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Did your thoughts get "crazier" near dday antiversary?

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cantaccept posted 10/20/2013 04:32 AM

My brain seems to be going to all kinds of new lows.

First the question about "if ow was married, would you still have gotten involved with her?"

What does that matter? She wasn't and he did. Will change nothing.

Then our conversation the other night about his feelings and actions toward me before and shortly after dday. He stated that he felt like I was his enemy and was in his way. Yes, I felt this, his contempt was palpable.

Then that brings me to a new thought, awful, "did you ever wish me dead?" you know just out of the way, problem solved, terrible terminal disease, accident, moral dilemma gone, sympathy and encouragement for moving on with your "perfect life".

Yesterday, I could not control my emotions. I held it all in at work but in the car on the way home it felt like a violent storm inside my head and body. I wanted to scream, to smash things. When I got home I let it out in a very uncharacteristic way for me.

H came into the kitchen and asked what was wrong, I just told him I had crazy head. I guess the look on my face was angry. He asked, "why are you mad at me?" Probably not the right question in the moment. I lost it, I didn't say anything directly about him but cried and yelled a stream of obscenities. Who was that? I had such rage and pain, it just came spewing out and I don't think any of it made any sense, just every vile word I could think of, I probably made a few up.

H held me as I cried but when I started yelling obscenities he walked outside. I went to bed and sobbed, not cried, but sobbed and screamed, that primal scream of pain for maybe half an hour. He came up and held me when I calmed. He made me dinner. I apologized for expressing my anger in such an unhealthy way. He understood, said it was probably necessary, that I needed to get it out.

He apologized to me for causing so much pain. He thanked me for giving him this chance. He told me that throughout his days at work he does think about this, about the pain he has caused me.

It helped to hear all of that from him. I think we might be starting in the right direction.

I feel so embarrassed about my outburst yesterday. That is not me, I am always so in control of my words and actions. In a strange way it did offer relief. After, even though I felt embarrassed, ashamed of my words and screaming, my body and mind felt lightened. It felt almost like I would imaging a violent storm, the build up of energy, the crashing of thunder and flashes of lightening and rain pounding, then the slow lifting, the calm after.

I have never done this in front of anyone before. I did this every night when h was gone. I screamed and cried, without the obscenities though, this is new, until I lost my voice. I just did it in private. If anyone wanted to come over I made excused because I needed my fix of screaming.

As soon as h moved home I stopped. I thought I stopped because I didn't need it, because now I could talk to him. Maybe I do need to scream still, to let out this pain in a primal way. Maybe I have just been stuffing it down because I am ashamed of my loss of control.

summerain posted 10/20/2013 04:55 AM

No my thoughts did not get crazier from my perspective

But wh said I seemed just 'slightly unhinged' like I was just very 'off'

However when the university started back up at the beginning of this year I was really depressed

It wasn't suicidal really, just like bad visions.

Oh god i'm sounding crazier by the minute.

I would have these fixations on hurting myself. I spoke to my gp and she ended up referring me to a bulkbilling psychiatrist (I was shocked to learn the existed) but I never went back to the gp or went to the pyschiatrist.

But you know what, it went away. I was surrounded by triggers and I got used to it.

So you may be reacting to a huge trigger and it will go away and you should be okay too,


I had this thing for a few days about putting a cigarette out on my eyeball.

From what you've written you will be fine

cantaccept posted 10/20/2013 05:09 AM

I haven't said it out loud or even written it down.

I too have been having "thoughts". Just hoping it will pass.

I have been having these moments where the pain seems so intense and so overwhelming that it feels as if it will never end.

I have moments where I just wish it would end. I found myself yesterday sitting outside at work and wondering, "who would really be affected, who would it hurt?"

I thought of my son, the one who would be hurt. No, can't do that to him, he needs me too much right now.

It passed, it is awful though, to have these thoughts. I will talk to IC this week. Until you said that I wasn't even acknowledging that I was thinking this way.

Marathonwaseasy posted 10/20/2013 05:54 AM

I'm so new to this but here's my 2 cents
You (and I) need to lose control. Scary though it is.
I often feel I wish I was dead. To escape the pain. I'm not suicidal as such. But I just do not want this pain. The only thing that helps me is letting the feelings out a little or a lot.
All the best to you today

SoVerySadNow posted 10/20/2013 07:28 AM

I get what you are saying too.
I wasn't specifically suicidal, but I prayed for death every night-probably a fine line. A terrible accident would have been just fine. I really didn't care- still don't a lot of the time.
I told Finally10 that I now completely understand how those people in the World Trade Center could have jumped out windows. Not to diminish what they were going through, after all they were being faced with horrible physical torture. I could not even fathom how they cold bring themselves to jump. Now I sort of get it.
What they were jumping from was so awful, so painful, so beyond horrible, that it was better to jump out a window to certain death than suffer it for another second.

