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Whether to encourage WS to use this site

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lloyddobler posted 10/21/2013 03:46 AM

D-Day was 10/19. Confrontation with evidence on 10/20 resulted in contrition from my WW and an agreement to NC. We'll be looking into our options for MC tomorrow (well, later today, I guess), and we both know that the road to Reconciliation is long and difficult, but, so far, WW seems committed to working together to rebuild the marriage. Committed enough to this process that she did already set NC barriers up to an OM whom I know she has cared very deeply about for longer than we have known each other. So while I am hurting pretty bad right now, I also still want us to be more than the sum of our parts... even if those parts are badly damaged right now.

Now to my question: Some of the posts I've read suggest that I should keep my profile name for this site a secret from my WW. But there seems to be a lot on the site that could help with reconciliation for WSs. And there's no chance that, were I to suggest to my WW that she use the site that she would have any difficulty finding any of my future posts should she be inclined to seek them.

Also, while every instinct I have is encouraging me to curl up in a fetal position and protect myself as much as possible by locking my computer, changing all my passwords, and so on, I know that this is just a kind of confusion on my part since I'm not the one who has been needing to keep secrets. And, finally, if affairs thrive in secrecy, it seems counterintuitive to me that I should be at all secretive (where my WW is concerned, anyway) about seeking advice in this forum.

So I wonder what others who are working on Reconciliation or who have been successful or unsuccessful at it have done in this regard. What seems to work in terms of encouraging a remorseful WS to use this site?

Right now I'm so exhausted... kind of helps handle the pain for the time being. I'm sure I'll have lots of other questions. And I've already found so many helpful posts. I would have made so many mistakes already if I hadn't stumbled across this site.

[This message edited by lloyddobler at 4:01 AM, October 21st (Monday)]

Raven96 posted 10/21/2013 04:26 AM

Hi, Lloyd. (Loved that movie, by the way!)

I am so sorry you are here, but I am glad you found us!

I can't answer your question because I will not allow my spouse on here. Do I think it would be good for him? Yes. My reasons are just that I want MY safe place. There are a lot of couples on here, though. They will be along soon to give you their opinions.

I just want you to know we are here for you. There are a ton of great articles and FAQs in the Healing Library, which is in the yellow box in the upper left hand corner. You sound like you have a handle on everything, which is great. Make sure you are eating and drinking plenty of water. You are in for one heck of an emotional rollercoaster ride, I am sorry to say. Post and vent on here as much as you need to!


Alyssamd24 posted 10/21/2013 04:39 AM

BS responses only.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:10 AM, October 21st (Monday)]

summerain posted 10/21/2013 04:51 AM

Alyssamd24, this forum is just for the betratyed spouses. I'm in no way trying to be rude or bitchy. I just know that when I was in JFO it would be a bit triggery for me to read a comment from a wayward.

I would recommend to 'keep it secret, keep it safe'. My personal experience with my wayward is that he reads it occasionally.. and then generally disagrees with everything Except for one poster who he thinks is amazing

That said, I think it would be a good idea to bring up ideas from what you've read as a guide for talking points.

The reason why I say keep it secret is your first instinct is that you're not sure. Secondly just recently we have/had a member whose wayward was literally stalking her on threads and had done it on different sites.

So that in consideration, just go with your instinct, which is you're not sure. So keep it secret... and safe!

[This message edited by lauren123 at 4:52 AM, October 21st (Monday)]

NeverAgain2013 posted 10/21/2013 05:24 AM

Absolutely NOT. This is YOUR safe place and there will be times in the future when you need advice on things pertaining to your reconciliation that you're NOT going to want her to know about.

Look, there are tons and tons of infidelity resources, books, videos, and everything ELSE under the sun out there for her to read. Why would you give up your safe place?

I think a lot of betrayeds have the notion that if they tell their cheating spouse about SI, the cheater will come here, read all their posts, and suddenly have an epiphany about how truly hurt and in pain they are. You don't need her to read here to SEE the devastation she's caused, Lloyd.

Lastly, your D-Day was only a couple days ago. You're about to go through a ton of things that most betrayeds go - lying, deceiving, gaslighting, trickle-trothing, and on and on. You're going to want to come HERE for advice and you'll be shooting yourself in the foot if she's reading everything because it will just give her a heads up on everything.

D-Day just happened. You'll need the support of others who know how to help guide you through it.

Don't tell her about SI. Keep it to yourself for now.

