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SisterMilkshake posted 10/20/2013 12:28 PM

I search nearly every day here at SI. I search and I search. I search for the answers. I search for the unanswerable. I search for an antidote to the pain, to the memories.

There has to be an answer, there has to be an antidote, one can not continue with this always, always, always in the corners of your mind.

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 12:29 PM, October 20th (Sunday)]

jo2love posted 10/20/2013 12:44 PM

(((Sister)))

HardenMyHeart posted 10/20/2013 13:00 PM

(((Sister)))

There has to be an answer, there has to be an antidote, one can not continue with this always, always, always in the corners of your mind.

Two of the questions I asked myself during the early painful days of R was, What is happiness and why do we suffer? After years of searching, I found the answers. Unfortunately, knowing the answers does not solve the problem.

Basically, happiness and suffering are based on your attitude and point of view. The saying that happiness comes from within is very true. The same applies to suffering.

There is an antidote, but you're not going to like it. The antidote is to stop being right. You suffer because you think you are right, and blame others or your circumstances because they do not conform with your view of the world. This not only apply to infidelity, but to all things.

As long as you continue to blame others (or your circumstances) for your negative feelings, you will always suffer. Once you realize you have the power to control your mind, by taking the power away from those you blame, you will start to see things differently.

What is happiness? Happiness is just a calm, content, and peaceful mind. That's all. It's not found in material things and it's not found in your spouse. It's searching for the beauty and joy in the world around you. It's there right now inside of your mind, but you must find the wisdom to know it.

I recommend the following book to help you look at things differently:
The Joy of Living: Unlocking the Secret and Science of Happiness by Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche

The book requires a bit of outside the box thinking, but it definitely helped my wife and me with some of our struggles; and not just with infidelity.

So sorry you are suffering. Your answers are out there, but you may be looking in the wrong places.

[This message edited by HardenMyHeart at 9:18 PM, October 20th (Sunday)]

sisoon posted 10/20/2013 13:20 PM

If you find the answer, let me know. I'll do the same for you, if I find it.

I think the answer and antidote lie in doing some R work that we just don't recognize yet (which, on doubt, is yet another reason it's a 2-5 year process, except for those who need more or less time....)

LoveActually posted 10/20/2013 13:39 PM

((SisterM)))

Ditto.

bionicgal posted 10/20/2013 13:45 PM

Sister M:
I get it. I am here, on a Sunday, miles behind in my work, and on about 3 hours of sleep.

Sometimes I find pearls of wisdom on SI, sometimes companionship, sometimes a lively debate, and sometimes a huge trigger. But what I really come here looking for, is the magic antidote for the pain to be over.

I love HMH's sentiments. I read a lot of Buddhist thinkers, and I know that I need to lean into the pain - that resisting it causes more suffering. There has been so much joy in the 4 months since Dday -- an unusual amount. But, as you know, the pain is also excruciating.

So, just know that you are not alone, and that all beings suffer to some degree - it is our nature.

FightingBack posted 10/20/2013 13:50 PM

Sister, I am here with you......searching.

Your posts always seem so together and grounded, that I assumed that your main purpose here was to help others come to greater understanding.

Which you do, but I didn't realize that you are still in such pain. I guess it never really goes away.

(((((sister)))))

rachelc posted 10/20/2013 14:02 PM

((Sisterm))

That's why I've read about 600 books on all this shit, searching for magic pill I guess. It doesn't exist.

Dallas2 posted 10/20/2013 14:11 PM

SisterMilkshake- I also look and read but I am finding my peace.

Hope and faith help. I hope for a better tommorow and have faith that it will be.

(((HUGS)))

somanyyears posted 10/20/2013 14:12 PM


..

with this always, always, always in the corners of your mind.


..not able to get closure and a searing hatred for bfOM keeps the pain alive.

..peace of mind is elusive..

smy 4 U SMs

GraceisGood posted 10/20/2013 14:48 PM

Sister:

I too have done the searching. Not just since D-day, but since 6 months into my M (which was nearly 25 years ago), I knew something was "wrong" and of course assumed it was me, you know the "search yourself/you can only change yourself" line of thinking. So I read and read and researched and researched and I tried and tried and hoped and hoped and kept on keeping on, over and over, round and round, squeek, squeek went my wheels frantic for decades.

Then I finally came across Buddhism and its theory of suffering, etc. And a new way of thinking was opened to me.

It does not all work for me, but some does. What I have found, that is working, is to get off the wheel, or at least not run so frantic on it (I have been on the wheel so long that to stop cold turkey is not gonna happen, but I have stopped about 75% of it and am working towards 100%)

The less I search and read and research and just "be" the more content I am. I do not have answers, and there are still many "needs" I have that are unmet, but I seem to be able to deal with that better, the longing, the desires, the hoping, is gone. (and not to T/J but giving up hope was one of the most profound things I did to find peace, always hoping caused me such pain when year after year, decade after decade those hopes went unanswered)

We are all different and this might not be where your journey leads you.

grace

Laura28 posted 10/20/2013 14:57 PM

((((SMS))))

I'm in the same boat honey.

