Topic: What is rock bottom?
Member # 39901
| Posted: 9:01 PM, October 20th (Sunday), 2013|
I was just reading other posts on this site and there is some discussion regarding hit rock bottom.
I understand the concept and it makes sense. What I wonder about is for those men (or women) who cheat and move on - what is their rock bottom?
I don't see that much suffering for those who are capable of dumping one family and starting another... maybe just the fact that they are able to do that to begin with they don't feel the same pain at having done it or suffering of consequences? They find a new wife/husband, maybe have more children... meanwhile, those left behind pick up the pieces. Are they getting too much credit when we assume that they even have a "rock bottom?"
I apologize if this a bit of a rambling email...kind of throwing a thought out there.
Posts: 138 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: NW
Member # 39169
| Posted: 9:14 PM, October 20th (Sunday), 2013|
An interesting question...I suppose it depends on if they go start a new life with their AP. if it was meaningless and they are thrown out of the marital home to go live alone, I would think that would be rock bottom, especially if there are kids they only get a few days a month. If there was an AP they go start over with, rock bottom comes when that doomed relationship goes belly up as soon as it is faced with the normal hardships of a real relationship. Now wayward has to face they threw away a family for something stupid. I like to think the timing may be different, but they all have to hit it.
40 somethings - me BW after 20 years
D Day April 2013
Divorced November 2013
Be happy with what you have while you work for what you want - Hellen Keller
Posts: 638 | Registered: May 2013
Member # 38458
| Posted: 12:48 AM, October 21st (Monday), 2013|
I think for some WS "rock bottom" is lower than a functional person could imagine. My ex tossed his family like garbage *thinking* that he was going to start a new life with OW. In reality as soon as I kicked my ex out his ass was on his own.
At the time we owned our own home and for months he was homeless and living in a hotel quickly maxing out his credit card on random junk and living off of fast food. Sounds close to bottom to me but apparently not to the stubborn mule I married. He now lives in a tiny, overpriced apartment totally alone. The temporary "friends" during the affair, like the OW, are long gone. You can count on your fingers how many HOURS he spends with his children a *month*, he has no money, he is up to his eyeballs in debt and his health is poor (according to him so that part could be truth or a ploy for pity).
His life is TRAGIC.
Is that rock bottom? Not his rock bottom apparently. He is likely a narcissist so he doesn't see things the way a normal person would. But whether he is a narcissist or not, he blames his sad situation on me and takes ZERO responsibility for his life. I don't know if there is a rock bottom for someone like that. If he ends up homeless and alone he will likely still see himself as the helpless victim who couldn't have changed a thing because it's never his fault.
Me-29 Starting over
ExWH-29 Probable NPD, PA, manchild
3 beautiful young children
DDay 1/20/13 Admits PA
No remorse so NO R. DIVORCED! 9/2013
Posts: 541 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: USA
Member # 32554
| Posted: 12:57 AM, October 21st (Monday), 2013|
Not everyone who deserves a rock bottom has one. Some people who NEED a rock bottom don't experience it.
Having a rock bottom means the person is self-aware and capable/desiring to grow & be a better person. Not everyone is capable of that. So they go on their merry way, never seeming to truly suffer in this life, leaving some of us shattered and bloody in their wake. The ultimate hit 'n run.
Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - DIVORCED!
Posts: 10026 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Member # 35229
| Posted: 6:13 AM, October 21st (Monday), 2013|
I personally think the sad clown lives in rock-bottom town. The only thing that brings any light into his life is a new 'luurve' - a new mask.
It is no way to live.
Please read "Romantic Infidelity": http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200910/beyond-betrayal-life-after-infidelity
This part especially:
Romantic affairs lead to a great many divorces, suicides, homicides, heart attacks, and strokes, but not to very many successful remarriages. No matter how many sacrifices you make to keep the love alive, no matter how many sacrifices your family and children make for this crazy relationship, it will gradually burn itself out when there is nothing more to sacrifice to it. Then you must face not only the wreckage of several lives, but the original depression from which the affair was an insane flight into escape.
He will never stop this cycle long enough to face himself and do the work necessary to be a functioning adult. That's why I say he lives in rock bottom.
I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!