AFrayedKnot posted 10/21/2013 05:30 AM

Welcome to SI. The best place you never wanted to find yourself. There is a ton of help for people on both sides of the fence.

I have heard both good and bad stories about sharing this site with your spouse. I didn't have the option my fWS actually found this site first and showed it to me. It has been a benefit to both of us.

A non remorseful foggy wayward could use this site against you. They could use what they read to hide their A even better if they take it underground. They could read what most people would like to see in terms of remorse and fake it to appease you.

On the other hand there are a lot of very strong waywards here to help wake your WS up from the fog.

One other option might be to copy and paste anything you would like her to read to a word document and print it for her. It would keep the site anonymous until you make a decision whether to introduce her here. But also provide her with information that could help.

There are a few posts in wayward that many find particularly helpful:
Maia withdrawal survival guide
Things every WS needs to know

As well as the articles and FAQ in the Healing Library.

For you some of the regularly suggested posts are found here in JFO are:
Tactical Primer
Great posts for Newbies
Boundaries and Consequences 101
Before you say reconcile

Keep reading and posting and asking questions. Take care of yourself, eat, sleep, exercise, drink plenty of water.

overandone posted 10/21/2013 05:30 AM

Don't think I'd be happy if fWH used this site too. You can always print out articles from the Healing Library for her to read. Good luck...

k9lover1 posted 10/21/2013 07:29 AM

way too soon to give your WW access in my opinion.

Bobbi_sue posted 10/21/2013 07:38 AM

As others said, it is way too soon to even think about sharing the site with him. It would be differnet if he found it first, and joined the WW side.

At this point, you can only hope what he is telling you is true, regarding his sincerety and remorse. It will take some time and verification to determine how sincere he is. And if he is not that sincere, having him on the site will be a disaster.

While some here eventually do share the site with their WS and sometimes both in the couple post, and it works for them, it is something I would never do.

My H is not the type who likes to do a lot of reading and writing in this type of forum anyway, and for that reason alone I would not push something like this on him. Also, I never pushed my H to do much of anything. If it didn't come from his own heart, mostly his own idea, it almost didn't count as much to me, anyway! Fortunately my H found his own ways to show me how remorseful he was and how much he wanted to repair the damage he caused. We have been R'ed for almost 7 years and are closer than ever but I have never shared this site with him and never will.

betrayedme2 posted 10/21/2013 07:56 AM

lloyddobler, I too questioned this. Like others have said, it's my place for now. I think there's a lot of good info here for my WS to read, but for now, it's my place. If she stumbles across it herself, fine, but for now I'm not going to ask her to come here. I think of it like IC... My dday was Jan, '13.

Best wishes to you!! Hang on for the ride!! Sorry you have to go through all of this.

heforgotme posted 10/21/2013 08:54 AM

I think it is too soon for you to trust her with SI. This place will be your lifeline and you don't need it to be compromised.

Print some of the helpful stuff in the healing library and/or posts for her to read. Just make sure there is no identifying info on it.

If she proves her remorse, then eventually I think it would be great if you would invite her here. There is much to be learned from the other waywards and they have no qualms with helping someone "see the light". But let her actions prove her remorse to you before you trust her with your safe place.

Good luck.

lloyddobler posted 10/21/2013 09:36 AM

Thanks, everyone, for the feedback. I like the suggestions to print anything I think might be especially helpful. Otherwise, there's no rush at all for me to let my WW know about the site. I'll see how things go over the next few months (?).

Those of you doing MC or IC -- what do your therapists think about using these kind of fora? Are therapists supportive of the kinds of support that the SI site offers? Or do they sometimes offer some friction over this? Just want to be prepared...

[This message edited by lloyddobler at 9:37 AM, October 21st (Monday)]

MJane posted 10/21/2013 09:43 AM

Lloyd I haven't mentioned using this site but I take the view that it's what makes you feel listened to that matters - I had IC when I had repeat miscarriages and although it helped a lot I could not believe the relief I felt from meeting strangers on a forum who were in the same boat as me and had shared the same horrible experiences (and reactions). I think each serves a very different purpose - I have found some of the books recommended by SI folks extremely helpful for me to deal with what is happening and while you might not agree with a lot of posts I think it opens your mind about actions and reactions & I have found real comfort

AFrayedKnot posted 10/21/2013 09:47 AM

We are not in MC. My fWS is in IC.

Her first IC was hesitant about it. She was concerned that we would take our issues to the forums instead of taking them to each other and working together.

There has been little if anything posted here that we did not discuss first. We bring things here to get another perspective and experience.

