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Does your xWS try to make you feel guilty?

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dindy posted 10/20/2013 15:05 PM

My ex keeps asking me to look after our children on the two days that he has them, and the only time that I can work due to childcare. He knows that I am unable to take unpaid time off and I don't get paid sick pay either.

Again today he asked me to look after our kids, assuming that it is up to me to take time off work as he is on a course. He blatantly tried to make me feel bad by saying that he could lose his job and that I am their mother. I know that he would never lose his job as every time he goes through a rough patch his bosses keep giving him pay rises as they want to keep him there so badly.

It is this job that meant he was away from me and our children for 12 hours a day without even a phone call, and I couldn't even phone him as he was too busy.

And it was this job that he met OW at and had a EA & PA with. Funny though, he had plenty of time to take romantic walks with her on his lunch break but couldn't call home.

Anyway I'm digressing.....

We have had 3 conversations in the last 2 months with me reiterating that if he can't look after the kids whilst it is his time to look after them then it is his responsibility to find suitable childcare.

I know some of you think that this is mean of me but I can not afford to take the time off work. My manager has agreed that I work for 8 hours on a Friday and 8 hours on a Saturday so that I work enough hours to claim tax credits. Without these my children and I would be on the streets as I only earn minimum wage. Most of my holidays have already been used up too due to my children being ill and I only have 3 days to last until the end of March 2014.

Also, on Friday night I had a call from him saying that he had to take our DS to A&E as he had banged his head. He was really stressed out and wanted to let me know that I should get there immediately. I knew that this was just him over-reacting like he does (that's another story I won't go into) and I knew that my son would be fine as HE HAD JUST BANGED HIS HEAD!! Sure enough when I got there my son was absolutely fine with a little bump on his head. It was completely unnecessary taking him to A&E as all children fall and bump their heads but I can't say that too him. I don't think he realises that I struggle on my own and our DS and DD bang their heads all the time at mine too!

Apart from these recurring issues we co-parent very amicably. I am happy that he sees his children for 2 days per week as I think it is important that they see their father and forge a healthy relationship with him.

Sometimes it feels like he thinks we are still together and it really pisses me off. I've decided that I am going to have a legal document drawn up to include custody, child maintenance and boundaries so that in future when he asks me again, I can refer back to this document.

I'm sorry for waffling on, just needed to get it all out.

Thank you for listening.

Softcentre posted 10/20/2013 15:22 PM

It's not about him respecting your boundaries, it's about you asserting your boundaries.

No is a full sentence. You don't need to justify yourself to him, just practice saying, no. Or maybe, No, that doesn't work for me.

And if you feel like that makes you the bad guy. How many days holiday do you reckon he still has?...

dindy posted 10/20/2013 15:31 PM

Thank you Softcentre.

I did initially say no. And then after some defensive texts I suggested we get a mediator to clarify boundaries. I managed to keep calm and civil with him and it ended with him saying that making a mountain out of a molehill should be my epithah!!

Softcentre posted 10/20/2013 15:43 PM

And there he goes trying to manipulate and blameshift because you wouldn't do what he wanted ((hugs))

He knows you still care about him. It looks like he only cares about you doing what he wants, not about you.

My WH has tried to get me to take the children for a few more hours so he can do a course. I've countered with the idea that he looks after them one evening, in exchange. No answer yet. I'm sure he would have got back very quickly if I'd just said yes.

Remember, he's in a very selfish place, that's why he's had the A etc. He actually owes YOU, he shouldn't be asking for more help. And he should be looking after them when they're ill on his days - it's all part of being areal parent, surely?

WH tried this on me too, theoretically when the children were ill the evening before his day. I made it clear that even if they were ill, I had plans and he needed to have them, even if that meant him looking after them at mine.

dindy posted 10/20/2013 16:28 PM

Yes Softcentre, he only cares about himself and what I can do for him. He doesn't give the slightest shit about me and as far as I'm concerned he can lie in the bed he made.

The communication with him did make me feel slightly angry earlier but to be honest I feel completely indifferent now. This is the first time I've really felt like this and it feels good to not care!!

I've been doing so much positive stuff for me and my children to let a POS like him get me down :)

blakesteele posted 10/20/2013 17:02 PM

My D brother wrestles with this very issue with his ex.....we just talked about it in length during a long road trip.

I like and subscribe to "boundaries". Luckily I don't yet have custody issues.

My brothers ex routinely picks up her daughter late, drops her off at my brothers house early, and sometimes passes on caring for her daughter all together.

I was present one weekend and saw how tragic it is in real life. Her Mom was scheduled to pick her up at 9:30 am. At 10:30 she was answer. The daughter started acting out....had to be separated from our daughters for a bit. Finally at 11:30 her mom called, she was still in bed. I wound up taking her to her Moms.

It is a struggle....on one hand you want to stand up for your boundaries. On the other hand, by doing so, you make the child seem like no one values her, no one cares about her.

It's not a big enough issue to fight for full custody, but is enough to be damaging to my brother and his daughter.