I have also attacks of rage. I am so hurt and angry that WH decided to just shit all over us, our marriage, our family, me, his VOWS to me. And act so ugly and hateful about it, lie for so long. As if the infidelity itself wasn't enough- he had to totally shred us and our life. Made my life such a hell with his attitude and treatment of ME. I'm not the one who ruined things! He had the gaul to leave me because he just couldn't deal with me any more. (He further let me humiliate myself by allowing me to beg him to come home and then agreeing. How stupid and pathetic of me.)

Sorry to rant on here, but I totally get your rage and the need for it to come out. I, like you, have developed a colorful and dramatic vocabulary- even new use for words. Unlike you, I'm not to the point where I feel guilty or bad about it though. You are acting much more maturely than I am. WH has asked me not to talk to him like that.

Maybe Marathon is right- we do need to get it out. It's practically the only thing we have control of---> the lack of control.
Ed for spelling.

[This message edited by SoVerySadNow at 7:29 AM, October 20th (Sunday)]

sisoon posted 10/20/2013 07:36 AM

I'm told I was a wreck in the several months running up to 1st anti. (Not quite as bad for the 2nd; still better for the 3rd.)

If you pull over to the side of the road (sorry, I have to emphasize that), a car is great place to cry and scream.

I suspect you feel like this added pain to your life, but in actuality, it reduced the pain you carry with you. Really, nobody was hurt by your crying and screaming. Your self-image may have taken a hit, but the tradeoff was pretty much in your favor - you got rid of a lot of pain.

You may have reminded your H what he did, but you also gave him an opportunity to make amends - and he made something of it. That's a win for both of you.

Sounds pretty healthy to me.

cantaccept posted 10/20/2013 08:23 AM

You are all so very right. It actually was helpful, (healthy?)

I have been being so controlled, stuffing back all this rage that really is inside me.

sisoon, I do scream when I drive. If I have to cry I pull over. I find I can scream obscenities and still drive.

When h got up this morning we talked about my "expression" last night.

It was a win for both. I showed him, let him see for himself, experience the depth and rawness of this pain.

For me it was twofold, I released a lot of pent up anger, frustration and pain. He did not run away or become angry. This was huge for us. He actually comforted me, chose to see and understand.

I see it today, after getting over my shame, that I must be feeling safer with him to risk exposing that raw pain to him. He is becoming more compassionate and is accepting the consequences. He is feeling my pain, acknowledging that it is his actions that caused it and is reaching out to help me.

This is good. This is crazy.

Who would have ever thought that screaming, sobbing uncontrollably and shouting obscenities would be a healthy thing for a marriage???

I feel better this morning than I have for the past week. I need to release this pain. I am going to think about possibly a more controlled way to do it on a regular basis. Screaming is not very good, it hurts my throat. While h was gone I screamed every night and lost my voice, the doctor was not sure if I had done permanent damage. My voice is back but it still doesn't feel or sound quite the same.

The elliptical is good but not quite aggressive enough. I don't dare run because I have a bad knee that is good now and I don't want to lose it. I do have the urge to run though, that release of energy, I used to run before I was injured.

Not sure, I guess it may be time to find something new. Kickboxing? I need something easy on the knee. I don't think yoga for this.

Maybe just being creative with my new found vocabulary!

OnAnIsland posted 10/20/2013 09:11 AM

Getting close to d day anti 2, and when I find myself feeling particularly suspicious or vulnerable, I will check to. We where we are on the A timeline. Right now I am about a year from finding out about broken nc. And yeah I am a little unhinged. And the fall is rough because there visits were mostly now during the active A time.

I think you are perfectly normal in this, and I think you do need to get it out, and it doesn't hurt for him to see the depth of it.

He seems to have handled it in a peaceful way as well, not defensive, etc. be gentle with yourself in these days. And be mindful- where are you now in your M? Who is this WH? How does he act toward you? What is he doing to heal you and himself and rebuild the M? My IC is fabulous at pointing out the positive steps that my WH is making. And when I can't see her, I try to journal about my thoughts emotions, and what is being done by both of us in this M.

heartache101 posted 10/20/2013 09:25 AM

No now I would liken it to the passing of your dearesr loved one. The sorrow of never having that hug from that person that special smile.....
I am talking years down the road 20 plus for me..
The first year I screamed nightly in my sleep stomped and faught in my sleep even hit my husband in my sleep! I hid my pain all day long but at night when I was asleep my mind found relief. I cried silently for months at my desk.
The pain at times is to much at first.
It will dwindle but you have to quit feeding the fire too. Live in this moment not the past. You can visit the past just dont stay there.

Do something for you on these days. Reclaim YOUR life.

cantaccept posted 10/20/2013 09:26 AM

Hi Island,

I think part of the reason I am feeling so crazy right now is of course the memories that are so vivid right now, it being a season and it is only the past week that h is truly being consistent.

Yesterday was huge, if I had been in that state, even two weeks ago, it would have turned ugly.

Even my IC has been confirming my thoughts and feelings that h is not expressing remorse or doing all he should be. At times it felt that he was even prepping me for the ending of our marriage.

