"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

1Emptyglass posted 10/19/2013 17:10 PM

My FWH and I had an agreement that he would no longer be viewing internet porn. He developed a habit of viewing porn online a couple of years prior to the affair and when I told him I was bothered by it he volunteered to give it up. He left the house yesterday and forgot his phone. Just as a check up I looked at the internet history on his phone and found where he had been viewing multiple pages of "hot girls in yoga pants". Now, I know technically this is not porn, but it was just pages of "hot" girls bent over in tight yoga pants.....any thoughts people? I have not confronted yet because I want to see if it leads to other searches and don't want to tip my hand just yet.
What do you think and what would you do?

allusions posted 10/19/2013 19:06 PM

It sounds inappropriate to me. Technically, he did not violate your no porn agreement, but the whole purpose of looking at "hot girls in yoga pants" was to get himself aroused by looking at women who are not you. So unless he is shopping for yoga pants for you as a surprise, I'd say he is playing with and tripping over some boundary lines.

1Emptyglass posted 10/19/2013 19:14 PM

That is what I thought too. Just don't know if I should confront, or wait for more activity....

WhatsRight posted 10/19/2013 20:55 PM

Just a thought...

If you wait, you will find out exactly what the 'yoga pants' viewing might lead to.

But if you mention it now, maybe you can head off the 'easing into something worse'.

Just one opinion.

1Emptyglass posted 10/19/2013 21:09 PM

Thank you for the replies. I think the question I need to ask myself is do I want to spend the rest of my life checking up and "heading things off". We have been in recovery for 2 years now. Just passed the second Anti-versary 2 weeks ago.

DrivingPast posted 10/19/2013 21:57 PM

That must be disappointing. :( To me it would be getting fairly close to crossing the line. Did you discuss at that time how you felt about other provocative pics w/o nudity?

I think what would bother me most is: 1. Why is it so compulsive to look at such 'stimulating images' and 2. the fact that he particularly searched that, I think, indicates that he has been noticing or lusting women like that in real life and wanted more.

If it were me, I would do the wait and see approach. How much history can you see? Is there a better way to spy on the phone?

And then if there were nothing worse after some time (maybe a couple weeks), then I might bring it up for a healthy discussion.

However,

do I want to spend the rest of my life checking up and "heading things off".

Exactly. I worry that staying with a cheater guarantees this.

Rebreather posted 10/19/2013 22:15 PM

It's a clear sign he is complying with the rules, not embracing them as positive life changes. He's obviously looking for a loophole. Personally, I'd have a fucking fit. He knows what the right thing to do is. My only thought is to poke around and see of there is more before you confront. I'm sorry you are in this sitch.

Garnet posted 10/19/2013 22:46 PM

Definite loophole for sure!!! Throw on some yoga pants, pop in a video and be downward dog when he comes in. The look on his face will tell all!! Hope no one finds that offensive, just crossed my mind!!

LeopoldB posted 10/20/2013 10:31 AM

In the interest of research, I checked out the top "hot girls in yoga pants" web sites. Very weak stuff. IMO, if that is the worst that H is doing, you might want to cut him some slack. I understand the prior posts, the appearance of disrespect, the juvenile prurient interest. However, so far as you know, he is keeping his promise. Where would it end? No Olympic beach volleyball? No Miley Cyrus MTV Video Music Awards? No R-rated movies? No staring while standing in line at the local Starbucks?

I think it comes down to whether you want to insist on being right, or find a way that makes things work.

HardenMyHeart posted 10/20/2013 10:45 AM

I like Garnet's idea, but you should wear these:

1Emptyglass posted 10/20/2013 12:27 PM

I think it comes down to whether you want to insist on being right, or find a way that makes things work

I take offense to this statement. This isn't about me trying to be "right". This is about boundaries. I once told him it bothered me that he was surfing naked pics of girls and watching porn. I even offered to watch with him if it was something he wanted to do. Nope, he didn't want to do that. He is a self proclaimed "ass-man" so yes, pictures of girls in skin tight see through pants all bent over bothers me. This isn't watching a volleyball game or taking notice of someone in line at the coffee shop. This was searching for sexually stimulating pics of girls online.
God, I don't want to be right or restrictive...I also don't want to have to worry that he is fucking someone else and lying to me again.

I wonder based on your reply...were you the BS or the WS? Not trying to be a bitch, just wondering what side of the fence your opinion comes from?

HardenMyHeart posted 10/20/2013 12:46 PM

I also don't want to have to worry that he is fucking someone else and lying to me again.

Controlling what your WH watches on the internet will have no bearing on whether your WH decides to cheat again. One of the things that helped me during R was realizing that I had no control over my FWW's actions. Trying to control someone's action is only an illusion and provides a false sense of security at best. The frustration will eat you up and only lead to more anger.

I know you offered to watch with him, and that is a good first start. However, with everything currently going on (he knows what you think and the angst it causes) he is unlikely, at this point, to let you know what is really going on his head. These are the walls you need to break through to establish true emotional intimacy in the marriage (i.e. You need to understand why he does the things he does without being angry or judgmental). I am confident you are a good wife and truly care about your marriage, but sometimes we must be willing to change to makes things work. One of these changes is to accept our spouses weaknesses and learn to build on the strengths.

So sorry you are struggling with this.

Kierst13 posted 10/20/2013 12:57 PM

Him looking at women in yoga pants may not have broken the letter of the law, but it definitely broke the spirit of it and that is what really matters.

Lionne posted 10/20/2013 13:39 PM

The issue in our marriage is SA. My SAFWH's last "slip" was not with porn per se, but with pictures of female athletes he found attractive/stimulating. Since that's a slippery slope for him, it was a BIG deal. If images interfere with his ability to be intimate with you in a genuine way, I think it's a problem...

[This message edited by scaredyKat at 1:40 PM, October 20th (Sunday)]

refuz2bavictim posted 10/20/2013 14:09 PM

This isn't about me trying to be "right". This is about boundaries.

Exactly.

This is one of those "But, I didn't inhale" kind of moments.

He is pushing the boundary, because he's created a comfy little gray area, that you are not privy to...until now. If viewing hot girls in YOGA pants was something he thought you would embrace....you'd know about it by now. If it's a secret...it's a problem.