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Opinions pls co sleeping w 15 yo

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tiredofit posted 10/20/2013 10:11 AM

The new guy I'm dating is very nice. Has 2 kids that he's very close to. Found out his 15 1/2 yo son still sleeps with him more than just occasionally. I find this very strange.
Isn't that too old? Does it mean anything??
Opinions would be appreciated!

Chrysalis123 posted 10/20/2013 10:47 AM

I am not a psychologist, but I find it really odd.

Teenagers are designed to pull away from parents. A teen wanting to sleep with a parent just seems really odd and abnormal.

A parent not wanting a sound nights sleep plus sharing a bed with a person that old seems odd to me.

I would be wondering about lack of boundaries for sure.

moveon? posted 10/20/2013 11:01 AM

Yes, seems very odd. Did you discuss it with him? Did he offer a reason as to why this is happening?

9.10.11 posted 10/20/2013 11:04 AM

No, not normal. But divorce is also not "normal". What did the kid go through, is he alienated in some way at school or home, does he not want his dad to share the bed with a SO...etc.

My daughter, 15, will sleep in my bed sometimes.(very rare) usually due to a storm or coyotes(we live in country). It's a king size bed, 3 more could sleep in there and I'd never know.

Could be a phase, most likely a fear. Just so many other factors that its hard to say.

but it is a red flag to you, if he won't talk about it then it's odd.

remember if you makes an "ass" out of "u" and "me".

tiredofit posted 10/20/2013 11:26 AM

I didnt say anything to him. It's my understanding his son sleeps with him when his daughter stays at a friends house overnight.
Wasn't sure if I should think its nice he's so close to his kids or if it's creepy. Just started seeing him so it didn't seem like a subject I should question or just say "next."

cmego posted 10/20/2013 11:40 AM

I'd question before you say "next". At least hear why, it may be something like separation anxiety...? I'd say it is a "yellow flag" and proceed with caution.

Williesmom posted 10/20/2013 15:03 PM

One of my friends has a son that is 14 and does this. The XW just walked away from the marriage and kids. Consequently, the kids have huge abandonment issues.

Sad in AZ posted 10/20/2013 15:41 PM

Luckily, DS stopped sleeping with us when he was 10--it was occasional, usually when he was scared or sick--but up until he got married at 25, he would lay with his head in XH's lap when he wasn't feeling well. His dad was always his source of comfort, and we didn't think much of it. He's a well-adjusted adult. I don't know if this helps...

devistatedmom posted 10/20/2013 16:02 PM

I wouldn't next "just" because of that. Yes, having a 15 yo in the bed with an adult isn't "right", but like others have said, it depends on the circumstances. I'd keep an eye out on other things to see if anything else seemed funky before saying forget it.

After xh walked on us, then the dog dying and my kids finding his body, I had BOTH kids in bed with me. My daughter (10 at the time) stayed for a few weeks, then went back to her own bed for room. My son (13, I think) was in my bed for months. He couldn't sleep, he kept thinking if he slept he would wake up and I'd be gone like his dad, or dead like the dog. I finally had to be "mean" and order him back to his bed to get him to go. It was terrible, but no way in heck I would have stopped him for the first while as I knew he felt safer if he knew I was close.

risingfromashes posted 10/20/2013 16:44 PM

I agree that this is a yellow flag. Having said that my dd went through a terrible crisis when she was 17. She slept with me a few nights a week for about 2 months.

Could this be a temporary situation? Is his son having a hard time with his parents divorce?

Abbondad posted 10/20/2013 17:03 PM

I agree: yellow flag bordering on red, perhaps. My nine-year-old sleeps in his bed 99% of the time. He just says "Goodnight" and off he goes.

This did not come easily. It happened over the course of two years. The other night he felt anxious and slipped in with me. I did not boot him out; I just didn't have the heart. The poor kid's going through so much.

But there is IMO a BIG gap between nine and fifteen. I cannot imagine myself at fifteen having any real desire to sleep with my mom or dad. If anything, I was determined NOT to do anything so "babyish" (plus my parents would not have stood for it).

Like the others have said, fifteen is a time for breaking away from the parental bonds. It can be painful for a fifteen-year-old who, let's face it, a mere five years ago he was just a boy of ten.

Once in a great while with very good reason? Maybe. Frequently with no protest from Dad? Odd. Not suggesting anything "worse," but it is quite unusual.