Over the last week though he has had a dramatic shift that even IC has seen and has encouraged me about.

This is positive, this was true action, this was putting me above him. This was him understanding my pain, with no minimizing, defensiveness or blameshifting. He saw it, accepted the reality of it and did his best to help me even though it made him feel pain. That is huge.

I made sure I told him this morning how much that meant to me. I told him how proud of him I am for facing this pain. I told him how much it helps me and how I view it as progress for us.

Today I feel good and I am going to run with it.

Good timing also, tomorrow is dday antiversary #1, we have MC at 8am.

LA44 posted 10/20/2013 10:42 AM

((Cantaccept)), I guess yes, I too feel unhinged as D-Day approaches. It also falls on his bday and Christmas is 2.5 weeks later.

Anger is good. So is expressing it without low blows. I know people want me to get more pissed - I actually do but I don't get on SI very often and post, "hey everyone, I was a raging maniac last night". Maybe that says something about me not being entirely comfortable w anger. But trust me, I do yell, cry, and I swear. I have screamed into my pillow and in the car as well.

My H is really not comfortable with anger. It was not expressed at home. No fights and yet his parents divorced 20 years in (A). In fact, once my FIL hears us arguing pre-M and said to H, "Oh that is not good. That scares me!" So, he does what he knows.

Anyway, cantaccept. Let's you and I work on our "expressions" as your H put it. I love that he held you, said sorry and said thanks for giving him a chance at R. My H does the sorry part and has owned this from the get-go. However, he used to say how "lucky" he was at the R chance but hasn't lately. I think he is getting complacent. We will talk about this.

As for productive ways of releasing anger. Remember my jumping jacks? But seriously, I would be a mad woman w/o the gym and the elliptical! I too would love to run - just sprint 200 metres at a time. Show my kids how fast their mama used to be but two knee surgeries in, no can do. Kickboxing - I didn't do it bc of my knee. I do go to yoga/once week and it calms my head. Plus the next day I am super sore. That with the elliptical, plus a walk few times a week has really helped.

I made sure I told him this morning how much that meant to me. I told him how proud of him I am for facing this pain. I told him how much it helps me and how I view it as progress for us.

This is good too. I will think of you tomorrow. Hugs, prayers, peace to you.

cantaccept posted 10/20/2013 11:00 AM

Hi LA,

I read your post this morning and was thinking, "she sounds like me with the anger".

I am the one that has the fear of anger. Honestly I think yesterday was the first time I ever let it out without trying to filter it, without worrying about what would happen.

Still trying to overcome those foo issues. As a child if I ever dared to express anger I would be beaten. Hell, sometimes I was beaten or worse just because I existed.

I am in awe of how good it feels today. I let out that pain in such a primal way and then to be comforted is so good. It feels healing, affirming.

Isn't it crazy how your whole life come tumbling out with this? I am dealing with issues now that I didn't even know existed before.

I must say to have that selfless comfort from h was the most amazing experience. It really does bring some relief.

I know, I will fall back down again, but, maybe, maybe, he really gets it. I hope so. He seems to be talking and thinking so differently in just the last week. Now I see effort also. Still feel a bit aprehensive but I guess that is normal.

I guess I had to draw my line in the sand for him to believe that I really meant all that I have been saying. I guess I had to believe it myself before he could "feel" the truth of it.

His new words help so much. Feels like I'm talking about my son when he was 2! At first all I got was, "I'm sorry this happened". It made me want to punch him in the nose!

Now, he is saying things that take ownership and then express remorse and then appreciation of me! It is huge. I was really starting to wonder if I was longing for something that wouldn't even matter. Now, I have experienced it, it truly helps. It will make a difference.

Now that he is taking this step, do I raise the bar higher???

sisoon posted 10/20/2013 13:29 PM

I find I can scream obscenities and still drive.

I forgot about that for a moment.

[This message edited by sisoon at 1:29 PM, October 20th (Sunday)]

crossroads2010 posted 10/20/2013 13:48 PM

It felt almost like I would imaging a violent storm, the build up of energy, the crashing of thunder and flashes of lightening and rain pounding, then the slow lifting, the calm after.

What a great description of "it" every BS who has experienced it are not crazy and should not feel bad, or embarrassed... this is part of the healing.

If you pull over to the side of the road (sorry, I have to emphasize that), a car is great place to cry and scream.

My car is my friend...I have wailed in it and banged on the steering wheel. I got this car a few months after was just time for a new one, but in retrospect my fWH may have suggested it thinking I needed reliable transportation when he left me for OW....???, but I have done some of my best thinking there driving to and from work. Walking in the woods is a god release/think time also.

You have to compartmentalize at work, with your kid, etc to get through the day, but need a time to just let it out! It will get better over time, but antiversary time IS tough!

bionicgal posted 10/20/2013 13:51 PM

I recommend power yoga -- it isn't slow and meditative, but flows, and is done in a heated room so you sweat like mad. It is very cathartic.

Also, maybe a boxing class?

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