM

You're going to be ok. It's really really hard in the beginning, but it won't always feel like this.


ladies_first posted 10/21/2013 10:59 AM

I can't talk about him with my real friends at all,

Gently, what happened to Authenticity in your life?

sisoon posted 10/21/2013 13:26 PM

Gently, didn't you have email contact a week or so ago? For your own good, you need to reset the clock. NC will get easier over time.

So far, your experience has given you some good insights. That's a big win.

In this thread, you've expressed a lot of thoughts, not feelings, and the thoughts are where the problems are. Keep thinking about 4 feelings - glad, mad, sad, scared. (Maybe love is a 5th feeling.) Anything else - missing someone, worrying, for examples - is a thought.

IIRC, the NC is for you to find yourself. It's not a test for your bf. It's not a test for you.

Reset the start date of NC at least to the last email exchange. Reset your thinking. Focus on your feelings.

You got through college, law school, and the bar exam. Sure, this is harder, but you can do it.

Lonelygirl10 posted 10/21/2013 19:07 PM

Gently, what happened to Authenticity in your life?

I'm not lying to my friends about still being with him, but my friends have reached the point to where they don't want to talk about it with me. They know what I'm doing, and they disagree with me. They know that their advice isn't being listened to, so they just prefer to not discuss it. It makes sense to me, and I don't blame them. But it does cause me to feel very alone.

In this thread, you've expressed a lot of thoughts, not feelings, and the thoughts are where the problems are. Keep thinking about 4 feelings - glad, mad, sad, scared. (Maybe love is a 5th feeling.) Anything else - missing someone, worrying, for examples - is a thought.

I'm feeling sad and scared. I feel little bursts of anger sometimes, but it quickly passes. I can't hold on to the anger for some reason.

I feel sad when I think about everything that has happened. I feel scared when I think of the future.

I feel frustrated at myself sometimes. I'm trying hard to find my own voice again, but the feeling scared takes over a lot.

I like being in control of my life. I plan things months in advance. I'm very much a Type A personality. And right now I feel like I have zero control over what happens. He will either be there at the end of the month, or he won't. I can't control that, and it makes me feel scared.

I did talk to my best friend a little this weekend when I saw her, and she said that she's noticed that I blame myself when my relationships start having problems. She said that with my prior ex, I started questioning my own values when I found out that his values were different, and that I worried too much that I was the person that needed to change. Right now I'm worrying that I'm being unreasonable by insisting on this month apart. I know logically that I'm not, and I keep telling myself that. He cheated and lied, and me asking for time to think is reasonable. But I can feel myself falling into that old pattern of thinking where I'm questioning whether I'm being unreasonable by insisting on this, and whether I'm hurting him. I know those are thoughts instead of feelings. It's just the stuff that I'm struggling with right now.

[This message edited by Lonelygirl10 at 7:11 PM, October 21st (Monday)]

blakesteele posted 10/21/2013 19:45 PM and own every word that Sisoon posted to this thread.

Especially pay attention to the re-start you must do when you break contact. I think it would be good for you to consider posting here about how much you miss him as breaking NC and re-start from there.

Not saying stop posting....keep posting!...just don't post about how much you miss him or how much you are struggling without him. Trust me, there are many men who would appreciate your strengths and beauty....I am confident that when you complete 30 days of NC, you will own that thought for yourself and will be in a much healthier spot.

Sisoon gave me similar advice....I have used this method several times when I am trying to change a bad habit. The extra pressure you will feel...the idea that if you repeat a bad habit (in this case breaking NC) you have effectively wasted all the pain you had as you held out from doing that bad habit before....will be a strong motivator to staying the course.

You are stronger then you think....give yourself a chance, lean into the discomfort as long as you can...then lean into it a bit more.

It works!

God be with you.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 7:49 PM, October 21st (Monday)]

blakesteele posted 10/21/2013 19:56 PM

The second reason is that I'm really starting to worry about how he is doing. It's the halfway mark, and I'm worried that he is starting to feel rejected. I know he tends to do stupid stuff when he feels rejected. So there's a big part of me that wants to contact him to try to prevent that. But I keep telling myself that I can't control him.

