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Well I knew something was up just didn't suspect this

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3furkidz posted 10/19/2013 18:07 PM

Little bit of BG before the current story. Three years ago in a moment of weakness I kissed a guy I met at a conference, didn't go any further than that but certainly not for lack of trying on his part. After I confessed my husband stood by me and we've moved past that. I am now 18 weeks pregnant with our first child.
Before we married we discussed divorce and under what conditions we each thought it should be allowed, neither of us believes marriage is a temporary thing or that divorce should ever be the first option. When I married him my family basically disowned me and no longer speak to me, my mom even accused him of being a cradle robbing lecherous old man (he's 6 years older than me).

I knew something was up with my husband recently, he hasn't wanted sex and has been super sweet about some things (found and booked a massage therapist for me when my back was hurting) but a real boob about others (totally didn't back me up when his mom made a wildly inappropriate comment about our parenting choices). He hasn't been sleeping well which is normal when something is bothering him. I just figured he was worrying about the baby again since our second U/S is coming up and he worries about everything. This morning he told me.

He cheated on me. He says he slept with another woman twice in the last two and a half months while he was out of town for business trips. The thing that really kills me, apparently this has all happened since he finally moved up here (we were living in different cities because of my new job and he was taking care of selling our house in the old city). He claims that this only happened twice and he's afraid he's gotten an STD from her. (The first thing I did was take both of us down to the clinic for a blood draw and full STD screen). He says that when he told her they couldn't continue she told him she had viewed the situation as a friends with benefits arrangement (WTF, you knew he's married, you've even met me) and had no intention of pursuing anything further with him.

I'm sure that it's shock but right now I feel like I'm still so angry with MIL that I have no room for anger with him. And he said if I want a divorce he won't fight it. I can tell he felt so guilty that he's lost my trust that nothing I can say will punish him as much as his own guilt (the really sadistic side of me wants to make him give me every detail as punishment). Part of me wants to yell and scream and kick him out and punish him and the other part just wants to gather him up in my arms and tell him I forgive him and that he's gonna have to earn my trust back. I just don't know what to do and I swear if he does an STD that could hurt my baby I will yell and scream but I haven't even said anything to him about that being a possibility (thankfully the doctor took care of letting him know what a bonehead move unprotected sex with two women was and what the consequences of an STD could be for our baby).

He's agreed to go to marriage counseling and agreed to NC with her. He has also promised that the only secret he will ever keep from me again is what he got me for my birthday and Christmas (we'll see how that goes) If the STD screen comes back positive for anything I will be calling her to let her know she should get tested.

I appreciate any advice, and just to be clear I am really hurt (just not angry right now) but I don't want to get rid of him, do want to punch him right now but don't want to get rid of him.

3furkidz posted 10/19/2013 18:18 PM

I feel like I should add that when we first married I was suffering from pretty severe depression because of my parent's attitude and my husband is really what got me through that time.
I can't imagine not having him in my life.

painfulpast posted 10/19/2013 18:23 PM

You're more upset about a comment your MIL made than about your spouse cheating? Is it possible you're thrusting all of your anger onto her because being that angry at your husband is admitting that the man you love so carelessly ignored you, your vows and your family?

I'm not saying MIL is innocent, but her comments shouldn't be a factor right now but you're focusing on it.

It can be common to focus on something other than the A, or to blame the OW more than the WH because accepting that someone you love could betray you so deeply can be a difficult pill to swallow.

Just some thoughts on your situation, nothing more. I"m very sorry your H has done this, and while you're expecting. How selfish and self serving.

Has he looked into IC or into why he may have such poor boundaries?

LeopoldB posted 10/19/2013 18:58 PM

First, jettison MIL from your thinking about this. You may or may not have to deal with her parenting opinions for the rest of your married life.

Based on your "one kiss" experience, you know what a very thin line can separate faithfulness from infidelity. Your H did something very wrong. It may not be the only time he or you do wrong things. The question is, can you and he make things right.

You may get comments and suggestions here about how terrible his behavior is. And that is true. But if you both can do the heavy lifting necessary to make a marriage work, then I don't think this experience has to doom you. If you and he are not willing to do that difficult work, then this incident won't matter, because you won't make it anyway.

AlexFL posted 10/19/2013 21:24 PM

I understand your feelings. You want to scream and punch him but you also feel almost sorry for him and want to make sure he isn't hurting. Since I unfortunately have been through this a few times and after the first time I never thought he'd do it again- I would just suggest you stay in your numb zone because its a body defense so you aren't overehelming yourself all at once- but when those angry moments come that you at least allow yourself to feel the anger. I think you should express how hurt you are to him. I think you are entitled to details. I feel its natural to want to know. My H has done this a few times. I made excuses for my H too - u kissed someone and I am sure u felt terrible. It does not give him the right to have unprotected sex. Mine did the same thing. I just took some tests and luckily all is ok,,, I still will get tested again in 3 months. I think for me- that this is the end if my relationship. I still love him. I don't think he is a horrible person I just know I can't fix him. I hope yours never does this to u again.

Skan posted 10/19/2013 21:26 PM

Hey there. I'm glad that you found us for support. I am really sorry that you had the reason to come find us.

Right now, just concentrate on breathing. That's all that you really should do. I'm sure that you are filled with anger, disbelief, hurt, and every other emotion that can possibly be expressed. And right now, your MILs comments should be the least of your concerns. Your WH and his betrayal of you need to be front and center. She is irrelevant, really. And it is very likely that you are using her as a sort of a whipping-boy, to redirect your rightfully felt feelings of horror, disgust, and disbelief at what your WH has done to you.

He's betrayed you. He's put your health at risk. He's put the life of your unborn baby at risk. All for a casual fuck. Not a nice way to put it, but this isn't a nice situation.

Right now, your only obligation is to yourself and your unborn babies health. It may not feel like it, but I'm betting that you're in shock. That's normal. You need to take care of yourself and your baby first. Eat what you can. Rest when you can. Stay hydrated.

Please spend the weekend reading. Up in the upper left corner, in the yellow box, is The Healing Library. Click on it and start reading. Pretty much any of the articles in this forum with a bulls-eye is also good reading from people who have been there and done that. Knowledge is power. Read up.

I know that things must seem crazy. But in all honesty, you are doing well. You have faced this straight on. Your WH has confessed to you do be aware that you probably don't know everything yet and that is common. You've gone for your STD/HIV tests. And you're talking. You are doing very well, although I know that you probably don't feel like it.

Keep coming back often for support. We're all here for you. (((hugs)))

Gr8Lady posted 10/19/2013 23:23 PM

I am truly sorry for your emotional pain.
Your first priority is to your health and unborn baby.
Now as far as the confession from your hubby. Do you feel the confession was because he was worried about the potential std exposure OR true remorse.
If he came home and the guilt of what he risked was making him remorseful that is a good thing. Some waywards deny deny deny and lie lie lie, without conscience. If his conscience was driving his confession IMHO that speaks volumes.
I truly hope there has been no risk to you or unborn baby.

summerain posted 10/20/2013 08:41 AM

I think you're really on top of things.
I know some other posters are saying forget about mil.

I disagree, focus on how you can confront her and set boundaries. It's important in these times to empower yourself.

The intensity of anger, hurt and sadness will happen soon enough. You may be the explosive type, that's completely okay too.

Individual counselling is paramount as well.

Be kind to yourself

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