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blakesteele posted 10/20/2013 13:39 PM

....a kind of buyers remorse if you will.

NOTE: Please forgive the simplistic theory I am about to express and ask for input on...my concentration is lacking, but I did take notes on this before I started typing...it is my best shot, but far from complete.

Affairs = instant gratification (romantic love, escape, intimacy, sex)

Porn use = instant gratification (orgasm, multiple sex partners, endorphin release)

Speaking from experience with porn....it did feel good while doing it, but left me feeling unfulfilled and lost, detached afterwards.

Speaking from observing my wife during and after her A.....it too felt good while doing it, but has since left her feeling unfulfilled and lost, detached.

Here is what I summize; most things that I find fulfilling in my life did not come instantly....they came after planning and work, delayed gratification. Those things that left me with the emptiest feelings where those that took little effort to attain.

I am convinced we are all seeking love and appreciate beauty.

Outward signs and gestures of love, such as flowers, are easy to accomplish but are fleeting in nature....this is the instant love gestures that have their place, but can not possibly begin to be used as a replacement for true mature love and the gestures associated with that.

Outward lures of beauty, such as a pretty face or the erotic emotions mixed in with sex with a new person are real, but they are easily found (via the eye of the beholder)...instant gratification. They are also fleeting....a horrible accident can disfigure, the erotic energy of new sex fades over time.

So what does delayed gratification look like with regards to mature love, true deep intimacy?

I recently came back from a forestry conference. We toured forests that I helped manage almost 20 years ago. Of course I thought we were doing good management, that we were nurturing a forest to a healthy, mature state...but I could not be sure because foresters think in at least 10 year intervals, with 100 year rotations.....so my career has been one of consistent delayed gratification with regards to my day to day activities.

It was on this tour that I saw, first hand, that much of what I was a part of 20 years ago has paid of exponentially. The managed forests were much healthier then those that were not managed.

I have nothing to compare this journey through infidelity with....so I have often relayed it to my career as a forester. The above is what I have come up with.

M is the ultimate long range planning effort....you cant drastically change your goals for it daily or monthly. I get this part. But you also have to have long range goals....that is something my wife and I were too weak on, not specific enough.

That is a start of another post from me.

For this one...I am curious as to if others agree or not and if anyone can submit an idea on what true mature love looks like, acts like....love past the flowers and romantic stages.

God be with us all.

Dallas2 posted 10/20/2013 14:06 PM

I like how you presented this and agree.

Mature love- that's a good question. Mature love is there for us to see and to acheive.

Mature love is still loving your S even after looks fade, after the sexual highs, the empty nest, and health is gone.

Examples I can think of: Watching an old couple shuffle along hand in hand. The husband who tells his wife she is still beautiful. (even if we don't see it). The look of love between a couple. I hope you you know what I mean. Partners still trying to take care of each other and being their best for each other. Last but not least still doing some of the instanstly graotfying things for each other. He brings her flowers, She make his favorite dinner and always give each other a kiss.

blakesteele posted 10/20/2013 14:21 PM

We marry while in immature love (romantic love) ...we falsely assume this instant gratification love is actually fixing us without us having to do the dreadfully painful task of fixing ourselves. Then, when that immature love wanes we start to become aware that we are NOT fixed, we still have intimacy issues, but are not mature enough to face ourselves....so we distract ourselves with activities.....this carries us a bit further then romantic love did....but we come back to this same frustrated spot! We have midlife crisis we have affairs we use porn more and more.....these are even shorter fixes then we used before....but are easily repeatable and so we can choose to do them again and again.

At some point we have to decide just how much delayed gratification we are willing to accept to get past this frustrated spot we have visited throughout our journey between our heart and our mind. Just how vulnerable we are willing to be, how much more pain our heart will take in order to free it from the pain it suffered early in its life?

[This message edited by blakesteele at 2:25 PM, October 20th (Sunday)]