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stupid , stupid me, I came home

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nestlee posted 10/20/2013 12:09 PM

I can't believe how stupid I was to think he really did change. I moved back October 1st. The kidsweir so happy to be back in in their old schools. My WS agreed to go to mc. I Thought everything was gonna be for the better. And in some ways it is. And some ways it's worse.

Since I've been home. My WS has been very dedicated to the kids. He's even helping around the house. There's been no name calling or yelling. But he still is angry all the time. When I ask him why he's so pissed off all the time he said he doesn't no. Then yesterday he started putting down my appearance...first it was about my gray hair..I only have like 20 of them. Then it was about the small gap in my teeth. I got upset and he told me to relax he was only kidding . sorry I don't find it funny.

A part of me wished I never came back. I don't feel happy and I hate his dam angry out bursts. We are going to MC on Tuesday and I don't know now if I even want to R. I think after 2 1/2 months my feelings have changed. I'll still go. If nothing works out this time..he's the one that will be leaving. Not putting my kids through that BS again. I also been very quiet and nice..when my WS has his freak outs. I decided this more..the next time he blows up for no reason..I'm gonna stand my ground and tell him just what I think. I just don't understand! Why he's so angry. One minute he's so loving the next minute he's mad. Any of your WS have blow ups for no reason. What may be going through their head!

Sorry for typos...thanks for reading.

headdesk posted 10/20/2013 12:27 PM

Sounds like he's kinda emotionally abusive. Actually take away the 'kinda'.

Has he done any IC? I wouldn't want to be home to that either.

Pippy posted 10/20/2013 12:40 PM

I'd be suspicious that he is cheating again. The volatile mood swings and suddenly finding fault with your appearance are two red flags.

1devastedmom posted 10/20/2013 14:32 PM

No never, my WH has been nothing but sweet,loving and kind to me since DD, he is just grateful for a second chance and promises me that I'll never regret giving him the chance to make it up to me. I'm so sorry for the way he is treating you. You deserve to be treated with love and respect especially since you gave him the gift of reconciliation.

emotionalgirl posted 10/20/2013 16:18 PM

Nestlee...I agree with headdesk, he is emotionally abusive.

I will be honest my WH has been that way for years. Since before his EA my response is always the same...stand and passively listen to his verbal diarrhea and then very calmly ask him "are you done?" When he doesn't know how to answer I then very calmly say " if you are that unhappy with my _______then you know where the door is. Don't let it hit your ass on the way out!" I then turn around and leave the room. He usually stands there gaping and then tries to backpedal I ignore and go about my business, sometimes I just leave the house altogether and go for a walk.

I learnt this from alanon. It is called detachment and the less I show emotion or become argumentative the less the behaviour occurs.

An alcoholic will use the fight as a way to justify drinking. I believe the same applies in an A situation. The WS uses the fighting to justify going out and having an A. You know the story " I had to find someone to comfort me my spouse and I fight all the time, my M is awful.

My advice, approach this in MC by asking directly if he even wants the marriage. Maybe it's not just you maybe he is looking for an excuse for an exit A and your coming home moved the timeline forward. You won't know until you ask the difficult questions.

For me my WH emotionally abusuve behaviour has all but stopped since the end of his EA. I asked the hard question of did he even want this marriage. He was horrified I would even ask, so I sat down with him and layer out how his behaviour and emotional abuse would lead me to believe he feels I am not good enough to be married to and that since he had an A then someone else might make him happier. If that was the case he could leave no harm no fowl our lawyers could sort out the property! He started IC the next day.

Good luck whatever path you decide to take

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