Oh yeah, this was me for at least that entire first year. I have never been an indecisive person; so this back and forth simply drove me crazy. Some days I was sure I was leaving, by lunch time, I was staying, by dinner I was ready to pack my bags again. I can see now that this was just part of it; part of accepting something that seems really unacceptable.
I believe that the cruelty she showed to you during her affair is making this harder for you. Every WS in one way or another treats their BS like shit while the affair is going on. Some say it is because they feel guilty and that we are a reminder of what a heel they are being. Others say it is how they can give their selves permission to continue the affair, they find fault with us, they rewrite the marital history so that somehow, leaving you in a hospital bed in pain is acceptable because "you" deserved it.
No matter why they did it, it still hurts. Sometimes more than the cheap affair, more than the lying right to our faces. Once you begin to think about how she treated you during that time, you become angry at yourself for "staying with someone who treated me so badly." This is very understandable and where this whole rollercoaster ride begins.
Sometime after DD#2, we were having an argument. I told him that there were two things that I would never forgive him for in connection with the affair. One, that he would risk our daughter's happiness and security for such a low class piece of ass. And the second, well I can't frickin remember! Something I was sure I would NEVER forgive him for and not four years later and I cannot remember!
I guess what I am trying to say Whyme is that your feelings at this time are perfectly normal and with time will pass. I finally set up some things like my own bank account, $500 cash, and a personal credit card. If I had to leave, then I could. I allowed myself to stop thinking about the future and just took it one day at a time. I stopped torturing MYSELF. You are going to be ok, I still get mad when I think about things he did during the affair, but now I realize that he is not that same person today. And frankly, neither am I.
[This message edited by TheClimb at 7:19 PM, October 20th (Sunday)]