[This message edited by Scubachick at 1:32 AM, October 20th (Sunday)]
H and I have gone down this path several times. I expect we will go down it again.
This is some awful stuff to try to wrap your head around. Sometimes it hits me how very surreal our conversations are. I am sitting here talking with my h about his sex life with another woman, not from the past,but while we were married??? There is just nothing that feels "normal" about that. It does seem necessary to talk about all this crap but it sure doesn't feel natural.
It makes me feel crazy. There just seems to be no "good" answers, they all hurt. I can't help but think, this should not be, we should not have to be doing this, this should not be in our lives.
It seems that we go down that path of distancing, talking about D when he becomes defensive or questions the validity of my feelings.
So far after a couple of days he comes around and stops fighting the reality of the consequences of his actions.
I am beginning, just beginning to accept that no matter what he says to me, nothing is going to change who he was or what he did. I have recently started wondering if I repeat the same questions hoping for a different answer. Sometimes now I do get a different answer but it still hurts.
Do you guys come back to each other and talk compassionately after one of these times?
I don't know your ddate, but it looks recent.
My h is only now beginning to be able to talk in a real way. Our dday antiversary is tomorrow. We have been attempting R since January.
It really is not an easy path. It twists and turns and sometimes I feel so lost and hopeless, then the sun peaks out and I gain a bit of hope.
From what you said it sounds like it's "normal". The ups and downs. This is all new territory for us. Hard to navigate because there are so many unknowns and foreign emotions.
One of the things that I try to remember is that each single day, conversation, in and of itself does not seem to hold a great deal of meaning. It seems to be the total of it all over time. Every time we have a bad day, it feels as if it is always bad and there is no hope. Then we will have a good patch and it feels like we have crossed the divide, then here we are back again on the other side. I am trying to not put so much meaning into each and every moment and step back to look at the total picture, we are making progress when you look at it that way. I needed a lot of time to pass before I could do that and still it does not always work.
I guess just be patient with yourself, be good to you and remember, you will be okay no matter what.
Are you in IC? Can't remember, some days I can't even remember where I am! I got lost on appoinments the other day, twice, just because I wasn't paying attention, driving mindlessly.
I don't know if any of this helps. Just wanted to let you know you are not alone. This is a struggle. We are all so strong though, it amazes me.
I hope you have peace in your day and a "good" conversation.
dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
I attempted R, he was a lie
Like you it seems as if I don't bring up EA or OW or react when I hear her name life is fine and our M is right on track total R. I can do that but in the back of my mind I wonder what happens if we don't get to the root of why he had the EA? Will he just do it again if he's not happy again? Something in our M led him to believe it was ok to seek out attention somewhere else. What was that something?
I am at a loss now and although he agreed to MC his work hours right now are not conducive to going (he is working 90 days on 10 hr days with an hour drive on either end...at this point he is not fit to even communicate with about basic home upkeep let alone our marriage)
First, how are you doing today? I'm sure it's a difficult day for you today.
I want so badly to accept that his answers won't change anything or make me feel any better. Every time I start to, something will pop into my head that will contradict the answer I'm trying to accept. Then I get angry because he tells me he'll do anything to help me heal and to save our marriage. Yeah, anything but answer the questions. I think he won't answer because it makes him feel uncomfortable to think about and then to tell me about it. That's so selfish! My last d date was late June.
Why doesn't what they did matter anymore? I don't understand that. It sure feels like it matters to me. I just want to understand it. I want to understand him and he won't help me.
The ball is in your court. It today is enough - if you can move on with life with him based on today's actions without dealing with yesterday, then you are set. If you cannot, then you need to decide how YOU are going to move forward.
I understand how much it hurts when they don't seem to care about your healing, and only care that their world is 'smooth sailing'. It's another round of 'you don't matter'. You didn't matter during the EA, and you don't matter now. I can't say that is true, but I can say that is how it feels.
So it is your choice. Accept what he is offering, or don't. Not great choices, but choices non the less.
I am sorry you are hurting. No one deserves this much pain.
Hope this helps in some way, if not, discard it all!
Hugs and love your way.
Maybe you guys could schedule dealing with the issues into your life so that the conflict avoidance doesn't lead up to a build up and explosion. You guys admit that this sucks and you are going to address it together and control the times of the conversations, rather than waiting for bombs around every corner. That can't feel good or like you are taking charge of your recovery.
How thoughtful of you to even think of me today when you are struggling so. I am pretty good today actually, better than I thought. Yesterday I had a total meltdown, I think I'm getting in touch with my anger and apparently screaming obscenities is healing for me.
I hope you had a good day. I had to work today and this is the first chance I have had to check back.
I understand so well how it feels when you cannot discuss your pain and get the reassurance that you need.
My h took so long to begin that I had just about given up.
I really get now how important it is to really focus on your life and happiness first and the m second. Not easy by any means.
I need to understand who h was before and how he is different now. I need to hear it from him. I need to know what his thought processes were then and what they are now. We did the same thing that it sounds like you guys are doing. As long as you don't get too emotional, talking is okay with your h.
That is not okay. It was adding to my pain. I felt so alone with it.
Honestly he wouldn't face it, make the effort until he saw that I was ready to walk. I was ready too. I was not just bluffing, I had just reached my limit and could not take anymore, it just grew inside of me.
Are you in IC? MC? sorry if I asked before, memory is pretty bad. I have found for me that having the same IC for MC was beneficial for me in that it validated my interpretations of what was real. A big struggle for me post dday, I did not trust my judgement at all.
It is so hard when you know what you need to heal and it is being denied. The more h and I talk the more I understand his resistance. He really struggles with acknowledging his feelings, I suppose that is his fear, the fear of not being strong, of being hurt, of being vulnerable.
It really is such a balancing game. You would think it would be so straight forward. Spouse 1 does the damage to spouse 2. Therefore spouse 1 does the work for healing first. Ideally, in a perfect world but we sure aren't there. I feel like did the initial work, I pushed him.
The most important thing I did though what truly inspired him was seeing the changes and strength in me.
I wish I could put this more clearly. I have been up since 4 and I am a bit fuzzy.
I will check in the morning. I am off tomorrow so plenty of time.
Pm any time.
And yes, that's exactly how I feel...like I still don't matter.
You feel like you don't matter because he's making it clear that really, you don't. Sad, but true. He's more interested in not being made to feel bad about his abysmal behaviour than he is in helping you cope with the effects of his abysymal behaviour. Selfish, selfish, selfish. His head is still firmly up his ass. He is a rug sweeper of the highest order. Until he sees the light, your R is non-existent. At the risk of sounding too condemning, I'm afraid I have to say that he WILL rug sweep as long as you allow it. (((Scubachick)))
"I could have missed the pain, but I would have had to miss the dance." Garth Brooks
I don't understand.
aren't there just a few choices:
put up with it
I am in the same position.