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MrsDoubtfire posted 10/20/2013 23:20 PM

I've had my first major fallout with FWH since all this crap started and it's rocked my very core!

I've been in hospital after having major surgery (so apologies for any weird advice the last couple of weeks). I was on some extremely strong meds ) and I found out that the symptoms I have been suffering with for the last couple of years are probably permanent and cannot (probably) be resolved- although I will not yet give up hope.

Understandably I am off kilter and a tad scared! And also currently housebound so am like a caged animal

I've been a bitch to those around me- for which there is no excuse.

Call it med brain, fear of the future or plain old 'unable to cope with the physical pain AND hating the way the meds make me feel' and you get the fact I've just been really hard to get along with.

Anyway, in the mix I had to try sort something for our DS and my brain just couldn't handle the pressure so, a few hours ago, I snapped !!

I told FWH I was sick of being the go to guy all the time and sick of him and DS laughing about how I always try to "micro manage stuff" and sick of how they always say to just "chill the hell out and back off" and that how this particular issue at this particular time just goes to show they say one thing and yet mean another! (It was an issue that meant I couldn't just dip in then back off!)

He gets all annoyed as he feels I'm attacking him personally ( I'm not meaning to- I'm just in over my head and need someone to catch hold of) but then tries to help by taking over to help DS (and me) out but, for whatever reason, DS's still coming to me for clarity in the meantime (he kept texting me while FWH was trying to call him and sort out his issue). I lost it -as I couldn't help due to all the above.

And then FWH came out with this little gem .....
"You're a bitch! Just like your mother!

Argument won! Game over! Do not pass go! Jackpot!Ding Ding Ding!!

Innocuous remark? No. He said it to put me right back in my place. My mother tries to control everything and everyone who knows me knows I do everything in my power to not be the same so it was a low blow.

Agreed-I've probably pissed my family off a lot over this last week and FWH's probably had enough too ....but I thought I had a little bit of grace due to circumstance but I guess not.

I'm upset and cannot bring myself to even attempt to resolve this issue which is childish I know. I'm not passive aggressive and like to face stuff head on but I'm stonewalling him!!

And there's a tiny thought that is at the periphery of my brain which keeps whispering to me "this is it! I'm done!"

I know that's probably med brain talking and I will be here next week eating humble pie and telling people R ain't easy but my M is spectacular now which is what makes R so worth it ( because- essentially- I truly believe that to be so) but at this moment in time I feel like I am done and if I could physically pack my stuff and walk out the door then I would be gone.

Winning an argument by putting someone down? How childish!
But to kick 'em when they're already down? Low blow MrDoubtfire!

Maybe I'm taking it out of context because of how I feel right now and am blowing his remark out of all proportion? Who knows? What I do know is I'm thinking- right here, right now- that this guy is a total asswipe!!

I don't know whether to or but I DO know I'm as hell!

I will check in but can't promise to be prompt with any replies to this post. This will be due to a combination of "where I am right now" with a bit of added "self pity!" thrown in.

Thanks for listening and, as always, any 2x4s graciously accepted!

Missymomma posted 10/20/2013 23:31 PM

((((Mrs)))) Oh, that is rough! Being ill, in pain, on meds and likely to continue to feel bad. Of course you are overwhelmed. That was a shitty thing for him to say and I hope he apologizes promptly. You know the meds and pain are messing with your brain and emotions. BTDT. Try to take whatever help you can get from FWH. This would be a perfect time for him to really step up. I hear you on the complaining about controlling behavior, yet constantly asking you to take over control. When you have recovered from the insult, you and Mr. will be able to talk about this. It is a storm and will pass. Rest and try to recover.

Gr8Lady posted 10/21/2013 00:12 AM

No apologies needed.
Heal feel better, and prioritize what you are able.
Sounds as if you have a major case if overwhelmed.
Take it one day at a time. If that is too difficult, find just one thing at a time you can accomplish,.

Rooting for you!

catlover50 posted 10/21/2013 04:45 AM

I'm so sorry, honey. Yes, you deserved some grace. That was really immature of your H.

Perhaps he is feeling overwhelmed as well? In the past my H used to get mad automatically if I was mad at him. He felt "attacked". He's improved a lot but has to fight that knee jerk reaction.

If your H sincerely apologizes I wouldn't punish him too long. Sounds like you are both under stress and that you could use some support.

And yes, I too sometimes feel like "it's done" when my H does something insensitive. I try not to verbalize it ( and sometimes fail) because I have found that the feeling passes.

Best of luck with all your challenges.

sisoon posted 10/21/2013 12:08 PM

Your med-brain and the prognosis are incredibly stressful, not only on you, but on the people around you, too. You all deserve a little slack - you more than anyone, but your H is almost definitely affected, too.

So be gentle with yourself. If you're done, the knowledge will come to you as you integrate the stress of the surgery and prognosis.

I don't like everything my W does; she doesn't like everything I do, and yet nothing we dislike is enough to split. You're probably going through something like that, but if you're not, so be it.

For now, though, relax. Let your body heal. Let your mind integrate the prognosis. You'll know what you want to do in a while.

tushnurse posted 10/21/2013 12:26 PM

Wait a second - The argument ended because you kicked him in the balls so hard he couldn't talk because he was busy puking and rolling around on the floor, right?

Seriously though. What an asshole thing to say.
People that have never had chronic pain just don't get it, they don't understand that even though you are taking meds all that does is dull it, or make your brain dull enough to not care you are in pain. They don't get that it is there 24/7, and how it wears the mind, body, and spirit down.

It's really time for you to focus on you. Not on him, not on your DS, but you. It will be tough for all of them because it's probably the first time you make yourself a priority. But it's ok.

It is also your job (not as a BS) but as a wife to call him out on this method of communication. He said what he said because he knew the response he would get. It is unfair, and is poor communication, and if he is left unchecked for it, more will follow. He needs to be strong and supportive for you right now, and if he can't do that on his own, you need to be very specific on how he can help you. After the dust settles you can discuss this with him calmly and quietly.

In the meantime try to focus on yourself and your healing.

((((and strength))))

MrsDoubtfire posted 10/22/2013 03:45 AM

Guys. Thank you for your gentle responses. I appreciate every single one although tushnurse - your first sentences made me laugh a bit too much which isn't v clever post surgery!!

FWH apologised and said he had no excuse but was feeling a bit overwhelmed and also a bit stir crazy at having to be here at home 24/7 for the last couple of weeks which I appreciate as I feel a bit that way too.

I said I need to heal but I do think we need to talk (at some point) about the family in general wanting me to sort out issues whilst at the same time asking me to back off! FWH acknowledged this and said it IS a bit of banter when they say chill out mom ( but can see where my confusion lies).

Suffice to say- he is being more attentive and I realise I was overreacting on account of the pain and meds I am on. I'm glad I posted this here though as I needs clarity and you guys are like my guardian angels sitting on my shoulders with words of wisdom, perspective and truth so thank you again

And thank you that I didn't get smacked by any 2x4's.

[This message edited by MrsDoubtfire at 3:47 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday)]