What a horrible series of events. I'm so sorry you've had to join us here.
After eight weeks you are completely allowed to not know what to do.
I will shamefully admit that I still don't know what to do...and it's been a while...
Glad you're seeking help, clarity will hopefully come with time.
I don't know how that can apparently forget someone from a long term affair so very quickly, it's one of the things that still makes me feel hollow inside.
They loved them, but can forget them with a NC letter?! Doesn't make sense in MY heart
Building trust is like climbing up a ladder - every time a new truth surfaces, it knocks you down and have have to start again.
It's normal to be bouncing all over the place emotionally. It's a lot of emotions to process. If you can continue to work on yourself and your healing though, you will find that your heart and your head will eventually align as you regain control over your life. You will know, when you know that in 10 years time you will be able to look back at your decision with confidence and know that you have kept your integrity.
If your WW has committed to the marriage, you will know it through demonstrated consistency of her action, and her taking charge of her choices.
Hang in there brother - it will get better.
I believe that the cruelty she showed to you during her affair is making this harder for you. Every WS in one way or another treats their BS like shit while the affair is going on. Some say it is because they feel guilty and that we are a reminder of what a heel they are being. Others say it is how they can give their selves permission to continue the affair, they find fault with us, they rewrite the marital history so that somehow, leaving you in a hospital bed in pain is acceptable because "you" deserved it.
No matter why they did it, it still hurts. Sometimes more than the cheap affair, more than the lying right to our faces. Once you begin to think about how she treated you during that time, you become angry at yourself for "staying with someone who treated me so badly." This is very understandable and where this whole rollercoaster ride begins.
Sometime after DD#2, we were having an argument. I told him that there were two things that I would never forgive him for in connection with the affair. One, that he would risk our daughter's happiness and security for such a low class piece of ass. And the second, well I can't frickin remember! Something I was sure I would NEVER forgive him for and not four years later and I cannot remember!
I guess what I am trying to say Whyme is that your feelings at this time are perfectly normal and with time will pass. I finally set up some things like my own bank account, $500 cash, and a personal credit card. If I had to leave, then I could. I allowed myself to stop thinking about the future and just took it one day at a time. I stopped torturing MYSELF. You are going to be ok, I still get mad when I think about things he did during the affair, but now I realize that he is not that same person today. And frankly, neither am I.
[This message edited by TheClimb at 7:19 PM, October 20th (Sunday)]
She doesn't have any respect for you as made evident by her sex in your bed while you were in hospital. If you can live in a relationship with a woman who puts little value on you, but values her marriage, then you need to reconcile.
To me I would need respect and trust to rebuild, so if children weren't involved I would be gone.
I don't know her side or what was actually going on, but it would be so hard for me to recover from that!
Watch her. See her how she behaves over time.
Maybe this is a deal breaker for you, maybe not. Give yourself time. I initially gave myself 6 months. My WH was really slow to get with the program. I worked on myself, and watched to see if he would come along and whether I wanted him in my journey.
Married for over 15 years
2 beautiful boys in elementary school
You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them. Maya Angelou