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WH not being honest about who knows

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roarlouder posted 10/20/2013 15:41 PM

We are only 6 weeks past dday. My WS has told numerous friends about the A and me finding out. However, he's lied about talking to them about it. I pressured and got BS that he hasn't and i shouldn't cause stress unnecessarily, hes trying, etc (typical bs) He's now finally come clean that he talked to them. The problem isn't that he talked to them, the problem is he lied to me to "protect me" .. And while these are his life long friends, we are couple friends and I think I should have a choice in how/who knows. I've told 1 person, and not even the whole story. He's talked to at least 4. Here's the other problem: I know for a fact at least 1 knew before. He didn't confess, he told them he got caught. So when he did come clean about talking to them the whole "being accountable and owning up" is BS.

I think probably many if them knew. How do I handle this? I get he doesn't want me mad at them for protecting him, but he's still lying to me. That's a problem. I deserve to know, and if he can look me in the eye and lie about this he can lie about anything. I am considering contacting OW to ask if she'd met any of the friends, but I don't want to give her satisfaction of attention and I don't consider her a reliable source. How to proceed?

I am considering when he gets home letting him know I will not stand for any less than 100% honesty the first time I ask. Tell him to pack a bag and contact me only if he's willing to do so.

unfound posted 10/20/2013 15:51 PM

the problem is he lied to me to "protect me"

He lied to protect himself. He lied because he knew that it was wrong. He lied because he's not owning up and doesn't realize that even one little lie, what he ate for breakfast or how many times he peed today has nothing to do with protecting you, but covering his own ass.

Your consequence for not having total honesty is fine if that's what you feel you need to do.

I'd suggest not contacting the OW. You're right, no attention, no insight into your relationship.

roarlouder posted 10/20/2013 16:08 PM

It is so frustrating because he seems to be doing everything else right. As much as I can verify, he's where he says he is, with who he says, etc. I fairly confident he hasn't had contact with OW. If he has, it's recent and on a secret phone.

It's like he gets it for a minute and then is back to the old ways. I understand the situation if I know all our friends know. He doesn't seem to understand what a lie, any lie, does. Or doesn't believe I'll walk and isn't taking my expectations seriously. If you can lie about this, you can lie about anything. It is also tricky because this is part trusting my gut, and verifying and I don't want to reveal my sources. I am not mad at his friends for knowing, I am mad at his lies. I don't, and won't, hold them accountable for what has happened.

I now feel like everything that's been done and said over the last 6 weeks has been lies and manipulation. I am so tired of verifying, so tired of giving second chances. I want to get to reconciliation, but he's making me question if its worth my time. Any advice from those of you with experience is appreciated.

roarlouder posted 10/20/2013 16:10 PM

Any suggestions of how to verify no contact?

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