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I'm just an idiot

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Taurus517 posted 10/20/2013 22:28 PM

I just needed to vent. I'm an idiot. I created this mess and it just seems I keep making things worst thinking I'm doing the right thing. Trying to think ahead and thinking it can help but it doesn't. I'm just an idiot and just keep my mouth shut so no more stupid words will come out again. Hate myself right now.

Deeply Scared posted 10/21/2013 08:29 AM

What happened?

Talk it out and lets see if we can help you.

1bigidiot79 posted 10/21/2013 08:42 AM

Taurus, when I read your post I thought that I had written it myself. Heck, I even have "idiot" in my username.

I feel the exact same way as you do. I love my BW dearly and want to do anything and everything to try and help her but I seem to always find myself making things worse somehow. We have talked about it and I am trying hard to concentrate on the things she has actually said she needed. What makes this hard for me is the thing she needs is space. It sucks but if that's what she needs then that's what I'm going to do.

Maybe it would help for you to do the same...have a conversation with her and tell her you want to help her and ask her specifically what she needs. THEN DO IT. That's the thing, words are fine but actions are key.

Taurus517 posted 10/23/2013 20:21 PM

It's been a rough two weeks, trigger season begins and one year of DD is coming up. To keep it short, what she needs I lack of courage. I'm still ashamed of what I did and facing it myself I run. This has been the issue with me. I can provide everything else to her but when it comes to talking about the affair I run. I would love to talk but I freeze up when I do talk about it, thinking it over in your head and planning on doing it is another thing when it has to happen I freeze. I'm angry at myself but I have list control of it and expressed it outward towards her. Then it made things worst and I've been doing good with managing it. So I messed up the progress. I need help and fast because it seems like we are holding on to a thread now.

UnexpectedSong posted 10/23/2013 21:03 PM

I would love to talk but I freeze up when I do talk about it,

Do you talk about anything else beyond day-to-day events?

Joanh posted 10/23/2013 21:12 PM

I know when we have talked about it, I have a hard time explaining, All I feel is shame guilt anger hate self loathing so I end up crying. Even when I start out. I have gotten now I write it out on paper and then read it to him. .
Its helped.
My BH is a pretty black and white guy, and sometimes blunt. So I am learning to just say it say something. Its usually my fears that and my own feelings holding me back. So I go back to paper.
I don't know if that helps?

heforgotme posted 10/24/2013 09:41 AM

just keep my mouth shut so no more stupid words will come out again.

I understand this impulse, but as a BS I will tell you that this is not a good course of action. Things will never get resolved and she may think it means you don't care.

I was going to suggest what Joan did. Write it out first. That way you can make sure you say things the way you mean to. If the words get stuck in your throat, she can even read it herself and then ask you questions.

You might also want to look into resources that teach communication skills and/or talking about emotions.

Good luck.

Stayingstrong15 posted 10/24/2013 16:19 PM

Tell her everything she wants to know. As a bs, the hope comes from knowing there's no more secrets. That is the way healing can have a chance. Don't try to protect herself. Let her know everything and she will she this as a gift so she can be in the know. If you still want her and only her ... Make drastic measures to let her know. Take her face in your hands. Tell her no one compared to her. Tell her you will never betray her again. Even when she pushed you away, know this is the last thing she wants to do. She wants you to be drastic in telling her how much she means to you. She needs this and if you see hurtful anger just know this comes from a place of immense pain. All she wants is you to go above and beyond to tell her how beautiful she is and you risked a beautiful person for crap. Don't ever give up!

Taurus517 posted 10/24/2013 23:12 PM

@UnexpectedSong

Do you talk about anything else beyond day-to-day events?

We do, just when it comes to A, I have a hard time.

@Joanh
I think this is the same as doing a timeline which currently I suck at. Otherwise I have thought about it but I overthink and think it wouldnt help because I'm not good at writing or speaking. I think it will be a good idea because if speaking is giving me issues maybe writing it down can help.

@Stayingstrong15
That I know because she tells me the same thing, I do my best but its not good enough. I have caused the anger so I know a positive response is not going to happen. Thank you though I will continue to not to give up.

Aubrie posted 10/25/2013 09:32 AM

I may be way off base here and forgive me if I'm missing something. Haven't been as active on the boards as I used to be.

Could your issues stem from the fact that you've recently been handed your own betrayal by your wife? Have you had the opportunity to process and deal with her infidelity as well?

I know being a MH really muddies the waters, but it just seems that since shortly after her Dday, there was like 5 seconds of "OMG, I messed up" and then suddenly all focus is on you and your stupidity and idiocy. She has her own shining moments of bad choices. Make sure you aren't stuffing that and heaping all the guilt upon yourself in this. And maybe you're dealing with this IRL and not on the boards so much. If so, good.

I'm not trying to shift focus or throw blame around, just curious is maybe some of your issues are from your own betrayal. *shrug*

cluless posted 10/25/2013 10:02 AM

BS here. This is to all WS out there, I want to give you an example of what not to say or what not to do (courtesy of my WH).

I'm in a RAGE, I'm throwing his clothes out of our room (again) and he decides it's a good idea to push his way into the room. I told him I'll stop throwing the clothes, leave now, he then proceeded to push on the door, which I pushed back (catching his arm) and I was throwing my body again the door. Finally I guess that became too painful and he pushed opened the door (I'm screaming "GET THE FUCK OUT" and I don't really remember apparently I punched him a few times before he had me in a TIGHT hug, that is one of my sons arrived on scene, pulled him off and told him "if you ever touch my mother again I'll kill you."