Ironic in their case....his ex swore they would be so much better off without my brother. Since there D he has helped her when she was unemployed, without a car, lacked down payment money for an apartment 5 years after their D (and 3 years after her personal bankruptcy). So far her claims have gone unsupported.

But if my brother stands his ground....his daughter will suffer more.

I will watch this post closely and see if I can get some healthy solutions to my brother.

Thank you for posting...sorry you find yourself in a position to post it.

I sold some bikes to a single Mom here in town....met her and her son for only 10 minutes....that boy was so hungry for a Dad he almost hugged me when I left. I saw this same thing at VBS from boys from D homes where the dad was all but gone.

I pray I always keep that in keep some of my pain from pushing me into selfish spots.

And it is selfish....that day I took her back....the only reason her Mom didn't honor her commitment was she chose to sleep in....I asked. No headache, no sickness.... Just felt good to sleep in.

I continue to struggle with the difference between right and wrong and being judgemental. But when your actions are knowingly hurting someone and you choose to do them anyway....and repeatedly do them....that is wrong. There is a time for righteous anger....just tough to risk the health of a child by expressing it.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 5:07 PM, October 20th (Sunday)]

dindy posted 10/21/2013 02:33 AM

Thank you for your response blakesteele. I feel sad for your D's daughter.

This is the third time in two months that I've had this conversation with ex. He did say last time that he wouldn't ask me again and sure enough he has and ended up getting defensive, again.

I don't think he has any idea how difficult it is raising two kids alone as he only had them for 2 nights a week. I'm not complaining and to be honest I hate not being able to tuck my kids in at night and give them kisses before I go to bed. But, I HAVE to work when I don't have my kids.

Since DDay he has been completely unremorseful. When he moved out the only thing he did was take a few van loads of stuff to the tip, which I paid for. He didn't help me with anything when me and my kids had to move out. Not even offer to help move or pack some of their stuff. I had to do everything alone including cleaning the whole house, hire a gardener and hire a removals man to take extra stuff to the tip. He even left a lot of his larger stuff behind that I had to get rid of.

And to top it off he is always telling me how skint he is. He earns 50,000 pa so it's not my fault that he is crap with money. When I met him he had just received a 55,000 inheritance that he blew in a year and a half, not working, and buying big boys toys. He knows that if he is ever stuck then his parents will always help him out. He had never had to struggle in life as his parents always bail him out.

I think it is because of this that he sees love and people as things that are owed to him without having to give anything back.

I'm sick of him trying to manipulate me and make me feel guilty for taking child maintenance.

I think if this keeps happening then I just might lawyer up and apply for full custody. It's not something I want to do but I'm sick of him making out that it is my problem that he can't sort out childcare just because I am their mother.

Also, it's his birthday on Sunday and I am expecting another text 'by mistake', something along the lines of letting me know he is with another woman, as it will really cheese him off that I won't be acknowledging his birthday. He did this after Father's Day too, and again last month.

He really is a sad effort of a human being.

TrustGone posted 10/21/2013 06:55 AM

My XWH#1 tried the same shit with me and he didn't work. I was the bread winner and he was the sleazebag that did nothing all day but ride the roads and spend my money on whores. Anyway every time my son got sick when he was with him, he would want to bring him home for me to take care of. I remember we had a big snow/ice storm while we were in the middle of the D. He insisted on bringing my son home, an hours drive, in the middle of it. The schools were closed, so I had to take off work to watch my son. I also had my WH#2 there (boyfriend at the time)who I had to make leave because I had not yet introduced him to my son. It took my WH#2 over 6 hours to get home during the storm and he only lived an hour away. Not only did he risk my son's life by driving him in the storm, but he also risk my WH#2's life. I finally got to the point where I told him if my son was sick, then he needed to deal with it himself and he needed to take him to the doctor when he had him. It took him a while to get the hang of it, but eventually he did when I refused to be his babysitter.

You have to draw the line in the sand. It is his responsibility to find a sitter if he is unable to care for the kids when he has them. He fired you from that job when you got a D. I know it is hard, but do not feel guilty for saying NO. You have to work and that is just the way it is. Do not back down and do not feel guilty. You are still giving him way too much power over your life. You need to stop giving him that power and take it back for yourself and your children. (((HUGS)))

heartache101 posted 10/21/2013 07:12 AM

It is truly sad when the parent does this to a child. My father chose his AP over his children. He started by seeing us then the no shows my mom would take me and drop me off a few times when he was a no show.
Then poof he was gone. The pain this causes a child is unbelievable.
In my adult life my father wanted to see me and my kids he saw my boys briefly I would not let him become a part of their lives and disappear.
Hugs doll....

dindy posted 10/21/2013 07:43 AM

Thank you for your replies. It is bullying as far as I'm concerned.

Oh and he also said it would affect the children. Another attempt to manipulate me.


blakesteele posted 10/21/2013 09:15 AM

My father chose his AP over his children.