I guess all we can do is keep holding each other's hands.

BIG HUGS

Laura

HardenMyHeart posted 10/20/2013 15:06 PM

and not to T/J but giving up hope was one of the most profound things I did to find peace, always hoping caused me such pain when year after year, decade after decade those hopes went unanswered

This is definitely on point. Hope is an escape mechanism that keeps you trapped in your present suffering. Hope can make you unwilling to change and to find the beauty, joy, and happiness that exist in the present. This concept is discussed in the wonderful book by Pema Chodron titled:
When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times

I have also found a good deal of valuable advice in Western Psychology books; in particular using Cognitive Based Therapy (CBT). When combined with the Buddhist philosophy, CBT offers a powerful technique for dealing with negative feelings and emotional suffering. In particular, I liked the book:
The 14 Day Stress Cure: A New Approach for Dealing With Stress That Can Change Your Life by Morton C. Orman

[This message edited by HardenMyHeart at 3:08 PM, October 20th (Sunday)]

Williesmom posted 10/20/2013 15:16 PM

Same here. I have taken to asking people IRL if they are happy, and why are they happy. It leads to an entire happiness discussion. I'm sure that they think I'm more than a little weird.

AFrayedKnot posted 10/20/2013 15:20 PM

Deep down you all know why you are here. Why you come back day after day.

To help each each other!!!!

And that my friends IS the antidote.

mchercheur posted 10/20/2013 15:29 PM

Sister, I am here with you......searching.
Your posts always seem so together and grounded, that I assumed that your main purpose here was to help others come to greater understanding.

Which you do, but I didn't realize that you are still in such pain. I guess it never really goes away.

(((((sister)))))

Ditto.
I too have a million other things to do right now, & yet I checked in, hoping to find a few pearls of wisdom, a laugh, or some comfort.

I too am searching searching searching for the answer to why this happened.

Hence my username: "chercheur" means "searcher" in French, & I have French ancestry.

A few good days will go by, of course I think about it every day, but don't obsess about it most of the time, & then it will hit me:
How could WH do that to me?
How could he just throw me & the kids away like that?
And how can it be that he never brings it up? I have told him that I still think about it all the time. If I were him, I would be acknowledging to me frequently that he knows I am still in pain & he loves me & appreciates that I am willing to try to work on us.
I am working so hard in IC & on my own trying to fix what was wrong with me ( I was so angry at him that he had just checked out of the marriage for a couple of years before his A, but felt so bad about myself that I just stopped talking to him. I still feel bad about myself, but am working hard in IC on keeping communication open.)
But he is happy go lucky.
I just don't get it, & am still trying to figure it out.

unfound posted 10/20/2013 15:37 PM

Oh Sister , I know exactly what you mean. I use to do it too. Not just here, but everywhere: a movie, a tv show, at the grocery store, in a book.... Somewhere, there HAD to be the answer, the "fix", some profound phrase, moment, epiphany waiting for me to discover or trip on or learn.

Looking back, they were there. In the most unassuming places. But there was no one "AH HA" moment or answer. Lots of little things that added up. Lots of nits and specks that seemed insignificant alone, but so so detrimental to my healing. Some things I've long forgotten, while others will stay with me for as long as I live.

Sometimes, just sometimes when we loosen our grip on the search, the answers come quietly.

There may not be any big answer for you in this, but when you do find them, or they find you, I know you'll continue to pass them on for others to find too.

catlover50 posted 10/20/2013 15:53 PM

(((Sister))))

So sorry you are hurting today hon.

Just this morning on my run, when my mind usually goes "there" yet again, I had a minor epiphany. He's not that man now. It really doesn't matter what effed up things he did years ago. He has changed so much he says he feels "reborn". And to prove it, he is outside right now Restoring the deck perfectly happily. With pneumonia. His only complaint is that he hasn't had enough time with me this weekend and his illness has had me doing all the giving.

Sister I know that your H has changed as well. And you have chosen to stay with him. I have decided to just keep saying "he's not that man now" and try not to go there. Working so far. For me, and I suspect for you, there is no more to be gained by going over it and over it.

Best to you.

rachelc posted 10/20/2013 16:43 PM

giving up hope was one of the most profound things I did to find peace

This makes my heart hurt. Is this acceptance, which this thread is all about, or settling or the reliazation that we never had it right in the first place.

LA44 posted 10/20/2013 17:05 PM

SMS, here is a GIANT((((hug))).

I appreciate the words HmH wrote.

I read your posts and can almost feel the strength of you emerging from the screen but we all have days that are so tiring. Draining.

Rest tonight.
LA

[This message edited by LA44 at 5:05 PM, October 20th (Sunday)]

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