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morethantrying (original poster member #40547) posted at 4:31 AM on Monday, October 21st, 2013
Especially in the first few weeks, months I found some of the suggestions by Michele Weiner-Davis to help me. Her method gave me back a sense of control when everything was out of control. The first thing I took control of was when he criticized me (or it seemed that way to me. I would be defensive, but I turned it around very early on and just either 1. admitted my mistake or 2. Thanked him for his suggestions. Doing this consistently not only gave me sense of CONTROL but also greatly improved our relationship-...the criticisms stopped fairly quickly.
ALSO the other things I did was to THANK him for EVERYTHING he did...every little thing...either with word or a gesture, little touch look in his eyes....I was in CONTROL...this helps our marriage to start turning positive...
Okay, they helped me, and us. Having CONTROL of the relationship gave me POWER back when I felt so powerless. Now I am working on ASKING for what I need DIRECTLY and not letting him GUESS....I SAY it right and then thank him when he does...I am also fine if he says no...I am graceful with my reply and that makes him feel loved and accepted and then I will gradually get more as well...we build together, but I can have an amazing amount of control with how it goes...this helps me.
[This message edited by morethantrying at 10:32 PM, October 20th (Sunday)]
Affairs - hard on us both - but love will win.
Me: BS 57
Him: WS 64
Married 34 yrs.
dday TT from 12/2012-2/2013)...
overandone ( member #39162) posted at 12:34 PM on Monday, October 21st, 2013
Great post,thank you. Funny, both my H and myself are the same age as yourselves - maybe some wisdom comes with age?!
Especially liked the bit about asking for what I need, not leaving H to guess, which is something I know I was guilty of plenty of times before. But now he often picks up on how I'm feeling before I've had a chance to say anything, which is something he rarely did before R.
Oh, and a sense of humour, especially when I know I've done something daft helps too...
Me - BW (54)
Him - fWS (61)
kiddies - daughters 22 and 27,son 22,
d-day - April 18 2012
15 years on/off LTA
R - but lots of bumps in the long road
Jrazz ( member #31349) posted at 5:53 PM on Monday, October 21st, 2013
Amen to all of that.
Clear communication, and the knowledge that at the end of the day all we can control is ourselves and how we react to things is really freeing. 
"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." - Deeply Scared's mom
MartlArts ( member #36130) posted at 7:54 PM on Monday, October 21st, 2013
Wow, that is great! I really need to work on both the things you're doing.
excerpt from an awesome quote "Forgiveness - the finishing of old business that allows us to experience the present, free of contamination from the past."
morethantrying (original poster member #40547) posted at 12:36 AM on Tuesday, October 22nd, 2013
I like your quote on forgiveness Martlarts! It is a journey to be sure...I am up and down but having more strength each day...but that is only apparent when I look back....rainy day today and yep rainy days and Mondays always get me down...ha ha...couldn't help it 
Affairs - hard on us both - but love will win.
Me: BS 57
Him: WS 64
Married 34 yrs.
dday TT from 12/2012-2/2013)...
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