Morale of that story: I know it's hard for you to grasp, but the pain is SOOOOOOO intense that if we don't release the pressure we will burst. Think of it as a volcano and needs to erupt, do you really want to be there during the fallout?

#2 OW's BS told my WH that I was VERY FUCKABLE. It's been a sore subject for us. The OW was a size 0, FAKE boobs, leather skin (laid out in the sun ALOT); fake eyelashes, fake nails, etc. Due to the A I've lost 25 lbs. in 8 weeks. He came up to me and said "you've lost so much weight, your so much more fuckable now." Tell me people, does anyone think that's remotely funny or a complement?

My WH is SLOWLY coming around, but what we want/need to hear is HOW YOU GET IT. HOW YOU WILL MAKE THIS RIGHT (FOLLOW THROUGH HERE) AND TREAT HER LIKE A STAR. DO EVERYTHING FOR HER UNTIL.... YOUR FEELINGS MEAN NOTHING, YOU HAD YOUR TIME, NOW IT'S OUR TURN.

I didn't yell, I wanted to emphasize certain points. You've got to be there for them, go OUT of your way, (don't be phoney), be sincere and really show her you get it. If you operate the way you did before A, IT AIN'T GOING TO WORK. You have a mess to clean up, and you do that by being TRANSPARENT with no TT. I did a poll on GENERAL which hurt worst, the A or the lies? 80% said the lies, think about that. That is when most of the relationships fall apart because the A was the knife wound, the lies are the poison you pour in everytime you lie.

I hope that helps. We get everyone make mistakes. LEARN from them!

Aubrie posted 10/25/2013 10:23 AM

DO EVERYTHING FOR HER UNTIL.... YOUR FEELINGS MEAN NOTHING

For some of us, that right there is why some of us cheated. Because our feelings meant nothing. Because we were doormats. Because we were abused. So to continue in that pattern, only with our spouse and not an AP, really changes nothing. I know how bad that sounds. But I've seen WS replace their AP with their BS. Nothing changes. The patterns and behaviors behind the cheating and unhealthiness don't change. Only the "AP" changes.

WS are terribly broken people. What if your WS is a KISA? What if they are a people pleaser? What if they are co-de? How does doing "anything and everything" to "fix" the relationship fix the internal issues that WS has?

Don't get me wrong. I've done a crapton in an effort to heal my relationship with my husband. But it recently got to a point where I had to say, "Ya know what? You have to heal yourself. I can't do it. I've tried. You've expected me to. But you have your own internal work that needs done that I cannot touch. It's not fair and I understand if you don't want to do it. But they dynamic we have now is terribly unhealthy. You fix you, I fix me, then we fix we. And if not, we can dissolve this whole thing and be done."

There's a balance.

JKL Vikings posted 10/25/2013 10:56 AM

Aubrie, I need Hufi's clapping hands guy. You are, as our British friends would say, SPOT-ON. Also, finding that balance will greatly reduce the likelihood of another A

lucy17 posted 10/28/2013 07:29 AM

Aubrie, I agree but...
Because for now I am choosing to stay what WH says/does effects me--as it should in a relationship. If I chose to leave and heal myself, then his words and actions wouldn't effect me as much.

"Ya know what? You have to heal yourself. I can't do it. I've tried. You've expected me to. But you have your own internal work that needs done that I cannot touch. It's not fair and I understand if you don't want to do it. But they dynamic we have now is terribly unhealthy. You fix you, I fix me, then we fix we. And if not, we can dissolve this whole thing and be done."

If my WH said this to me, I would be done. We would be done. We are in a relationship so we can help each other and some days that might mean more work for me and some days that might mean more work for him. The minute he tells me I have to do it on my own I will--without him in my life.

SlowUptake posted 10/28/2013 07:52 AM

WS here. This is to all BS out there

YOUR FEELINGS MEAN NOTHING

If you want to test the resilience of a remorseful WS, keep saying this often.
Just don't be too shocked with the consequence.
Even we lowly, good for nothing WS's have a right to "be done".

@lucy17
Aubrie wasn't saying that we WS's should not assist the healing of our BS's where we can.
At the end of the day it is up to the BS to heal, we can't do it for them, as much as we would like to.

Aubrie posted 10/28/2013 08:32 AM

If my WH said this to me, I would be done. We would be done. We are in a relationship so we can help each other and some days that might mean more work for me and some days that might mean more work for him. The minute he tells me I have to do it on my own I will--without him in my life.
Your Dday was in July? Yeah, if he said that to you at this point, I wouldn't blame you one bit for walking out.

However, QS and I were further out in our healing. There were issues within himself and he was shifting the blame on me. He was mistreating and abusing me and the children because of it. He knew the underlying issues were within himself. We both knew there was nothing I could do to help those issues. I took a chance when I said those words. But it was the right thing for both of us at that point in time. He had his own wake up call and started doing his own heavy lifting.

Blaming me for his own internal crap, blaming me for issues stemming from his FOO, blaming me for his actions, that's not going to fly. He's responsible for his own actions, just as I was when I cheated.

WS and BS have to work together, that is true. They help one another thru this journey. But at the end of the day, individual healing is up to the individual.

Taurus517 posted 10/28/2013 15:51 PM

@Aubrie

But at the end of the day, individual healing is up to the individual.

This has been the thing I have been struggling with. Finding myself and healing myself was never in the fore front of anything in my life due to FOO and personal issues.

The last few posts I can agree and disagree. We WS has caused all this and will need to do everything in our power to make it right and rebuild the trust and also as human beings we also have feelings as well.

Its understandable that we have cause this much pain so there will be anger and hurt, its you're right to vent. I just know sometimes the words can hurt.

Either way both sides do have to work together. Thanks everyone for the insight

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