Her new IC loves the idea of the forums.
***she switched due to scheduling conflict not treatment conflict

gonnabe2016 posted 10/21/2013 12:38 PM

Are therapists supportive of the kinds of support that the SI site offers? Or do they sometimes offer some friction over this? Just want to be prepared...

I've seen both opinions. Depends on the therapist and the person relaying the opinion to you.
IMO, I won't listen to a therapist say anything good/bad about *my* board unless that therapist has experience with it (the site).....and that experience means more than just browsing the site for 30 minutes or whatever.

And I also wanted to cast my vote for it being way too soon to consider bringing your WW here. Way.Too.Soon. I would also suggest that rather than sending her links to any of the articles, that you copy/paste the article into a word doc (remove the username). And if a particular thread interests you, do the same copy/paste and remove the usernames and any reference to SI.

Seriously. NO amount of caution is too much at this point. If your WW *turns* on you at some point -- (just shaking my head) you may have figured out, I'm one of those who brought their WS to this site and wish,wish,wish that I hadn't. What a freakin' nightmare......

solus sto posted 10/21/2013 14:02 PM

I'd hold off. You're in VERY early days, and it's too soon to tell how things will unfold.

Given time, and consistent remorse, then yes--sharing SI can be helpful. Your WS may gain a lot from it.

However, it's just plain too soon to know whether your wife is remorseful. Really, at this stage of the game, genuine remorse is unusual---everyone's sort of in shock, and in a tailspin.

I hope beyond hope that you are right--that she is remorseful and you will successfully R.

But for now, keep SI under wraps.

I thought I was in R. Until I learned my WH was bringing his OW here to harvest my pain for their entertainment (and fodder for continuing their affair).

Better safe than sorry, IMO. There is always time to invite her here.

ETA: My IC was impressed with SI. My WH's was not. Of course, WH's IC was operating on a foundation of lies, and furthermore, never visited SI. So there's that.

My IC visited the site, talked with me about what I got from it, and thought it was great the support was available.

[This message edited by solus sto at 2:05 PM, October 21st (Monday)]

heartache101 posted 10/21/2013 14:40 PM


To be honest mine frowned (IC) when I said I was on this site... She thought it was keeping me in the past. I assured her it wasn't...

I come on to show others they can too heal and have a marriage it is a lot of work.
All the JFOs need to know it can work.. Just the Wayward spouse has to be remorseful and able to handle the lifetime of knowing they are the wayward in the relationship. Set boundaries and communicate..

No my spouse is not on here either. This is my safe place.
But if he should cheat again he would be directed here.
Back in our Dday in the beginning we didn't have internet! I is old! Haha....

Anywho I think it is a toss up if she would be a stalker then no you don't want her here.. Otherwise I would want my spouse here in a heartbeat if he cheated again.

lloyddobler posted 10/23/2013 04:39 AM

Thanks for the pointers about therapists and their views about SI. Guess I'll find out how mine reacts soon... well, as soon as I get one, anyway.

Sammy2013 posted 10/23/2013 14:49 PM

I agree with everyone on holding off. When I first came here (not long ago at all) I wanted to immediately send him here. Wanted to say "Go look! There are men/women just like you on there! There are so many good articles" Then I realized that I was getting trickle truth and knew I needed to keep this site for me. It's my safe place (because my marriage is no longer safe for me). I come her mostly to read other posts and know that I am not alone and it's not my fault. It's what I need for me. If he is interested in fixing this, he can damn well do his own research. This is my place! For now.

lloyddobler posted 10/23/2013 17:13 PM

Thanks, everyone. I'm following your advice and holding off on encouraging WW to spend any time on this specific forum at least for the time being.

I copied to a separate document the BS FAQ, the WS FAQ, and the from the BS for the FWS FAQ for her as a starting point. Oh, and the main list of abbreviations. I explained today that *I* didn't *need* her to do anything if she didn't want to, but that our reconciliation does depend on her being significantly more proactive about seeking some guidance (and not just waiting for IC and MC details to get sorted out) and talking with me about what she's learning from this. That's officially now a new ground rule condition for me.

I'm worried that if she doesn't start being more proactive, she'll simply cave in to her depression and allow that to reinforce her fog.

A question that probably belongs on a different forum, but is pertinent to this thread: I clicked the box on my original post requesting emails when new posts were added to the thread. There doesn't appear to be a way to uncheck that option now that it's been checked. Or am I missing something?

[This message edited by lloyddobler at 5:22 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday)]

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