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Questions from WS about the affair

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FightingBack posted 10/20/2013 12:44 PM

Does anyone's WS ever ask the BS questions?

As a BS I of course have asked my H plenty and still do, but apart from the general "How are you feeling?", he never asks about my thoughts or feelings about his affair, or how I might have felt during those years.

Perhaps it is because I tell him, so he doesn't need to ask, but I can't have told him everything.

Shouldn't he be a bit curious as to my experience, reactions, feelings, thoughts? Not just then but now and for the future?

I always want to know these things.

Does anyone's WS express an interest about this?

Card posted 10/20/2013 13:21 PM

As a FWS, I know, because of my A, the time of my A is a great source of pain for my wife.

I do not like causing her pain, nor do I want to trigger her and cause her to go to a dark place that causes me pain in return.... So I tread very lightly regarding the period of time surrounding my A...

It's been 6 years of recovery this month, and although I feel safe discussing anything at this point, it still weighs on me to bring these past topics up with her.

The future is a different story though. Right from the start of recovery, I was all about painting a picture of our future together. I still do this today.


FightingBack posted 10/20/2013 13:27 PM

Thanks for that Card. It makes sense to me that at this point in your recovery you wouldn't bring the subject up out of the blue.

But may I ask if, during your early recovery, did you ever ask our wife what her experiences were? Perhaps while you were having a discussion about the affair.

Did you personally want to understand her feelings and thoughts? Or was that not an issue because you already knew?

Card posted 10/20/2013 15:41 PM


Did you personally want to understand her feelings and thoughts? Or was that not an issue because you already knew?

She discussed so much with me early on that I knew her feelings and her thoughts intimately.


RedRose posted 10/20/2013 19:57 PM

I think that my WH doesn't want to trigger me/cause me to think about the A. Unfortunately, I always think about it, and wish he would be more proactive in communicating about it.

We have set aside Thursday nights to talk about affair and/or marriage stuff, though more often than not we talk about it at other times during the week too. It is nice to know that at least once a week, he is now coming up with something to talk to me about.

Williesmom posted 10/20/2013 20:04 PM

Men didn't ask any questions. If he wasn't the topic, he wasn't interested.

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