Part of me feels like I should accept and expect that he wanted to protect our friends from being blamed, and preserve those friendships (I am friends with their wives) in case we get through it.
For those who have been here, is a lie a lie? Or should I accept this? Am I being unrealistic and expecting too much change too soon?
Almost ONS actual sex never took place
Currently in R and doing great.
I knew pretty much immediately that I would fight for my marriage, but everyone is different and it is perfectly normal not to know.
Just because it is normal does not mean you have to accept it. That is completely your decision. Many people here say that it is not the affair that kills the M it is the lies that come after.
I personally received 10 month of TT until the whole truth came out. Even since then there have been a few times I have caught her non A related lies. Old habits die hard. Change takes a lot of time and work.
To answer your question....I knew that if she committed to the work that R would be possible. I believed in the process. For us R has been a very positive experience but it took a leap of faith that she would do the work.
We had a year of false recovery, a second epic Dday and more trickle truth for 3 months.
Finally 6 months after Dday 2 and three months after getting his head out of his ass and getting serious about reconciling, that's when I knew. He had to prove he wanted it though.
Former 80s Icon wishful thinking
I want so badly to get beyond this and trust him. It's just so hard with TT... One day he's totally calm and open to questions and the next angry and mean. I just don't know whether its worth the gamble... I want it to be. But I don't want to look back 10 yrs from now and regret staying.
I know he's trying to change long term, patterned behaviour. I am trying to be reasonable and patient...but it is so hard to know what the right move is. And I haven't told anyone what is really going on, because then it would be over.
I just wish I knew what I could accept and live with.
I set a bunch of rules and committed to a year. I completely expected, and honestly hoped, she would fail so I could leave with a clear conscience.
She almost did. At 10 months she got her shit together and we have both been healing ever since. I'm glad I stayed.
It took us a long time.
I wanted to, but my wife was very broken.
21 months into it I walked out. I came back later that day, took off my ring, told her she could go, or stay, but I was never to be treated like she treated me that day again, and I wasn't leaving my kids and my house because of her actions or lack thereof. It took 6 months of counseling to get back on track, and she had to own her shit.
There is nothing that compares to how hard this is.
Then d-day out of the blue when I found old e-mails. Without those wonderful months together with the poisonous relationship out of our lives I don't think we'd still be together. Also, despite some TT, I could see my H was devastated at the damage he had caused both myself and the fAP's H, and was prepared to do anything and everything to repair the damage.
So it was definitly worth trying to R, and although not always easy, I'm glad we have.
One of the most difficult things for a WS to accept is the damage continual lying has on R. It took a long time for fWH to get this, the usual excuse is "not wanting to hurt you any more". But it's important they do finally get this and let you make your own decisions based on what you know. If you chose to continue friendships or not based on the truth then he should respect this. Nobody else knew about my H's LTA apart from one of his old friends up country, and I've told him he will not be welcome in my house.
I told him last night I loved him but I didn't like my life. I guess my life is mine to make it. But I cannot stop thinking negatively about him and that's not fair to him. I'm trying!!
The biggest thing for me, though, was that from the moment I decided to confront her about the affair I knew I was going to be alright. Whether R worked or not, I was going to be alright.
So when I went into the confrontation, I didn't have existential fears about the future, but just practical ones.
On a more pragmatic note, I had (more or less) all of the information ahead of time. I didn't know exact times of day for her trysts, but I did know what day and what general part of the day that things had gone one. I knew to within a couple weeks when the affair had started, and when interest had started. While computer savvy, she's not particularly security savvy, so once I suspected I had access to all of her accounts and computers. That helped a lot.
So when we talked, I said that I'd seen some IMs between my wife and the OM that I wasn't comfortable with, and let her do almost all of the talking.
She didn't leave anything out from what I knew, or try to talk around what had happened. That's how I knew that if we weren't going to reconcile, we'd make a darn good attempt at it.
Also, I read Shilrey Glass (NOT "Just Friends") who wrote, IIRC, that 20% of the couples in which both partners desired to R failed to R, which meant 80% succeeded. So Glass and our MC said R was a good bet.
I worked on R from the beginning, but I didn't commit to R until I watched my W for 90 days. R might have been easier if I had waited longer before committing.
He came around and has done everything right, we didnt commit to R until 5 months after dday.
This for me
They didn't know all the details- but knew he had something on the side and with who
is a painful fallout of an A. They knew and didn't tell. I bet some of the wives knew too, something.
Anyone that knew about the A and kept quiet are no longer in our circle of friends.
We had to let go of people that would be ok with secrets that would harm us. "Friends" that cared so little about our well-being? No way, they should have slapped the shit out of him and come straight to me.
It hurt, but we found a new circle of friends, ones that nurture their relationships, respect their spouses and do what is good for their marriage.
We went through a lot of "self healing" before we tried to heal the marriage. It is much easier to navigate with a clear head and the initial IC helped us get there. The path to R, when we were ready, was clear then and we didn't question our direction.
ETA: I let the so-called friends know why we were no longer in contact. I had a few come to me after dday acting all concerned...like they didnt know what to do. I let them know I understood, that they made their choice and now we had to choose what was best for us. Got a few dropped jaws, but that was ok, I was trying to save my family.
[This message edited by karmahappens at 10:44 PM, October 21st (Monday)]
It really wasn't until I worked through the shock, the pain and then the anger that I started to believe we could R....and that wasn't for almost a year.
So be kind to yourself and take good care of yourself. Your WS actions and your own feelings, over time, will let you know whether R is possible or not. For some infidelity is a deal breaker and others, it is not.