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I think I've hit the anger stage

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Tripletrouble posted 10/20/2013 18:46 PM

Aside from putting a wing on my therapist's house and running a lot, I'm not sure how to process all this anger. I'm so, so angry that he broke our family, broke my kids, broke my finances, and today I am so very pissed that he ruined me on what a normal, healthy relationship looks like. It wasn't just the betrayal of infidelity, but learning that I was married to someone capable of the things he was doing. I was sleeping next to a stranger. When in the 20 years did he go off the rails? How on earth would I ever trust anyone again? Who could ever love me with so much baggage? He stole my past, my present, my future. I am so filled with rage that he put his junk ahead of the well being of our entire family - including the mental health of my children and me, forever. Just needed to get that off my chest tonight.

FaithFool posted 10/20/2013 18:54 PM

Timeline is about right. It hit me at 6 months and was also a 20+ year marriage. He started roaming about 2 years in.

It's maddening.

His last GF labelled me naive and stupid for not knowing what was going on. That pissed me off more than anything.

Five years down the line, happy on my own and I've managed to forgive, partly due to his extreme remorse and willingness to pay me alimony and home equity to compensate for putting my life on the line all those years.

Will never forget though.

Big hugs. There can be peace to be found on the other side. Just take the time to acknowledge and process your emotions. This shit is hard.

jemimapd posted 10/20/2013 19:20 PM

Triple I always read your posts because we are at the same stage. I had an awful day today. I do think Sundays are the worst! We are stuck in this in-house separation and it is just torture. I am managing not to engage much but WH is very pouty and passive-aggressive (pathetic little things like leaving his plate on the counter for me to put in the dishwasher).
Today he whined that I was in control. Yeah, how does it feel? WH was in the ultimate controlling position for God knows how many years because he was the only one who knew what was really going on in our marriage.
His selfishness overwhelms me. It makes me so angry that I was giving 100% to the marriage while he was chasing women. He has never even had enough respect for me to tell me the truth.
He presented himself as a completely different person to the one he really was.
Now his focus seems to 100% on the finances and where he will be living. It's all poor me. He has never even said he will miss me. He will miss his cook/housekeeper though.

angerisme posted 10/20/2013 20:02 PM

Wow...I could have written your post. OFten my anger is more about what has been lost due to his pathetic, weak sexual bs than any loss of idealistic love. I feel resentful that I am married to a man that I now look at as a weak, weird pathetic creep.

I am in firm control of the trajectory of my life. I am divorcing; however, it is happening in my own time. I am preparing methodically so that when I leave it shall be him hanging out on a limb and not I.

You do the same. Start thinking about yourself. Prepare for that new job or promotion that you really really want. Start working on developing your skills or planning your dream vacation and quit worrying about his idiot crap. LOVE YOURSELF FIRST!

womaninflux posted 10/20/2013 20:12 PM

I agree with Angerisme. Invest in yourself! The more you have going on in your personal life (be selfish for a change!), the less you will think about what is going on, the less you will ask what if/why/etc. , the less you will have time to think about his asshole ways. I am 7 months out...I think I advanced to the anger stage at about 2 months. PURE RAGE off and on from May - August. Now I am feeling unbelievably peaceful but in the back of my mind, I am thinking "When is the other shoe going to drop?" So I hope it doesn't...I am finally starting to have some consistent good feelings with my H. I hope you will arrive here soon, too!

Tripletrouble posted 10/20/2013 20:49 PM

Thanks for all the responses - I really needed to feel support tonight from those who get it. FF - thank you for a hopeful picture of the future. JPD - yes, we have so much in common! And Anger and Flux, it's always helpful to hear I have permission to take care of myself first. Let's face it, we usually put our own needs last in the family. I do have some things I am thankful for - a decent job in my field and a hobby I love, and I can continue to focus there.

After I posted, I put my finger on another source of my rage. I have a teenage daughter that is ridiculously beautiful. She draws stares wherever she goes. Now her father has modeled that women of value (her smart,athletic, accomplished mother) are second to trashy women who are worth nothing to a man except the sum of her body parts. I have spent her whole life raising her to value her virtue, integrity, kindness, and substance. I have modeled what class looks like. I have made our home and my car a bully/gossip free zone, and interrupt any negative talk I hear amongst her friends about other girls. I coached Girls on the Run, which promotes self esteem through running while teaching them to ignore society's messages about beauty. So what does her father do? Get on a hook up website and start collecting trashy women. WTF??? Really??? I feel like he undid all I worked to do.

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