I would discuss it further with him, maybe even suggest you feel a bit uncomfortable with this, and see how he reacts. Good luck.

tiredofit posted 10/20/2013 17:27 PM

He's been divorced since his son was 6 so I don't know if this is divorce anxiety related.

wildbananas posted 10/20/2013 17:52 PM

The girl bananas don't sleep with me but every once in a while, one (either 17, 14 and 10) will ask but when they do, it's because they're upset or scared or sick.

I will say when XSO and I broke up a couple years ago, the oldest girl banana wandered in my room more than once when we were settling into our new place and life without him. (It wasn't because she missed him; it was because he was a huge dick and was pretty mean to all of them, especially toward the end.)

I wouldn't say red flag but maybe yellow. I could understand it if it was in reaction to something upsetting but it would concern me if it was an everyday, normal thing for them.

PhoenixRisen posted 10/20/2013 21:17 PM

Sleeping is hugely influenced by culture and individual families.
What is typical in one country (ie family bed) is taboo in another.
I wouldn't worry about it to much.

Kajem posted 10/20/2013 23:18 PM

Its almost a red flag for me because of what I have seen a friend go thru with her son for the last 20 years.

He started sleeping with her when her XH left. Then he became anxious and would wake in the middle of the night, and go to sleep in mom's bed. It's continued so that now she is his security blanket and he expects her to be in her bed in case he needs her. He is 30yo.

If you continue with this relationship. I would want to know Why, how often, and what sets him off that he feels the need to be close to dad?

Good luck,


EvenKeel posted 10/21/2013 12:57 PM

I would think if there was something really strange happening then new guy probably would not of shared this with you?

Good news is the fact that you know leaves it open to discuss when you feel more comfortable with him.

Does new guy have custody or do his kiddos go back and forth?

Neither of my children were big on co-sleeping....until the D.

No change with DS but DD who never slept one night in my bed her entire life suddenly took up residency in my bed. We are coming up on four years since X moved out and she is still there. Once in a blue moon, she will do a week or so in her bed but then she is right back.

I have not made a big deal out of this because obviously it was something she needed. Initially I thought she just needed more me time since she was going back and forth to her fathers. However, visitation fizzled quickly and she rarely goes (like once a year) and she still is in my bed (now age 12).

As others have pointed out, something that is taboo in one culture is very typical in others.

tiredofit posted 10/21/2013 14:48 PM

He has custody so has his kids almost all the time. The way he talks about them they seem younger than they are. He mentioned his son sleeping with him like it was cute.

Exit Wounds posted 10/21/2013 16:44 PM

Williesmom said:

One of my friends has a son that is 14 and does this. The XW just walked away from the marriage and kids. Consequently, the kids have huge abandonment issues.

I have a 13 year old son and a 15 year old daughter. Ever since their dad literally walked out on us and abandoned the kids, they kids had HUGE abandonment issues as well. My son kept saying "well, daddy left, why wouldn't you?"

Since then they both take turns sleeping in my bed. (from time to time). It gives them a sense of security I guess. I prefer my bed to myself
BUT! My kids come first, so I allow them to sleep in my bed whenever they feel the need to do so.

Also, they never slept in our bed unless they were sick when sperm and I were still married.

[This message edited by Exit Wounds at 4:53 PM, October 21st (Monday)]

million pieces posted 10/21/2013 22:21 PM

Of course he thinks it is cute, he still sees his son as little. It is probably the same way I was with nursing my kiddos. I was always uncomfortable with the thought of a toddler nursing, until my kids were still nursing and walking and "asking" for it. It was funny, just a few weeks after they weaned, I would look at them and think, holy cow they are too old to be nursing

TheHardWay posted 10/22/2013 15:58 PM

I have two boys - they are now 23 and 19. My divorce was final 10 yrs ago - and me and the boys were on our own for 7 yrs or so. Not ONCE did either of them EVER sleep in my bed. We lived in a 2/2 apartment and they shared a room which might have kept them from being scared or lonely plus I was always right outside the door in the living room.

NOW my youngest is 19 and if he gets super ill, he wants me in HIS room in HIS bed - and I cant leave - LOL even if he falls asleep. He had has wisdom teeth out few months ago and had a bad reaction to the anesthesia - lots of vomiting. I had to get in bed with him - I was "allowed" to watch tv - but I couldn't leave, even when he fell asleep.

Other then such as situation above or some other type of situation - a 15 yr old sleeping with a parent is kinda weird. JMO

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