I can see the pain of the people responding to this post are in.

I am grateful that, for right now, I am not able to fully comprehend the ongoing nature of this pain to you all.

DURING all affairs, the WS did what is quoted here....they choose their AP over their family...not just over their spouse, but their family. It is something some WS ever admit to, claiming they would never choose another person over their children...but during their affair it was all about them and everyone else be damned.

I still have pain and saddness over that period of this journey for us...but that pain had a finite space in time.

I see this pain is ongoing and renewing for some...I wish I had an answer to this.

I read a couple of books on divorce...they spoke of how it trades one set of issues for set of struggles and pain for another.

I see this first hand in my brothers case...and that is why this post is of interest to me.

I pray for all people affected by infidelity and divorce. I am praying a specific prayer for all on this post as well.

I pray God opens the hearts of those who choose to chase their own fulfillment over fulfilling their part of His plan.

God be with us all.

blakesteele posted 10/21/2013 09:20 AM

p.s. My parents D, just now starting to get a bigger picture of what caused it (financial, disrespect, and another woman)...but the fact that my Dad choose to disappear from my life totally for 10 years has not changed.

I cant say 100% my dad choose his AP over my mom and us because Mom was not receptive to R their M....but the end result is my Dad did choose to move to the state where she lived and to effectively stop being our Dad for 10 years....until I flew out with my then GF now W to see him.

His first question to me was "What do you want from me?".

Then poof he was gone. The pain this causes a child is unbelievable.

This simple sentence can not express the pain that single action causes a child....I didnt fully understand that because I never allowed myself to think too long on it...but having been betrayed by my wife I have looked at it.....and it is so damn painful! My wife asked me last night "so, when you tell me you are in pain it is safe to assume it is mostly because of my A...". My answer was yes. To be sure the pain I feel now (of which their is considerable amount) is mixed with the realization of the pain I caused my wife over the years of our marriage....but I have yet to have a day go by that the primary source of pain is not the betrayal of my wife. I am 13 months out....2-5 year period right? its normal to spontaneously cry daily, right?

As I write this latest post to this thread I just realized the reason that little boy with the bike, those boys at VBS, the current struggles of the members responding to this post are touching me so deeply is that I can relate to those boys so completely.

I know a man here in town...he is not at all connected to his children, he has had inappropriate FB contact with another woman, they are in counseling...if they D I am fairly certain he will act as my Dad did....and his kids will pay the price that I am paying.

I am at work...and really must focus on major project right now....I just want to hug everyone on this post....I don't feel the pain that you do, but am afraid I feel the pain of your children too deeply. It is true kids are resilent...I was resilent....unfortunately, how I was resilient was to develop some FOO issues and coping mechanisms that succeeded in stopping some of the extreme pain, but this band aid approach did NOT prepare me to have a fully healthy mature love connection to my wife....she brought similar issues with her into our union.

God help us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 9:31 AM, October 21st (Monday)]

dindy posted 10/21/2013 10:32 AM

Thank you for the hug blakesteele and sending one back to you.

Ostrich80 posted 10/21/2013 10:42 AM

Mean?? No your not being mean. He's being a bully. He's trying to guilt you and yes, he is acting like your still married and your the mom who takescare of the kids, while he works.He had the A, he broke up the unit. It's his responsibility to find childcare on the days he has the kids. I say use a moderator, because no matter how you say NO, its going to be the wrong way because he wants you to say yes. He's wrong, don't risk your job so he can slack in his responsibilities.

dindy posted 10/21/2013 11:42 AM

Thank you Ostrich80 you've hit the nail on the head.

I have said this to him but he just tries to make me feel guilty. I've also said, 3 times now, that as he put the OW above me and the family unit I am no longer the person he can ask anymore.

But guess what, I don't feel guilty and he can stick his lying, cheating and manipulative ways where the sun don't shine! :)

angerisme posted 10/21/2013 11:45 AM


Separate your emotions from his words. It will render him powerless. When he says, "Ill lose my job," then you say, "okay well I hope you find another one fast. Kids will be ready at 8 am" CLICK.

Also, PLEASE start doing EVERY COMMUNICATION through email ONLY so you have a verified record of him trying to get out of childcare!!!!!! AND DO NOT TELL HIM WHY YOU ARE ONLY COMMUNICATING WITH EMAIL. you owe him NO explanations anymore....NOTHING.

dindy posted 10/21/2013 16:07 PM

thank you angerisme.

I have stuck to only emailing him in the past but them he said that he wasn't receiving my emails as they went into his trash can. Now I can see that this is just another form of his manipulation.

I'm in the process of having legal documents drawn up so that I can clearly define my boundaries as I've ad enough of his selfish ways.

I'm not even sad or angry with him anymore, just fed up with it really.

Though this evening my son got really upset and said something that made me think that he overheard ex slagging me off.

I can not even imagine what I will be capable of if ex's shit starts rubbing off on my children. I WILL quit my job and take sole custody if that ever happens.

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