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spidey senses..... next steps?

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myalterego posted 10/19/2013 18:02 PM

About 2 years ago, I caught jackass having an EA. He was remorseful at the time and ... I thought 'got it'. Part of the problem was his drinking - and he quit cold turkey for about a year. At the time, I asked him about a fb post from a woman on a business trip - it just seemed fishy. Since that was a side issue, I didn't press it since the EA was with a hs girlfriend (different woman). One of my other issues was with his lack of boundaries - he tells friends "luv ya" and "miss ya" in emails - girls, not his guy-friends.

Since then, I do not and cannot monitor fb or emails. Recently, I've been able to check his phone and read texts (what is there). About a month ago, he was at our college town for an interview, sitting at happy hour and texted a (different) friend from HS "I miss college". He also texted an ex-college gf at the same time. Both threads were short (since it was still work hours for the rest of the world) and innocuous from there. (however, they both have been deleted in the last 2 days).

Yesterday, I was able to get into his pc (he left for a meeting and screen saver hadn't yet kicked in). In his sent emails, I found some highly inappropriate ones - to the hs friend (not the former EA, but hs friend #2)- who it turns out was the woman from the business trip. Some are just vaguely flirty like, "one of the cute bartenders reminded me too much of you. I am therefore blaming you for the 3 extra beers I had." Others sound pretty damning... "Going on a biz trip to CA next week - wanna come?" "Keep in mind our pool and bar are a 12 minute detour when you visit your mom... my family is away that week" and "2012 wasn't horrible for me even though it didn't involve sushi with any redheads".

So... what now?

This is what I am thinking...
1) visit an attorney next week. Get my rights and possibilities. We are about 6 months short of a milestone anniversary - does it matter? Also, does fault vs. no-fault matter in my state?

2) get a spy camera so I can get his passwords to his pc as well as fb.

3) blindside him with a polygraph. I won't confront and give him time to concoct a story. We will schedule "lunch" one day in the next few weeks and I will have this planned and scheduled (preferably at our house).

4) As soon as we return from the polygraph, I want access to his fb right then - no chance to delete anything. I also want phone logs and access to emails.

anyone else have brilliant thoughts or advise?

I am just stunned I am back here.

sodamnlost posted 10/19/2013 18:11 PM

What an icky place to be in ;( sounds like your spidey senses are in good tune. That's great.

I think your ideas sound great. Surprising him with the asking of passwords is a great idea. I wish I had done that. Make sure you can see him and he has NO access to anything electronic while you lock down the info. Change the passwords and create an email account he doesn't know about with a new password he's never guess. Change both the email and password and then save EVERYTHING.

Not an easy time for you but it sounds like your head is in the right place. (((((Hugs))))

cissi posted 10/19/2013 20:09 PM

As I was reading your post I kept thinking what a horrible way for you to have to live. Hoping the screensaver hasn't kicked in yet so you can check his emails (and the question came up in my mind WHY you just can't check them any time you want - he never gave you full transparency after the affair?) and then putting spyware on his computer, etc. I have to ask, is this worth it to you? You know what he is doing, you have seen enough. You don't even need him to take a poly, you already know.

Don't doubt yourself. If he isn't going to change, there is not much you can do about it except make sure you and your children are protected.

Good luck to you, hon.

myalterego posted 10/19/2013 20:35 PM

sodamnlost... thanks for those thoughts.

cissi, there was transparency for a few months... and then there wasn't.

When I read it in cold typing, I'm horrified. That's why I also made myself type it - I need to see it.

you are right - I am having a hard time reconciling this person who could do this with the person I fell in love with in college. His pc is locked down pretty tight - it is a work pc and his company is extremely security conscious. For that reason, I am afraid to install a keylogger - I'm not techy enough to know what they've installed on it and I'm afraid of some of the legal cases.

You're right... I know. I just need to hear it from him. I don't want him to explain it away - which is why I want the polygraph. I want to be 100% sure before I totally rock my kids world.

He is traveling a few days this week - I need to get the full list in order.
- Open safe deposit box.
- Take all financials, tax records, passports (kids + mine), ss cards (kids + mine), etc. to safe deposit box.
- buy a new external hard drive.
- back up my pc with all information.
- print out emails (I just took screen shots of them, so they need to be pieced together).
- get all bills paid up to date and current (usually end of the month).
- change all passwords.

its all a bit overwhelming.

myalterego posted 10/19/2013 20:43 PM

The other thing is that I"m trying not to show my mood... I'm overwhelmingly sad. Last night, I was able to explain it away by a headache and he knows I couldn't sleep this am so I'm dragging.

I need to put on the happy face so he doesn't get suspicious. I fear he already has though... otherwise, why delete the relatively innocuous texts?

Skan posted 10/20/2013 08:33 AM

It certainly doesn't sound good. Holding off until he's gone, so you have the time to do what you need to is a great idea. 'Tis the season for colds, maybe you need to fake a cold for the next few days to explain why you're down and dragging. (((hugs)))

cissi posted 10/20/2013 13:36 PM

You need to go about this the way it suits you, get the answers you need. I wish you peace in getting those answers.

Take care.

myalterego posted 10/21/2013 20:40 PM

skan, having a "cold" is a good idea...

cissi, thanks for understanding I need to do it my way.

He clearly has boundary issues whether or not there was something sexual. Even if he passed the poly, I don't know if I could ever trust him again.

I spoke with a poly administrator today - she was an excellent resource. I also made an appointment with an attorney for later this week when he is out of town. She recommended that I wait for the poly - she has some specifics to share with me, so I will listen to her advice first.

I'm tempted to make *taking* the poly as a condition of R ... I won't make any promises that I will actually R but a refusal to take it is an admission of guilt and will not be forgiven. Full disclosure *may* lead to R... or it may not.

I felt better after speaking with the Atty - I feel like I am taking back control. After sitting and putting together my cut and paste of his emails, I am back to shaking.

I can get past it... I just can't believe he would blow up the lives of 3 amazing kids for it. That is what makes me so sad... my poor kids are going to have to live through this.

betrayedme2 posted 10/22/2013 10:37 AM

Myalterego, good luck. Please take care of your emotional and physical health!! It'll eat you up inside, especially when it comes to the kids. Sounds like you're doing it, but think two or three steps out of the what if. What if he pass the poly? Will you believe it? What if he doesn't? What are you prepared to do? Talk to your attorney. I was so lucky I found a great one. She wasn't trying to sell me her her services for a D, she list placed the cold hard truths of D and R on me. This won't be the attorney's first rodeo....

Best wishes!!

myalterego posted 10/23/2013 12:26 PM

betrayed - good advice, thanks.

After speaking with an attorney, she cautioned against the poly... in case he passed, what then? She also said that based on the emails and texts I have, I have enough that I *know* even if I don't *know*. I guess reading some of them aloud to her and seeing the reaction on her face was confirmation that it isn't ok.

She was great - she helped me figure out next steps. I am coming to terms with it. I know I will be an emotional wreck...

I told her - I can deal with it, its okay, I'm tough. How dare he blow up the world of these three amazing kids!

The good news is that I finally got a good night's sleep last night - I think because I'm not playing "huh? what if?" anymore... I'm starting to accept it and figure out my timing and how to move forward.

edited to add:
My attorney absolutely told me that I shouldn't hack into his email or fb or pc. Since I have the password to his phone - that is ok. Also, she was extremely interested that I had it in writing from 2 years ago that he acknowledged wrong-doing and remorse.

So... for all of you in shock... feel free to have email conversations with wandering parties. Print out and keep those emails as needed...

[This message edited by myalterego at 12:29 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday)]

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