Posts: 5658 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Member # 40268
| Posted: 8:30 AM, October 21st (Monday), 2013|
one example is my mother in law or stbxmil she cheated on my fil and took 100,000 cash to sign over custody of my stbxww and her sister. The cash was for her and her new boyfriend to start a business together, the business tanked in less than a year and the boyfriend dumped her soon after. She gained 150 lbs. and never lost it and now has three boyfriends that she juggles and uses for her benefit. They all cheat on her too except one , that guy she abuses the hell out of. it is sad. so , do I think she hit rock bottom? yes I think her miserable existence is rock bottom!
"what does not kill you , makes you stronger"
Posts: 709 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nyc
Member # 39901
| Posted: 10:21 AM, October 21st (Monday), 2013|
Thank you all for sharing your thoughts and stories on this.
I think my situation is what NG calls "the ultimate hit and run." My stbx didn't have any qualms living a lie (double-life) and then when he didn't want to any more he just left. To he@& with his wife and kids. I am not sure, but I think his affair partner dumped him when he left. Doesn't bother him from what I can tell. He makes a heft salary so there will be a steady flow of *admirer/friends* to make him feel whatever it is his empty hole of a soul needs.
Posts: 138 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: NW
Member # 37190
| Posted: 10:50 AM, October 21st (Monday), 2013|
I keep asking myself this about WH. I would like to think he will finally hit it when he is alone (2 weeks 4 days) but his history shows me otherwise. He will put us all in a box and re-write history to make ME the bad guy. It's just what he does. So sad really.
If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck - it's not a fluffy pink unicorn squirting liquid rainbows, complete with pots of gold out of it's ass.
Posts: 769 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Nowhere pretty
Member # 37898
| Posted: 11:37 AM, October 21st (Monday), 2013|
Months ago--before I made my decision to file--my STBXWW drove up, hysterically crying and told me just these words: "I've hit rock bottom."
But she hadn't. She was, in retrospect, just feeling sorry for herself. I believe, as she moves into her "life" with the AP, she will have her rock bottom "moments," but they will pass. If there is anyone paying any attention to her--as the AP is, at least for the time being--she will not know the meaning of true rock bottom.
All must be lost, and I mean ALL--nobody to cater to the drama, to serve, to beg--before rock bottom is experiences. But for these narcissists, it won't last long, since someone else will always come along to rescue them.
Divorced April Fool's Day 2014
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
Posts: 1678 | Registered: Dec 2012
Member # 33606
| Posted: 12:34 PM, October 21st (Monday), 2013|
My husband has no bottom. Many addicts don't.
Posts: 1736 | Registered: Oct 2011
Member # 33523
| Posted: 12:53 PM, October 21st (Monday), 2013|
I agree some WWs have no bottom.
XH has lost many friends, his reputation, his wife, pretty much everything.
He has gained 50k in debt, and a reputation as a liar & a cheater. He prolly does more drugs than before. It still hasn't been the impetus for him to pull his shit together. I really don't know what could possibly happen that would be rock bottom for him.
Me: MH 40s; Him: MH 40s (I had RA)
OW: 30s, moron; one of many
M: 8 yrs
Everything is as it should be.
Posts: 773 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Vulcania
Member # 40274
| Posted: 4:35 PM, October 21st (Monday), 2013|
I feel bad saying it, but I really hope mine does hit rock bottom. And I hope it happens soon.
It would be the realization of the mess he made not only of his life, but mine and the kids. He would lose his job. Have no money. No OW. No friends. The kids wouldn't want to spend any time with him. He would be humiliated and hurting. He would then have remorse and empathy and not just be thinking about himself.
Then, I might have some compassion for him as the father of my children and fellow human. But, not really until then....
Me BW- 40ish, awesome
Cheating scusband 40ish
2 kids, elementary school age
Bomb dropped Aug 4 out of nowhere...
Posts: 443 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Hell
Member # 38378
| Posted: 7:51 PM, October 21st (Monday), 2013|
XPerv`s denial is so strong that he just blames anything like rock bottom on other people. He`s already lived a version of it and what I don't understand are the things he gave up. not me, but material things or reputation type things he sacrificed for his double life and Fatty B. His own family went down in the sham but protect their own so those who are in rock bottom mode are bailed out instead of having to suffer. It makes a sense of unreality when you`re always bailed out that you aren`t even aware of, until the bailers get fed up.
I see this with the IL`S where problems are ignored until they`re traumas or legal trouble, they get bailed out and do it again. Some shake their head and wonder why they keep doing the destructive/addictive behavior.
Denial is a deep and long river. Its also lonesome.
You gave me nothing and now it's all I've got - Bono
A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess
Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.
Posts: 2366 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
|Topic Posts: 13|