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Antiversary Weekend #1...nothing from WS?

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Crushed18 posted 10/20/2013 19:36 PM

So, here I am on the exact day last year that my FWS had sex with his LTA partner for the first time. He is away this weekend traveling for work. We both acknowledged what this weekend was.

So, I can't understand why he wouldn't leave me a card, an apology letter, some flowers or just anything while he's away this weekend. I brought it up to him over the phone yesterday and he said, "he didn't say sorry or bring it up b/c he didn't want to cause me anymore hurt. And it makes me very and and leads to us fighting about everything.

Here's what happened last year: He had flown to the east coast to give his mother away at her wedding. It was supposed to be a weekend of family, friends and her re- marriage.The kids and I didn't go because of obligations at home.

Long story short,FWS led me to believe his best friend was picking him up from airport(his A partner picked him up). They went to dinner (yes, he spent our money to feed her). They went and made out in her car after dinner and then she drove him to his aunt's house.

The next day, after the wedding was over, he drives to her place and eats a meal she cooked. He drives them both to a college football game (my favorite college team vs. his alma mater). I'm told he and his best friend are attending the game together. He was with her at least some of the time during the game. After the game, they got something to eat, went back to her place and had sex for the first time. He flew back home the next day, talking and acting like everything was normal.

Today is THAT DAY! Its my MILs 1 year Anniversary AND my 1 year Antiversary. Kind of bittersweet. Very happy for my MIL, but extremely sad for myself. Despite, my FWH explanation of why he didn't do anything ot acknowledge it w/a kind gesture...I'm hurt by his inaction and near silence.

This weekend is one of many antiversary dates. The next few weekends as well. Plus dates w/ other women as well. I feel very taken for granted, disrespected and disregarded.

Just sad and heartbroken all over again that he did nothing.

KBeguile posted 10/20/2013 19:50 PM

I know it's just my opinion, but I agree with you: if he were truly remorseful and wanting to show you a better side of himself, he would have gone out of his way to show you that he remembered the date and knew it would be painful for you, doing something extra to soften the blow. As he did not, and as he "claimed" that it was "to spare your feelings" (How can he possibly know your feelings when he didn't think of you in the first place a year ago?!?!), then I'm more suspicious than not.

I don't have any other advice, because I plan on acknowledging my Antiversary. I want to show how I've improved in my thoughtfulness of my BS and in how I handle difficult situations.

ShatteredLove00 posted 10/20/2013 20:08 PM

This is an interesting idea. I knew the date would be hard, but I hadn't thought of how it would be acknowledged. I wonder if my WS would do or say something. Even though I feel like he's been "doing" most things right, sometimes I feel his true attitude hasn't changed that much and he's just doing what he knows I want him to do?

Joanh posted 10/20/2013 21:29 PM

My situation. We are in the antiversary time. My BH Birth and our 15 year anniversary. falls on our antiversary!
WE have been discussing it for about 2 months before. I was said to me that it was easier for him not to think about it and not to dwell on it. And that when we do it makes its more in the fore front of his mind. He did not want to have it more than a passing as in it being just another day the year.
Did you discuss what this meant to you, had you told him or made it known to him that you didn't want it to just pass by.
I know I wrote a card and sent it to work with my BH scared out out of my mind to do that, cause he works away. And I hate it if it upsetting, especially at work.
It was just a simple I love you. It was not given on the anti date. Has he perhaps done this? or shown you extra love before he left.
I do think your WH should at least acknowledge it , and it sounds like you both did. I'm just wondering if something your two discussion might have made him think he had acknowledge it enough.? Just a thought.
I know for myself , I am never sure when I have said to much or to little, to soon or to late. Nothing ever seems to be the right thing.
Just a thought.
I do think it does need to be acknowledge though.

SI Staff posted 10/21/2013 06:40 AM


SecondHelping posted 10/21/2013 07:21 AM

My fWW didn't acknowledge our Anti-versary either (even printed out a copy of one of my posts with the dates). She knew it was the season, but just completly ignored it unless I brough it up. It hurt like hell!

I kept telling her we needed to do something special to take my thoughts away but in the end I was ignored and just went to work on the 3 un-special days. Luckily, I'm really busy and it took my mind off of it.

I don't know if it was rugsweeping or just fear of facing what she did that kept her from even acknowleding it. She's now loving and sometimes says she's sorry, but ingnoring the antiversay was the some of the worst pain I've felt in about 6-8 months.

[This message edited by SecondHelping at 7:22 AM, October 21st (Monday)]

heforgot posted 10/21/2013 07:47 AM

OK Maybe I'm the odd one here. If my FWH acknowledged his A in ANY way on the "anniversary", I would have walked out on him. Why would you want to make that a special memory? Make new memories of your own and let this day pass just as any other day. I'm pretty sure neither of you wants to relive the experience of the A and DDay. IMHO it would just prolong the healing.

Crushed18 posted 10/21/2013 09:26 AM

I wasn't asking my FWH to acknowledge the Antiversary date to remind me of what he did. But, to let me know he was mindful of the pain I would be feeling and that the weekend would be difficult for me without him here.

A simple card or letter would have given me something nice to focus on to help offset the painful memories of last year.

If he says he wants to reconcile with me and I tell him what I need and he doesn't do it...then how do I believe his words?

heforgot posted 10/21/2013 10:58 AM

I hope I didn't come off wrong. I would be hurt if he acknowledged the anniversary. But everyone heals differently. If that's what you needed to heal in your own way, then he definately should have done it. If he really wants R he should be willing to do whatever it takes.

Crushed18 posted 10/21/2013 11:19 AM

Thanks for understanding! We're each trying to deal with this madness in our own way and own time. I truly appreciate having SI as a resource.I have no family on the westcoast and a couple of friends. So, just doing my best to stay strong, focus onmy grad school work and care for our 3 kids. Hugs to all of us!

tushnurse posted 10/21/2013 11:53 AM

I peronally viewed my Antiversary to be Dday, that was when I finally had my proof and we got it all out in the open.

That said on the first Anti I wanted to celebrate that day. I wanted him to make a big damn deal about it. Without that day he was destined to end up divorced, because I was done dealing with his hateful ass, and always being wrong. So I wanted to celebrate the fact that on that day we had infact been given an opportunity to renew our relationship, and save our M. It was kinda a fresh start feeling.

But knowing my spouse (a man that doesn't even remember his own birthday) I knew he would have no clue that it was near, or what I wanted. So I told him about a month before when it was and what my expectations were, I wrote them out even, so he couldn't say oh I forgot, or couldn't remember when. I gave it to him, and told him I wanted to be Queen for a day that day. He didn't disappoint, on year 2 I didn't warn him it was upcoming, and took him out to dinner, and that was when I shared the fact that I forgave him. It was also very special. Year 3 and 4 was mentioned in passing, and this year, we discussed it was 5 years about 3 weeks prior to dday, and that was enough for me. IT NO LONGER MATTERS....We have healed, and we are happy.

My point is this, unless you specifically stated what your expectations were then I think you can't blame him 100%. Yah I get being disappointed since you had discussed prior, and you weren't together that day, but if you didn't specifically communicate that you wanted some sort of action from him to inidicate that he knew you were hurting on said day then I can see why he wouldn't do or say something. Who wants to pick at another persons wound when you know it's going to cause them pain.

((((and strength))))

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