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Frusterated at how this impacts every part of my life

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headdesk posted 10/20/2013 00:05 AM

I mean, on an intellectual basis I get why it is poisoning everything atm, and we're really not that far from dday. I know I have to cut myself some breaks here. But I'm tired and frustrated tonight.

Tomorrow his family is coming over so he can change two of their vehicles tires over to winter ones. I was honest and told him that I couldn't play happy housewife with them while he was outside doing the tires. So he'll have to make whatever excuse for me not being there while I have to find somewhere to hide out for a couple of hours. I'll miss seeing my awesome nephew that I don't get to see that often. It's extra frustrating because I have significant health issues that leave me very fatigued.

I guess what I'm saying is it is hard to not feel punished by the A. WH keeps saying 'you have to understand that I'm in pain with this too' - I do get it. I see it. I see his remorse. But the difference in this is he got a choice and I didn't.

So basically this is a whine, but I'd love to hear from others that didn't tell the in-laws on how to deal with it. I'd like to be ok with having some time with them by xmas. I didn't realize how strongly I felt about playing house in front of them until this thing came up. Telling them about the A isn't really practical - his mom never has dealt with his father's death, his one sister is totally dysfunctional and the other is busy with her own family and stress. I'd not gain more from them knowing than what I'd lose from dealing with all the drama.

So any tips or thoughts?

Lowlow posted 10/20/2013 03:26 AM

I don't know how to help you, but I hear you. Four days (yes days) after DD, my SIL and her kids came to stay with us for three days. It was HELL to put it mildly. I was still in shock... Like a walking zombie.

We were watching some stupid reality show and they started playing that damn Whitney Houston song "Saving all my love for you". Talk about trigger song.... I quietly left the room to cry. I think WH told everyone I was sick. First truth from his lips for eons....

So I applaud your great wisdom in not being there when in-laws are present. In my sitch, and 8 months from DD, I actually don't care if my in-laws know... They don't, but what hurts is SIL is one of my best friends and I can't even share my pain her brother has caused me.

Keep strong, keep posting.... Sorry I can't offer any concrete advice, but know we care

Ashland13 posted 10/20/2013 11:41 AM

This is very hard and is more loss for many of us to bear.

I struggle with this on a weekly basis, with a large family of in laws who have their own dysfunction.

What I keep in mind when I'm stronger is that in this case, they were also lied to. Some were drawn into the drama to keep the A underground and have that to live with. Children were drawn in and lied to, no one was spared.

However, what I don't know, is as Fatty B (OW) is let into the daylight and brought into public view, a similar question comes to mind because I cannot be friends with someone who accepts her. I can't. It mean they don't accept me.

I'm sorry to not have active advice but one thing I am is very blunt with them. If I'm down I tell them and I make myself scarce for a while.

Currently XPerv is being a really big jackass and I'm bitter so I told some of them I need some time. They don't want to hear about him in a bad way and have their own denial, so while I can't be rosy and pretend, I go away.

If I'm in their company and have an emotional time come, I excuse myself. None of them were taught to deal with emotions and I know they won't help me or want to hear what's really wrong, so when I'm not strong, I stay away. It's easiest.

I, too have health issues and am often tired and one comment XPerv made was that I didn't take proper care of myself...when it's actually a life long and chronic disease.

Setting boundaries for WH and people is really, really hard, and I'm having to do that too. He was a buffer in a way and that's gone now. And people don't like me to have a backbone, but there it is.

Don't let your WH make his "pain" more important than yours. ETA that some of the things your WH said sound a little narcissistic, like redirecting the attention to him with the boohoo about his pain. Sorry for the sarcasm.

[This message edited by Ashland13 at 11:42 AM, October 20th (Sunday)]

emotionalgirl posted 10/20/2013 11:46 AM

A few weeks past DD my WH asked me to put everything aside and go with him to a family function. We don't see his family much and I am ver close to our nieces and nephew as they have stayed with us allot through the years.

I went with him, but was not my usual happy go lucky self. Some of the family noticed some did not. When they asked my response was I will be ok don't worry. If they pushed my response was just to say"you need to ask your brother/uncle what's going on"".

It let me spend time with people I do love without putting on the fake smile and put the onus on him to explain what was wrong with me. It actually was a pleasant day all in all.

toughernow posted 10/20/2013 11:54 AM


I still feel the same frustration and we are just over a year into R. There is absolutely nothing that could have prepared any of us (BS's) for the intense and prolonged set of adverse emotions the A caused.
In situations like the one you have described I tell myself that it is COMPLETELY APPROPRIATE for me to take care of myself. If I need time and space to be it. If I need to keep people that I feel are "unsafe" away from be it. It is okay to remind yourself that you did not make the decisions that got you here, but you can make the decisions that can help you heal.
I don't know if this helps, but I think I know what you are struggling with.

Pippy posted 10/20/2013 12:51 PM

IMHO you have bought into the crap that your WS has fed you, that your feelings don't count.

Time to get selfish. Stop worrying about the fallout. Let him deal with it. Blood is thicker and all that so expect some betrayal.

Start thinking about your future and how you want to spend the rest of your life. He doesn't sound like a good bet to me.

[This message edited by Pippy at 12:52 PM, October 20th (Sunday)]

headdesk posted 10/20/2013 20:14 PM

Thanks guys.

I had a fabulous time taking photos and then met with friends for coffee/tea. He said everything went alright with his family, though they were asking about me. I missed my nephew, couldn't care otherwise. So it was a good day for me. :)

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