"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

Averyhurtgirl posted 10/20/2013 02:16 AM

I am a little confused, shock, anxious, depressed but also content.

Its been 18 months since DD and at times, I am still in pain and cannot believe how he did all of this to me. I have put a lot of effort in getting better (group therapy, individual therapy, new job, personal trainer, lost weight, journal, CBT, socializing etc), But there are those moments where it HURTS.

For anyone several years past DD, does the pain ever go away or subside?

Another reason I am upset is because I was hoping that an ex who I previously talked to before my husband would be interested in talking to me again. However, it is pretty clear that he would not be interested (i.e., he talked to me fine in person and acted friendly but when I sent him a couple emails asking him how things are going, he never responded). I had really really liked that ex and wondered how things would have been it it worked out with him.

I am also really missing the emotional connection, the cuddling, and having someone to share my life with. I am living with my parents but its just not the same. How do you fill that void?

Also, I am worried that I will never trust again enough to marry someone. Right now, all guys seem very perverted and like liars to me - I feel like they all want to marry a person who is beautiful on the outside. I also feel like they will never be satisfied with a wife, always have a wondering eye or mind and eventually cheat if they can. Thats just the way I feel right now.

Did anyone feel this way and then change?

fireproof posted 10/20/2013 07:17 AM

At times it does still hurt and I am years out. For a while certain things would trigger me like watching a family in a grocery store and it was an ache deep in the heart. It does get better and the feelings change to being in my case grateful for what I shad when I did and hope that if it is meant to be I will have it again.

As far as your old friend my 2 cents is that you move towards someone you are comfortable with from the past. They are safe and truth be told you think you know them or who they were - feels positive. The disappointment was understandable because you were hoping to rekindle and feel that closeness. The reality is that closeness will come from a variety of things like you are doing and you will get to the point if it is meant to be with a potential partner it will be.

As far as marriage I think you wait until you are ready then wait 6 months more. I never want to go through this again. On the flip side I know if I had to I could handle another divorce. Time will tell if someone's sincere. Also this will work itself out- one day at a time.

The best thing I have found is sticking to close friends(10+ years) and making new ones. I handled something I thought would kill me and survived. Participate in the things you enjoy and actively look at your new life like an adventure. The more content you are with you and ok with being alone the more you will be ready to pick out someone who could potentially be a partner. Dating is confusing and quite stressful in itself BUT it is funny, informative about people in general, provides insight into your needs, etc. I never dated and as my close friend said go on coffee dates and it is just meeting someone new. There will always be more dates enjoy the process.

Good luck! Be true to yourself and the above is only my opinion. I know there will far wiser people to respond!

Averyhurtgirl posted 11/10/2013 22:46 PM

Thank you for the advice.

For some reason, I am still feeling exactly the same way I felt a month ago when I wrote this post =(

There are some good days when then overall, I am still feeling that pain.

I wanted to know, has dating and getting to know other guys helped you get over things?

It's been 1.5 years since DD and I am ready to move on and get over things.

fireproof posted 11/10/2013 23:57 PM

I think the pain will always be there to some extent. I think the goal is to leave it on the table but work proactively to create something new.

Keep trying and doing small things to make things positive.

As far as dating in response to your question No. I will say from what I have read and heard you want to be ok with your life the way it is before dating. Dating has so many variables- casually dating to make a friend at first is a safe way. If you go into dating with the hopes of helping you to move on I fear will work but if things end you will feel a double dose of hurt.

Focus on things that interest you. Rekindle friendships and make new ones. I truly believe the healthier you are the healthier the people you attract.

Be good to yourself - it is a roller coaster but just keep trying and something or a multitude of things will click.

[This message edited by fireproof at 11:59 PM, November 10th (Sunday)]

fireproof posted 11/10/2013 23:57 PM

Duplicate

[This message edited by fireproof at 11:58 PM, November 10th (Sunday)]

fireproof posted 11/10/2013 23:57 PM

Duplicate

[This message edited by fireproof at 11:58 PM, November 10th (Sunday)]

lonelylost posted 11/11/2013 12:49 PM

((Averyhurtgirl))

I also feel like they will never be satisfied with a wife, always have a wondering eye or mind and eventually cheat if they can.

I don't have any words of wisdom but wanted you to know that I feel the same exact way. I feel as though cheating in a relationship will be inevitable and it's just a matter of time.

I think that means we're not ready. I'm guilty of this because I jumped into dating as soon as my divorce was final thinking I was good and my ex was the problem. He was....but I am too.

It will get better and when the time is right, you'll find a healthy person to share a healthy life with.

better4me posted 11/11/2013 14:02 PM

I think you may be rushing things,dear "averyhurtgirl" because of wanting a way out of this pain. I think you ought to give yourself some more time before you decide to date...if you are still thinking:

all guys seem very perverted and like liars to me

you aren't ready yet. Work on loving yourself first. Some of the best advice I received on SI was "Date yourself first". For me that meant I needed to concentrate on making my life more fun, to do more things with my friends, to make my life more interesting by learning new things. I needed to treat myself to outings, and good coffee and good meals and movies. I needed to really work at loving and liking myself.

Then and only then was I ready to date and ask for and seek the relationship where I might find the

emotional connection, the cuddling, and having someone to share my life with.

Until I really liked myself and was satisfied with my life I was willing to settle for pieces of that connection, because I wanted it so much I was willing to settle for less than what I deserved. I was in such a hurry to get out of the pain and lonliness that I was willing to settle for an "okay" relationship when what I really really want is the best damn relationship , the one I really deserve.

Slow down and let the healing happen...

hexed posted 11/11/2013 15:36 PM

((avhg))

I think a lot of us felt that way at 18 months post dday.

healing is really individual. there's no right or wrong on how fast you heal. you need to take the time to do it though. don't sweep it away, ignore it or distract yourself from the process. Just don't get stuck in the same place. baby steps forward are forward progress.

from your post it seems like you're not ready to date yet. don't worry about it. missing the comforts of relationship is normal but diving into a bad one will only compound the hurt.

i'm coming up on 6yrs since dday. every now and again something comes along to cause a twinge of sadness. However, nearly all days are free from the pain of dday. i've moved on. its part of history not part of my life. Hang in there. 18 months is still very early.