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Other people thinking your marriage is "poison"

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hobbeskat posted 10/21/2013 08:49 AM

My sister in law blocked me and my husband on FB. She told my brother that she thinks our marriage (and us) are, "poison" and doesn't want to talk to us anymore.

I think a lot of people probably think badly of our marriage. I shouldn't care, but I do. I have talked to far too many people about our problems. And worse I only tend to talk about things when I'm feeling angry about them. I talked to my sister in law when I was angry and I know it seems like I must hate my WH or don't want to be with him. But things are good most of the time.

I also found out my brother, who was coming to London, didn't want to stay with us because of this, thinking it would be horrible or awkward. So he booked 2 nights in a hostel instead.

I feel like shit. This is partly my fault for talking to too many people. I don't have a great support network. It's also his fault for putting us in this position in the first place.

I'm not going to talk about this stuff anymore with anyone, or if I do, talk about the good stuff. I must be giving the impression our marriage is fucked when it's good most of the time.

I just feel like crap knowing that people think this of us. I feel like our marriage is a public joke.

HormonalWoman posted 10/21/2013 08:57 AM

Did you all get on well previously to this? Or is there some history between you all?

It's difficult, you don't want family members to condone the affair but at the same time you want them to be supportive of our choice to R if that's what we choose to do.

I understand some people do not wish to mix with those who cheat or have a past of cheating but with family, unless something really horrendous has happened or there is a history of unacceptable behaviour, I would expect them to remain civil even if they didn't want to meet up all the time.

hobbeskat posted 10/21/2013 09:01 AM

We got on pretty well. His whole family have cheated- both parents. His family are quite permissive of it therefore I seem like a moaning harpy who should just get over it. It's me that's the problem to them- not him.

She is less supportive of me and more supportive of him, which is natural given that it's her brother.

I wish I hadn't told anyone :( I was in panic mode and utterly alone because he left me.

[This message edited by hobbeskat at 9:08 AM, October 21st (Monday)]

catlover50 posted 10/21/2013 09:44 AM

I would say that this is one of those things that time will help. I think you are right to be careful what you say and be as positive as possible.

But don't beat yourself up; most of us did things around Dday that weren't what we would do now.

Good luck.

broken81 posted 10/21/2013 09:50 AM

You should by all means be able to talk to your brother/family when you have a problem. You shouldnt feel bad about that.
Their choice in how they feel about it is just that their choice. You cant control it and dont take the blame for it.
Honestly I can see your brother worrying that it could be awkward, because that is possible. You should have a talk with him, say I would love for you to be here with me and tell him how you feel....Something horrible happened but I still have good things happen in this relationship too and we are working hard.

I too have felt like some couples avoid us and maybe telling them is the reason but that is what i needed at the time. Someone to talk to and if they dont want to continue to support me thats their loss. Just like your sister in law, she is wrong but probably has that silly mentality of it "spreading".

LearnToLoveAgain posted 10/21/2013 09:56 AM

I understand the "not wanting to feel like your marriage is a joke" that's how I feel. Even though it is hard, and I'm still learning this myself, it's you who has to lay your head and heart next to your spouse, not them. They do not live you life if your SO is who you want and YOU want to forgive that's all that matters. Time and proof that your SO has changed is what's goin to help. Like a friend said to me about my WH, "proof is in the pudding. If he's showing remorse to you and making you happy, that's all we care about" ((hugs))

HormonalWoman posted 10/21/2013 10:14 AM

I'm not sure you should assume you are her problem, she's blocked you AND your dh so must have issues with both of you? Has she blocked every other family member who has cheated/been a bs too? I wonder if it's just an excuse?

strongerdaybyday posted 10/21/2013 10:48 AM

I'm not sure you should assume you are her problem, she's blocked you AND your dh so must have issues with both of you? Has she blocked every other family member who has cheated/been a bs too? I wonder if it's just an excuse?

This is what I thought ((HUGS)) to you.

I told people who, now, cannot be "untold" and I wish they could
I regret telling them because (in their eyes) R is a stupid idea...the reason I told them is because, like you, I didn't have a great support network and needed to talk/vent.

hobbeskat posted 10/21/2013 10:50 AM

Probably a bit of an excuse. She doesn't like me. I'm not sure any of my in laws like me :( I want them to, they used to :( I think on some level, they blame me for this.

womaninflux posted 10/21/2013 11:01 AM

Hobbeskat - It's telling about how people react when something like this happens to you. If they really are your friends, they should want to support you. Of course you are going to vent and sound irrational at times. And they should allow you to do so until it becomes unproductive and unhealthy, of course.

One of the good things to come out of this experience is that I realized something very valuable: I have some amazing, awesome friends who really care about me and my well being. I found that I did not have to be angry at my H alone...they were angry right along with me. But they also were supportive of our efforts to reconcile.

You do have to be careful about what you say to people...everyone has their limitations. I had one friend - who overall has been super supportive - who was getting angry/frustrated with me because I was, from her perspective, being too passive about dealing with my H. She said something like "If you don't want to take my advice, then stop complaining about it." My therapist suggested I say something very calm to her such as "Jane, if you are really a friend, then you will listen to me and support me and not expect me to take your advice. It's most helpful to me if you just listen to me."

sunshine226 posted 10/21/2013 11:05 AM

Unless they have been through it, it is hard for them to understand your feelings and your choices

And even if they have, if you decide differently then they did, that too can be difficult for them to understand

Do what you feel is right and just work on your relationship/marriage

In time, if they are meant to be in your life, they will be. If not, it will be their loss

Hang in there

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