First, he is a big boy...he can take care of himself. He made a stupid decision when he chose adultery, apparently he has made others too. I hope he can find healthy ways to deal with is going to happen again.

Second...not sure this is controlling him...more like mothering him. I see your strength in your posts. I suspect you have taken care of him way more then he has taken care of you....perhaps more of a parent-child marriage then a parent-parent one?

It took me about 6 months post-DD to find that I have codependency-like issues. Talked about it in IC, have a couple of books to read soon on this. You are progressing well in many areas....keep it up!

Perhaps you can find a regular distraction to focus on...Wednesday night coffee with a friend, Saturday trip to the Zoo....something that helps you develop a new pattern of living?

Peace be with you.

ladies_first posted 10/21/2013 20:49 PM

How have *you* changed during NC?

Remember these questions?

IC asked if I think I deserve to be happy.

Do you deserve to be happy and deserve a healthy relationship?

There's a part of me that wants to take a month alone just to clear my head and find myself again. My IC asked me yesterday, at our normal session, to make a list of the things I like about myself. I burst into tears because I couldn't think of a single thing. For the past 9 months, I have been clingy, needy, pessimistic, unfocused, and just not a fun person. I used to be optimistic, and always saw the positive in people. I used to be a fun person. I used to be focused and motivated at work. I told my IC that I felt like that girl died. I want her back. I want that version of myself back. I feel selfish saying this, but I don't know how to heal myself and find peace when I'm always worrying about WS's emotions.

Have you made the list of things you like about yourself, LG10?

Even now, I don't think he knows the real me. I made a comment the other day that I couldn't think of anything in IC that I like about myself right now.

Lonelygirl10 posted 10/21/2013 21:09 PM

No, I haven't made that list yet. I've thought about it, but I've been feeling too depressed.

I've avoided drinking at all since the night of my birthday when I asked for NC. I had a couple of glasses of wine tonight alone though, and I'm feeling really depressed. Every single guy that I've dated has cheated on me. I don't understand why I'm never enough. All I want is to be enough. I thought I had finally found a guy where I was enough, and then he slept with two other girls. I feel broken. Most of the time I stuff the feelings down so that I can function in my life, but right not it just hurts so much. I feel so sad.

blakesteele posted 10/22/2013 05:30 AM

I don't understand why I'm never enough. All I want is to be enough

(((lonelygirl10))) are growing, you have the courage you will realize that you ARE enough that you have been enough all along.

The decision to commit adultery has nothing to do with you. Think about your relationships....think about how you felt in them. I am confident you will, like I did, find that you were not fully satisfied, that you had needs that went unmet, things that you did not request of your mate for a variety of reasons (FOO issues that keep us from being authentic, expressing our needs honestly, giving our mates a chance to meet those needs and NOT hurt us when we vulnerably put them out there).....and yet you did not cheat.

I am sorry to hear you struggle so hard. I pray your spouse will fully own that his decisions came from within him and he actively seeks to grow in the areas he needs to.

Growth is painful...but it is good.

I have found that when I am experiencing a tremendous amount of pain....a fair amount of growth is the result.

I still don't think it is a fair relationship....the pain seems tremendous at times with an average amount of growth being the result. But even a little growth can nudge us down the path to a healthier way of living....almost like a little nudge at the top of a slight hill can actually move us further then the power used during that initial nudge....KWIM?

Hang in there are are enough.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 5:32 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday)]

Lonelygirl10 posted 10/22/2013 07:24 AM

Thanks Blake. I'm back to feeling decent again this morning. Yesterday was just a rough day for me. I have IC today too, so hopefully that will help.

summerain posted 10/22/2013 18:37 PM

so... have you reset the clock?

I feel really confused about why you post here. It's like you come on and post diatribe and when anyone actually gives you advice you don't take it.

I don't think you want anything to change really. Because this NC is pathetic, and you aren't doing any work on yourself.

