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Second Worst Day

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RavenWood posted 10/20/2013 19:39 PM

This is the second worst day of my life. Today is the day I listed our home for sale.

We bought this house 3 years ago to accommodate our growing family. I put blood, sweat, and money into it to turn it into our home.

This is the place that my children, who are under 5, call home. The place they sleep, the place they play, the place they feel safe.

I love this home. I - love - this - home. I am so damn attached to this home!!
This puts the final nail in the coffin - all of my dreams have officially been crushed.

Unfortunately neither of us can afford to keep it on our own.

And so while my STBXW sits in her appartment, running off with some other guy, waiting for her check to come in from the sale, I am the one who is here cleaning and preparing the place for it's showings. It's just like digging your own grave.

I don't know how I've made it this far, through all of the emotional bullshit of her affair and through the process of divorce. I just hope I can make it through this... and then find another home (smaller and cheaper) for just me and my kids.

So many fears - will this place sell? will my new home be good? will the new school district limit my children's opportunities in life?

Good bye hopes and dreams. There had _really_ better be a rainbow skittle shitting unicorn for me too at the end of all of this.

Bebba1171 posted 10/20/2013 19:58 PM

Sorry for your situation brother.

I know it sounds cliche but:

1) It is not the size of the home, it is the love inside the home. I have heard over and over stories where people said the happiest times in their lives were when they were scraping by.

2) Education for your kids starts at home. Your kids will learn from your love and kindness.

I walk most mornings I am home with a buddy who's first wife abandoned him for another guy and ran off - leaving him with two young kids.

He was totally devastated by it and had to change everything to get by without her.

The two kids are grown now and both turned out great and their love and respect for him is very apparent. I see them when they are in town and they are great kids.

You are 20 years younger than this old fool posting this reply. You have many years ahead of you to recover personally and find someone better.

I don't want to belittle the pain you are going through. I went through a lot of it myself. Just a little over a year after my dear father died, my wife became very distant and I soon discovered why.

People here will help you through this. Please focus on your health and your kids.

I am in fairly good shape and had to go on blood pressure medicine, anti-depressants, sleeping pills and even my testosterone hit rock bottom.

I have rebounded very well thanks to the love and support of many and so will you.

Focus on your tasks at hand and try your best to control your thoughts. When you start feeling sorry for yourself, think about three things you are happy about.

Be thankful for your great kids, your other family, your friends, good health, hopefully a good job, etc.

Things could be a lot worse.

There are a number of women on this forum that have been abandoned during their pregnancies. They have other kids to take care of and no job. They face tremendous financial pressure.

That is rock bottom....

Please trust me. Things will get better...

lifestoshort posted 10/20/2013 20:03 PM

no way you can refinance? you cant cut bills? you cant forgo cable or a nicer car?
my house is a big thing to me, so I made sure to refi, let go of things I did not need that could bring in income to pay for an extra month of mortgage or what have you.
I made it work to stay for stability for me and kids... and sanity. it was expensive for me the first yr but now, after refinancing after divorce, and no equity to give ex, I can do it. its cheaper than rent. my payment per month dropped nearly $300 a month which is a car payment to me.

even if you can file bankruptcy (if your debt is the issue to not afford home) and keep house by reaffirming it, I would do it.

check into David Ramsey to see if you can budget it or how to get a lower monthly payment

[This message edited by lifestoshort at 8:04 PM, October 20th (Sunday)]

PurpleRose posted 10/20/2013 23:16 PM

I get wanting to remain in your home. I was in the same place you are-- adamant that I was not leaving. It was best for me and for the kids to stay in the only home they had known.

The Doosh was, well a complete Doosh about it. He didn't care about the kids bent so upset about us not staying, leaving their friends and schools.. We don't have any family in this state, the state HE insisted we move to 7 years ago. All we have are the great friends and neighbors in our community.

And, like you, I wasn't going to be able to afford the house alone. I couldn't even refinance in my own name if I had wanted to because I just re-entered the workforce thank you WS.

As soon as I came to terms with reality, understood that what really was best was for me and my kids to be in a place we could live comfortably, and let go of the stubborn dream of keeping that house everything fell into place.

It was not easy to let go of all that. I stuck it out for almost 2 years. But in the end the Doosh wanted his half of the house and I needed to be DONE with him- and that meant letting the house go on the market.

It was freeing. I am now in a smaller home that I adore, my daughter loves it and my son is ok with it. I was able to stay in our neighborhood so the kids didn't have to switch schools even.

Most of all.. This house is all mine. The Doosh has never and will never contaminate my home with his lies, manipulations, evil madness or his COW. He is living in a crappy rental in a crapy part of town. Poor baby.

Let go of the old dream, the one that included your WS. Only then will you be able to see the new dream!

Iamhappytoday posted 10/20/2013 23:47 PM

I don't really have any words of wisdom, but I'm sorry for the pain you feel.
But you don't need a rainbow shitting unicorn, you just need an authentic human being capable of great love and understanding of boundaries. I'd never even think it were possible, except after my mom cheated on my dad he married my step-mom, and they have been together over thirty years. And let me tell you, my mom, I love her, but she broke my dad. Just broke him.
And he is in a marriage more fulfilling than his wildest expectations. I can say, it's the only reason I have hope.
Don't get me wrong, I love my mom, but she has paid a severe price for cheating, and so have all of us as her kids. When she learned of my spouse cheating she admitted wishing she hadn't cheated on my dad and had worked on he marriage. In an odd way she feels responsible for what I am dealing with now.
Sorry about rambling. I just mean to say that losing something valuable may open you up to a greater gift. I hope so, anyway.

Hugs to you.

[This message edited by Iamhappytoday at 11:47 PM, October 20th (Sunday)]

RavenWood posted 10/21/2013 06:14 AM

Thanks everyone. Refinance is out of the question, we just did that a year ago. So doing it again wouldn't get me any savings. And I'd have to buy her half out with money I don't have, so a refinance to get her the paycheck she is expecting would break me, assuming a bank would even approve the loan.

I too am looking forward to having my own place, somewhere I am in control. I just wish it were this place, rather than starting all over.
If nothing else, once this place sells, the light at the end becomes a little brighter. Just one more step forward to freedom from this crazy mess.

But logic and emotions are not connected. For the first time since DDAY I had a hard time sleeping last night, and my appetite has gone out the window again.

Just have to pull through... I did it on DDAY, I can do it again.

Thefly559 posted 10/21/2013 08:47 AM

brother I feel the pain and I dread that day myself because it is coming for me also. I am sorry man try to stay strong , look at how far you have come ! stay positive in thoughts. The kids will be fine , they often bounce back better than us. I am with you in this boat and it sucks!

Gemini71 posted 10/21/2013 09:18 AM

I completely understand. STBX and I were barely making ends meet before D-Day and S. Now the money that was meant for our Mortgage is going towards his rent. I'm a SAHM and there's no way I can get a job that will pay enough to cover the payments, but I'm trying anyway. We are underwater in our mortgage, so selling the house won't give anyone a paycheck.

So now I'm basically calculating how long it'll take the bank to foreclose vs. how long we have until the end of the school year. Then the kids and I will be moving in with my parents. (Just what I wanted, to lose my M and my independence.)

Loosing the marital home is just another nail in the coffin of the M. Take time to mourn, then move on. Better things are in store for all of us, but I expect more than a rainbow skittle shitting unicorn.

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