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Can this ever be OK again?

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angelsky posted 10/21/2013 01:27 AM

I found text message on his phone by accident, really didn't suspect anything. Then came lie after lie after lie. Did some snooping and found out about adult dating site profiles (which he swore he did not have), phone calls (which he swore he did not make), exchanged pics (which he denied), etc. Then I found out about an email account I didn't even know about from an archived message on his facebook page from a woman he doesn't even know. Changed the email password and found out he has been soliticing "escorts" online, asking their rates (kind of blows the "just flirting around" explaination he gave me) and that he has had this email for almost a year. The makeup *** was incredible, but then he started doing things he has never done before and that he could not have seen on a movie. Someone had to tell him to "do that there." He swears "nothing happened." Now I find myself wondering about everything for the past 18 years. He refuses to talk about it and just keeps saying, "You're never going to let this go are you?" and "How long are we going to have to talk about this." It's only been 2 full weeks today, not sure what he expects. I don't think he is really all that sorry for it. I doubt he even thinks there is anything wrong with it all. Just blames me for everything,which is typical. And to top it all off... now I'm the bad guy for snooping and violating HIS privacy. Give me a break. I know it was the wrong thing to do, but feel if he had been honest with me that I wouldn't have had to do it, or am I just justifying my poor behavior the same as he is?

Thanks for all this info. At least I know I'm not crazy and all these feelings are normal

overandone posted 10/21/2013 02:49 AM

No, you're not "justifying poor behaviour". I found WH's e-mails to fAP by accident, also never suspected a thing. After d-day I trawled through everything I could think of, and despite some protestations from my H , continued until I was satisfied I knew all there was to know. Not poor behaviour, I found out things I didn't know because I was TTed for a good while - usual excuse of not wanting to cause me any more pain. As far as I can see it was more to do with saving his arse...

You have every right to know what's been going on for the last 18 years, and don't let him BS you with crap about his privacy, especially if he's lying to you even when the evidence is there. It seems to be a common thread with most WS that they'll deny as long as they can, and 2 weeks out is nothing. This is a long ride, we're nearly 19 months out and I still need to ask questions, and will carry on doing so, even though it makes my H uncomfortable.

We had a very good MC, who got through to my H that it was important for me to be able to ask whatever I wanted, and to make my H look at his behaviour and its effects on both of us. If we hadn't gone, I'm not sure we would be in (mostly) happy relate now.

Laura28 posted 10/21/2013 02:52 AM

Hi honey

I am so sorry you had to find us.

Firstly, always remember you are not alone. This community will always be here for you whenever you need us.

It is so hard to say where to start.

Firstly. No - you are not crazy. Often this is the first way a wayward spouse tries to defend themselves. It is called "gaslighting" and can be very effective. It certainly worked against me 25 years ago!!! Essentially it is a tactic waywards use to deflect attention from what they have done by suggesting we are nuts for our suspicions.

I hope you have been reading the Healing Library (Link at top left). There is so much wisdom there.

But most importantly you need to take care of yourself. Regardless of your intentions at present (R, S or D) you need to protect yourself. So look after your health. Eat healthy food, drink plenty of water, get sleeping meds and/or anti-depressants if you need them. Talk to a FEW trusted friends but maybe keep the info from relatives at the moment until your head clears.

Get tested for STDs. Your life may depend on it!! We have all been embarrassed at the thought of this but we have all done it and all found that the medical profession see it all the time and are always sympathetic.

See a lawyer. Find out your rights. At present you cannot be sure you know the full extent of the betrayal. By getting legal advice you will regain a little power. You don't need to tell him. It is just to make you feel better.

As for it only being 2 weeks and him expecting you to be "over it" He has NO IDEA!!!!

God knows what is going through his head but I suspect it is mostly about protecting himself and there is little about you and your feelings.

So... at present he is the enemy. An alien who has invaded your life. He will do everything to protect himself at the moment and the only weapon you have is your courage. Stay strong. You will survive this. It may seem impossible at present but you will.

Read up on the 180 in the healing library. It is the approach you need now.

Also have a look at this.

There are so many situations here. You will find yours. There are thousands of hours of reading here and so much good advice.

If you find someone who sounds as though they may be having a similar experience to yours click the smiley icon in the top right hand side of their posts. From here you can usually read their story and if you wish send them a private message (pm).

Finally, never EVER, EVER think this is in any way your fault. Most of us do in the early days, but the reality is that no matter what you did in the M


You were both in the same M and you didn't cheat. If someone is unhappy for whatever reason in a M they have lots of options including D. Cheating is not an option. It is a selfish and cowardly act.

I wonder where you are? I am in Australia. Many/most? of the members here are from the US. If you are from elsewhere remember the time difference as you may not get many responses now.

Keep coming back here honey. We can support you.



jjct posted 10/21/2013 04:55 AM

Laura, check the link you posted...

angelsky, hang in there. He is reading from a very well-worn script we've seen here thousands of times.
You invaded his secrecy - not his privacy.

This might be helpful:

Keep posting. We got your back.

Laura28 posted 10/21/2013 05:10 AM


yes I meant to post the link to "I can Relate".


The link jjct posted is brilliant. I copy pasted from the first post into Word, printed and gave it to my FWH. I think this was really this first time he had any idea of what he had done.


angelsky posted 10/21/2013 10:28 AM

Thank you so very much for your responses. It means so much to know there are other people who have made it through this!! Don't think R is an option for me. My daughter told me if I backtrack again she will leave. She is 14 and has seen and heard too much not even relating to the online stuff. She actually hates him and is uncomfortable around him, even before this. so, S first then D is probably what will happen. This is just the straw that made me see that everything I thought I had was a lie. The 180 is the BEST! I did everything wrong at the beginning (well early in the beginning since it's only been 2 weeks). Now I am concentrating on being the person I want to be without his imput! Lost myself somewhere. I'm actually having fun getting to know myself again.

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