I mean seriously? What's the point in all of this.

eta; this NC probably in my view has done more harm then good. You've just portrayed yourself as a weak pathetic individual that can't keep her word. Congratulations.

Woman the fuck up for fucks sake. I have a million things to do but instead because I actually care about you I have been looking for your posts in the past few days and updates. Where is your ticker hey? Where's your bitch boots? Stop being so DEFEATIST

Waste of my time. I understand how your friends feel

[This message edited by lauren123 at 6:40 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday)]

Lonelygirl10 posted 10/22/2013 21:01 PM

I'm not sure how to respond...

I know I have a lot of issues to work through, but don't we all on here? I don't think I've read a single post from someone who has it all figured out. We're all struggling. That's why people post here. I'm definitely not perfect, and I've made a lot of mistakes.

I am working on myself though. I'm in counseling, and I'm reading books. I'm working my way through a book on setting boundaries, and working through another book on co-dependency. In IC today, my counselor gave me another book on seeing your inner child. She wants me to start working through my FOO issues, so I will be starting that book too.

I listen to the advice on here. The advice on here is what caused me to wake up and see the patterns in my relationships. The advice on here is what caused me to see that I do struggle with codependency and boundary issues. I have listened to all the advice on here, but I've also made my own decisions about what I'm ready to do in my own time frame. I agree with a lot of the advice on here rationally. But advice is always easier to give than it is to take, and I still struggle a lot with the issues in my life.

Change is hard. I feel like I'm fighting every day to change myself. It feels like an uphill battle, and I'm trying.

I have never ended a relationship in my entire life. I have never asked for NC in my entire life. Me asking for 30 days of NC is a big deal for me and shows a great deal of change, even if I haven't been perfect with it. It's the first time I've ever stood up for myself and demanded that a guy treat me better. And I've only replied to him ONCE during the whole time. Yes, I'm reacting to the things that he says and struggling with my own set of issues on SI, but I don't see how I've been weak or pathetic. To me, being weak and pathetic would be me asking him to come over, which I've considered doing several times. But I haven't because I'm NOT weak and pathetic.

I'm sorry that you feel like I'm a waste of your time.

[This message edited by Lonelygirl10 at 9:35 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday)]

summerain posted 10/22/2013 22:47 PM

You have to put the education in action. No-one has it all figured out, exactly. But I think, as many other posters has stated it is not a good idea to post this all on SI.

You should PM someone that you think will treat you with compassion but will also guide you.

You need to implement these strategies.

You're still communicating to him whilst in 'no contact' by posting all of this stuff

so how is that 'no contact'! There has been many times I have not taken posters advice. But I then say what i've done instead and what my plans are. Then I implement those plans generally tailored to the advice.

If you need to tell people how you feel, put it in your journal. PM someone. DO other things than post it on a website which he frequents.

You are making it WORSE for yourself by saying you will do one thing

then do the complete other.

I don't understand why you don't get this, you are undermining yourself.

Jeesh if you had sent me a PM a few days ago I would of responded very differently then to how I would of now. Because it shows that you are actually implementing very reasonable and sound advice.

The reset button of NC does NOTHING if you don't start thinking about what you want to do when NC is finished. If you are that's great, I don't see harm in posting that up and getting a range of opinions. But all of us can only go on what you post.

You are not showing that when you say something you mean it.

I honestly don't really care that youve never broken up with someone before. That's neither here or there. Whilst I would think it's better not to be in a relationship with a stalker, that's neither here or there. What matters is what you can do in your role of this relationship. Not his role. What can you do to ensure you're safe, what can you do to ensure that if hey he does cheat on you again that you know if you will accept it or not.

etc etc

what boundaries are you going to implement? Do you believe in giving him consequences (that's totally up to you, I give mine consequences, others disagree with that philosophy). DO you want to meet with his IC?


I know you're sad but you're being completely defeatist. I'm being as harsh on you as other posters were on me, no more and no less.

It is a waste of your time btw reading these books etc if you've not got a strategy in implementing them.

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