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Sammy2013 posted 10/20/2013 14:15 PM

Hello all. I posted on the Reconciliation page yesterday, but figured I should come here. About a month out from DDay. WH claimed it was emotional only, but it's trickling out slowly. After catching him in a lie last week, it has come out that they shared an awkward kiss. I'm not 100% sure that's it. Due to that I have a doc appt for STD just in case. He seems to be saying all he right things, claimed to have ended contact (after she turned down a job to work and travel with him when he told her his marriage would be over if she took it and she didn't want to shoulder that guilt, puke).

But, obviously, I don't really believe a word he says right now due to the trickle truth and then the lie last week. Now he's pulling the "can't we just move on" stage. After one of those fabulous, emotional draining convos yesterday, he gets that I can't "just get over it" and has agreed to MC and IC. That gives me hope. When I told him I have a doc appt he cried and said he's sorry he hurt me, but understands and hoped that WHEN I come back clean it will help move us forward in the right direction.

So, I want to work on my marriage. I am hoping he does too. I am hoping it didn't go past kissing. But I'm trying to be smart and cautious without hindering recovery and reconciliation.

I'm sure I will be on here more in the many months to come!!

surviving1963 posted 10/20/2013 14:31 PM

Dear Sammy, My heart aches for you. One of the hardest things is to keep getting trickle truths. Just when you think there can't possibly be more....there is. Keep your eyes WIDE open and realize you don't deserve to be disrespected. Try to stay level-headed (I know that's almost impossible.) Don't let him get the best of you by rug-sweeping. Keep all evidence, but don't let him know about everything you have. It can tend to make the WH take the A underground.

I hope there is healing for you. Just remember how important trust and respect are in a relationship. Don't settle for anything less. Hugs

Sammy2013 posted 10/20/2013 14:49 PM

Thanks Surviving! I told him the trickle truths and lies are doing just as much damage, if not more than the affair. He told me when he came home from a trip to Chicago (where she lives). Couldn't make live to be due to the guilt. However, that trip occurred 2 weeks after San Fran. Where they reconnected and the romantic night and kiss supposedly happened. He has no problem being intimate when he got home from that. Which leads me to believe they took it to the next level when he went to Chicago. I'm terrified that more is going to come out, but hopeful it's not true. :-/.

SerJR posted 10/20/2013 15:11 PM

Welcome here Sammy...

It sounds like he is taking some of the right steps. Agreeing the MC and IC is good... and the fact that he understands you can't "just get over it" is even more encouraging (as unremorseful WS's typically want to minimise and pretend nothing happened). This type of recognition is a good thing.

As for the trickle-truth, it is very painful to deal with, and it does seem to be a natural defense mechanism WS's will resort to. And more often than not, it does seem that most times there is more to the story.

There is an article in the Healing Library called Joseph's letter. It's a good read which will help you to understand your feelings on this. Depending on how everything goes, it may be worth sharing your own version with him at MC.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/confrontation/joseph.asp

Reconciliation is built upon a few pillars for a solid foundation. The first is that the WS accepts responsibility for their decision (no blameshifting) and takes ownership of those consequences. The second is that the WS recognises the pain that their choices caused you. The third is introspection into understanding why they felt their choice was acceptable, what they need to do to work on themselves and what steps need to be taken to ensure it never happens again. The fourth is actively trying to make amends to the marriage and to rebuild based on self/mutual respect, honesty and transparency, and communication. Hopefully this template will help you to understand what you need to see from him, consistently, with action.

[This message edited by SerJR at 3:12 PM, October 20th (Sunday)]

AlexFL posted 10/20/2013 16:47 PM

It's hard for me to Think that just an awkward kiss would give him such guilt. I understand that he wishes to move on but my gut is that he wishes to move on so that no more truths will trickle out. Ex. My friend found out her husband was having an affair for a year. He said it never went past the oral phase. She seemed like she believed it... She asked my opinion and I unwillingly told her that I did not believe a man would not go to the next level after an entire year. Well I was hoping I was wrong but I was right. The story has a happy ending - after he admitted everything -they were able to work on their issues with a counselor and they have not had to deal with any infidelity (that we know of)

headdesk posted 10/21/2013 00:29 AM

Your gut is acting up for a reason. The lying and not-telling are the parts that hurt me the most too.

If you can, dig for more info. Snoop.

Hugs.

Drowninginitall posted 10/21/2013 11:03 AM

Yes, the trickle truths hurt as much as finding about the A in the first place.
I hope you can get the answers you need to take care of yourself and start healing. I don't think moving on can occur without truth. Sorry you're here...

Skan posted 10/21/2013 13:13 PM

but understands and hoped that WHEN I come back clean it will help move us forward in the right direction.

You coming back with a clean STD/HIV panel means absolutely nothing if he has consumated his A and just hasn't managed to give you a disease yet. He needs to be tested too. No matter what he says. He needs to get himself down to the doctor's office as well. (((hugs)))