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Dealing with others

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LearnToLoveAgain posted 10/20/2013 16:17 PM

For people who have chosen to work it out and or have worked it out, how did you handle friends and family who knew? How did you kill the paranoia? Did it fade in time? Did you just not care what people say cause it's YOUR relationship/marriage?

tryinghard2013 posted 10/20/2013 17:04 PM

Because I knew I wanted to stay from the beginning I never told anyone about it. If I had told family and friends I don't think it would have ever felt the same around them I'm glad I kept it private

Morhurt posted 10/20/2013 17:06 PM

In our case only our mothers and his brother know (and obviously the OW and anyone they told but they don't live in our town). They are all friends of our marriage so I don't worry about what they think. As for other people, if they're not supportive, ditch them.

LA44 posted 10/20/2013 17:11 PM

We live in a small town. Telling everyone and their brother was not something I was willing to do. The gossip here is brutal and I don't want to be anyone's anecdote at the bus stop.

I told my bff, my sister and my cousin. My bff gave me support I needed. The other two had a rough go and could not see straight. Caused me more pain. His dad and his wife know and have helped us tremendously.

His mom/sister do not know bc they are not stable with information. Nothing good could come from telling his Mom.

We told my parents bc my teenage niece found out and she was threatening to tell them. My H told my parents and also gave him a chance to apologize to them bc he used them during the A.

There is only one couple friend of ours who live here that know - they have been a great support and told us they will stand by us.

Essentially everyone said they took my lead. My lead was to keep going. They follow.

LA44 posted 10/20/2013 17:15 PM

Just to add...Tell people who will be friends of the marriage in good times and in bad. Doesn't mean you need to tell them all. But if they have always had a hate on for your spouse, I suggest you keep them out of your biz.

LearnToLoveAgain posted 10/20/2013 17:27 PM

My best friend knows and what they said is "proof is in the pudding, if he's remorseful and you are ok, we are ok" so she supportive. I don't think the OW is telling people, it's not something to brag about and I know she's atleast remorseful of it. There's 2 others who found out cause the OW told them )cause it was at that persons house) but they have been supportive. Tell us they want us to work it out. I'm just paranoid it kills me. Someone will say something to me and I automatically think they know and I start to freak out.

HurtButHopeful? posted 10/20/2013 17:51 PM

I told all my female friends at church. They were amazing. I also told 5 close friends outside of church. They were also amazing. When we got back together, H apologized to our church. Only one of his friends couldn't talk to him because he couldn't let it go. But eventually the friend forgave him and we're close.

One woman and her husband learned of it, and caused us a lot of pain with her gossiping to people who didn't know us. Those people later apologized for putting my H through a type of inquisition, but we have chosen to stay away from all of them.

I wish I hadn't told anyone, but I needed the support, and overall people appreciate that we are real people with problems and they haven't held H's A against us.

I didn't tell H's family. His mother was an OW. She D'd H's dad and M the OM, who was H's step dad for years. She has never loved me like a daughter, and she would find a way to blame me for her son's A. I don't need more pain. Glad I didn't tell her. H would tell her if I wanted him to, but he has respected my wish to not involve her.

[This message edited by HurtButHopeful? at 5:55 PM, October 20th (Sunday)]

LearnToLoveAgain posted 10/20/2013 19:22 PM

I wish I wouldn't of told anyone too, but I was in panic mode and made a rash decision. It sucks. I (personally for me) don't want this one mistake to define my husband or marriage, cause it doesn't. But it still sucks. I feel like if more people found out I would be strong. Tell them it's not their life. That I don't want to throw away years of happiness and walk out of my step kids life for ONE mistake, even tho it's very bad one.

Want2help posted 10/20/2013 23:42 PM

He moved in with her, so I told people. We also worked together, so all of our co-workers found out.

Our family accepted (even celebrated) our R. I did lose quite a few friends who didn't think FWH deserved me, and didn't want to see me get hurt again.

Now we're 6 years out and people hardly even remember, honestly.

WhatsRight posted 10/21/2013 08:05 AM

I have told NOONE for this exact reason.

I really hope you can encourage people to accept whatever decision you make.


Trying2013 posted 10/21/2013 08:17 AM

I told my best friend immediately. She and I have supported each other through a lot of situations and I knew that she would support me in what I wanted to do. It actually helped because she kept saying 'he's such a great guy, I'm so mad that he did this, but I know he isn't a bad person'. It made me feel good to know that she sees him the same way I did.
I told some other friends and family that we were having some tough times and struggling with communication, which is true. That was the best I could give for why we were taking some time apart. They seem somewhat satisfied with that answer.
I don't regret telling my BFF. She has always been very open to all sides of a situation, but is still honest with me when my emotions are going crazy.

HormonalWoman posted 10/21/2013 09:00 AM

I didn't care really. People can judge but they don't know until they are in the situation. If it wasn't such a taboo subject maybe more people would understand why infidelity really happens? instead of always thinking the bs 'must have done something wrong' type mentality.

Guttedagain posted 10/21/2013 09:28 AM

We didn't tell anyone, my FIL is terminally ill and we are all struggling with it, I'm not prepared to add to the hurt or sour what time he has left. I didnt tell my friends or my own family, as i don't think i could deal with their judgements and know any negativity would make R harder for me. We have had IC and MC and this site has been a godsend but it's all such a struggle.

Drowninginitall posted 10/21/2013 11:48 AM

So far the only people in my life that know are my my in-laws. I have no problem with what they know if we decide to work it out or if we divorce. I decided not to tell anyone else because I Didn't want them knowing details until I knew what would happen with our marriage.

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