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How long before I should know what to do!!

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whyme1525 posted 10/20/2013 17:56 PM

It's been 8 weeks since D-day. well then of course we had some tt so it more recent then that since ive found out everything. That's if I know everything now!! Im still undecided if Iwant to R or just walk away every day I feel differently. A little background my ww had a 1 1/2 year pa with a co worker in wich she lost her job for. At the time she decided to start the affair I was just beginning recovery from a major surgery. So anyway I knew something was going on the entire time and confronted her on a daily basis and she just lied and kept doing it didn't matter what I or anyone said she basically wasn't going to stop so anyway I had another major surgery on june 20 of this year and come to.find out my ww left me in the recovery room so she could meet the og in my house and have the pa in my bed and worse then that is I called her while he was here practically in tears from pain asking her to please come back to the hospital granted it was 11pm but she rushed me off the phone and then ignored future text and calls from me that night cause she was busy the entire night then she comes to the hospital the next morning complaining that she was up all night cause of me.. approximately 2 months later she comes she comes home from work one day and tells me she got fired and gives a really lame excuse it was then that I began tracking her cell phone and sure enough even getting fired from her job for.doing it in the office she doesn't stop I catch her sexting this guy and that was D-day August 20, 2013. Since then she says she wants to R and that it took me waking her up from a sound sleep and telling her to pack.your bags and get out made her realize that she wanted me and can't believe what she did but of course has no reason to.why she started and wouldn't stop. Since then she has had nc with the og and has started ic on her own we have also seen a mc 3 times.. For me I keep going back and fourth one day I say ill.try to r but then I think of everything she did and the timing of it and I say im I fu__king crazy I wonder if she is even really sorry or is she just sorry she got caught and how caould she really just forgot about this ass after.a 1 1/2 year ea and pa.. Im just so lost and confused!!!!!!!!!!

Truly posted 10/20/2013 18:12 PM

Sending you hugs (((((whyme)))))

What a horrible series of events. I'm so sorry you've had to join us here.
After eight weeks you are completely allowed to not know what to do.
I will shamefully admit that I still don't know what to do...and it's been a while...

Glad you're seeking help, clarity will hopefully come with time.
I don't know how that can apparently forget someone from a long term affair so very quickly, it's one of the things that still makes me feel hollow inside.
They loved them, but can forget them with a NC letter?! Doesn't make sense in MY heart

SerJR posted 10/20/2013 18:53 PM

Hello brother...

Building trust is like climbing up a ladder - every time a new truth surfaces, it knocks you down and have have to start again.

It's normal to be bouncing all over the place emotionally. It's a lot of emotions to process. If you can continue to work on yourself and your healing though, you will find that your heart and your head will eventually align as you regain control over your life. You will know, when you know that in 10 years time you will be able to look back at your decision with confidence and know that you have kept your integrity.

If your WW has committed to the marriage, you will know it through demonstrated consistency of her action, and her taking charge of her choices.

Hang in there brother - it will get better.

TheClimb posted 10/20/2013 19:13 PM

Oh yeah, this was me for at least that entire first year. I have never been an indecisive person; so this back and forth simply drove me crazy. Some days I was sure I was leaving, by lunch time, I was staying, by dinner I was ready to pack my bags again. I can see now that this was just part of it; part of accepting something that seems really unacceptable.

I believe that the cruelty she showed to you during her affair is making this harder for you. Every WS in one way or another treats their BS like shit while the affair is going on. Some say it is because they feel guilty and that we are a reminder of what a heel they are being. Others say it is how they can give their selves permission to continue the affair, they find fault with us, they rewrite the marital history so that somehow, leaving you in a hospital bed in pain is acceptable because "you" deserved it.

No matter why they did it, it still hurts. Sometimes more than the cheap affair, more than the lying right to our faces. Once you begin to think about how she treated you during that time, you become angry at yourself for "staying with someone who treated me so badly." This is very understandable and where this whole rollercoaster ride begins.

Sometime after DD#2, we were having an argument. I told him that there were two things that I would never forgive him for in connection with the affair. One, that he would risk our daughter's happiness and security for such a low class piece of ass. And the second, well I can't frickin remember! Something I was sure I would NEVER forgive him for and not four years later and I cannot remember!

I guess what I am trying to say Whyme is that your feelings at this time are perfectly normal and with time will pass. I finally set up some things like my own bank account, $500 cash, and a personal credit card. If I had to leave, then I could. I allowed myself to stop thinking about the future and just took it one day at a time. I stopped torturing MYSELF. You are going to be ok, I still get mad when I think about things he did during the affair, but now I realize that he is not that same person today. And frankly, neither am I.

[This message edited by TheClimb at 7:19 PM, October 20th (Sunday)]

OK now posted 10/20/2013 19:20 PM

She has a nice comfortable marriage, sound finances, she probably doesn't want to live alone and lose her material possessions, maybe future pension assets. Also the divorce will expose her adultery for friends and family to see.

She doesn't have any respect for you as made evident by her sex in your bed while you were in hospital. If you can live in a relationship with a woman who puts little value on you, but values her marriage, then you need to reconcile.

To me I would need respect and trust to rebuild, so if children weren't involved I would be gone.

topperoff22 posted 10/20/2013 20:11 PM

I can NOT imagine someone being so cold as to do that to you!

I don't know her side or what was actually going on, but it would be so hard for me to recover from that!

whyme1525 posted 10/20/2013 21:38 PM

topperoff that's my issue I really don't think I will.ever get over it. she is also a member on here her name is another chance might be one word.. you.can see what she wrote her story is but it's pretty nuch the same as I said...

Drowninginitall posted 10/21/2013 11:07 AM

I'm so sorry for what she has done to you. I agree there's no timeline on when you will know what to do. Transparency consistency and honesty are a must from her if she is going to work through this with you. My wish for you is some peace and clarity as you work this out for yourself. You have found the right place to do it here.

OnAnIsland posted 10/21/2013 11:49 AM

You don't have to know now or make any big decisions now. Gather information, start healing yourself physically and emotionally.

Watch her. See her how she behaves over time.

Maybe this is a deal breaker for you, maybe not. Give yourself time. I initially gave myself 6 months. My WH was really slow to get with the program. I worked on myself, and watched to see if he would come along and whether I wanted him in my journey.

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