I posted here before about my struggle on how I was going to handle the birth of our second child so close to this terrible event. Well, due to the impossible to handle amount of stress, I was put on antidepressants almost two weeks ago, saw a prenatal psychologist on an emergency consult twice, but still went into labor a little early.
Labor went better than I could have anticipated. Though at the early stage I started to feel slightly resentful and angry that I was going through this amazing life changing experience for our family when less than two months ago he had that experience that was also life changing, but in such an ugly and disgusting way for our family. Thankfully my focus centered on the labor as I progressed and was able to trust and rely on him to help me through a pretty quick and completely natural birth. Labor was five hours from start to finish, and actually we almost didn't make it into the delivery room in time - the hospital wouldn't even admit me until 20 minutes before the baby was born. The nurse didn't even have time to put in my IV before I was pushing. The pain and adrenaline were incredible, and thankfully I felt like he did what I needed him to so I could get through it.
However, my feelings of inadequacy resurfaced within minutes of the birth. I felt so exposed and was too aware of how my body and the immediate after birth situation were not visually appealing. I wonder if I will always feel a little bitter about this. Instead of being overwhelmed with feeling proud and accomplished and strong, I felt embarrassed and sad and concerned about how I looked instead of what just happened.
I can't believe where my thoughts were: instead of on the baby they were on my husband's infidelity. I kept thinking that the reality is that my husband chose this woman as a sexual partner. I feel so discouraged, like the current state of my body and "motherhood" brings me even further away from this ideal sex partner. I found myself evaluating my body and how it relates to the birth and support of the baby - and how it wouldn't compare to what he chose. I want to love how I look and feel after the birth of this second beautiful child, but now I am poisoned - why am I finding this experience so unfulfilling knowing that he chose to seek out enjoyment in something so contrary to what our life is today. I am actually comparing myself to this woman and not feeling like I am able to be what he wants.
We are home from the hospital now, and while I can get things done and take care of my two children well and go on mostly normally (thanks Celexa!), I feel that my marriage and R are at a standstill. I know it's soon, but I am so repulsed by his attempts at physical affection - we haven't even kissed since the infidelity, and the couple of times I tried to be intimate (shower together, laying in bed cuddling) have been major triggers for me, retraumatizing me and I think have set me much further back on my way to recovery.
I don't know how to move forward. He's in IC and I'm just not sure I'm ready for MC, he needs to find out why this (and everything before it) happened and I have to feel at least some reassurance that our marriage is worth saving before I feel MC would be worth it.