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Can't handle confrontation

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MJane posted 10/21/2013 09:16 AM

I've been having a good week that came to an end at WE. My H has mentioned that he detached from me before A and didn't know "how to communicate with me" - what really worries me about how he handles things, and perhaps this is learned behavior from his family - is that he cannot handle confrontation - he is still not taking family calls, it took me being really angry to get him to get STD tested and he has moments when I know he finds talking about the A "too much" - he is going to IC for first time this week - I just hope he actually opens up to a counsellor as I think he has a tendency to run away from life (indeed the fact he blamed our lack of communication post miscarriages - which I know was the case as I was in a lot of pain - as a cause of his detachment worries me as he chose an A rather than dealing with a painful subject). Anyone else have a spouse who has shown such behavior??

Nutty1 posted 10/21/2013 10:36 AM

I had a baby that was stillborn at full term early August. My husband had been having an EA up to that point with my best friend. We couldn't talk to each other either, me at first & then him. Within weeks he ran off & started to live with her!

He's like he's turned into a different person, he doesn't give a crap about the kids or me its all about him! Him choosing this path is by no means a reflection on you! I just wanted to tell you that you are by no means alone, I've had some brilliant advice & support in this forum. I've done the 180 thing & it does help to detach yourself alot! Whenever I feel like crap & reaching out to him I read this instead. Get some counselling & meds sorted ASAP! You will have it whirling around in your head for along while to come yet!

You have made the first steps by coming on here for support, I'm relatively new here myself but other people take time to write to you & it really does offer alot of comfort & support (((HUGS)))

Nutty xxxx

MJane posted 10/22/2013 07:53 AM

Nutty - sending a big hug to you as I can only imagine how tough that must have been and still is for you - am getting IC and it is helping a lot - having a child does mean I can't get to wallow and they do have a way of bringing a smile to our faces don't they? I have been feeling so sad feels like I have had two years of my life wasted and I come back to the same question of whether I want to waste any more in thinking about R - my H says he loves me and always did (conveniently shelved that while sleeping with his co-worker for 19 months of course)....I look at myself in the mirror and hate the indecision and sadness I see. It doesn't seem to get better with time - good days and hours and then very bad days and not-so-good...

tushnurse posted 10/22/2013 08:31 AM

MJ - I know it's hard to let go and hope that he does what will help you both, but you really have no control over this.
The fact that he is willing to go is a great first step. It takes some folks a while to really be honest with themselves, and start dealin with the difficult stuff. Confict Avoidance can be detrimental to any relationship, and it is usually fear driven. Fear that you are going to make someone else mad, or let them down. I have this particular issue myself, but what I found was if you actually face that hard stuff head on, and talk about it, the fear disappears, and the person that you are dealing with the conflict on is usually very appreciative for your candor, and upfrontedness. He just needs practice. He needs to feel safe and not judged, and I know that is a shit sandwich for you to eat, since he has destroyed your trust. But it is true. 7 principles has some exercises in it (I think) that helped me to be less this way, but I still find myself doing it esp with the really hard stuff.

((((and strength))))

Nutty1 posted 10/22/2013 08:37 AM

I hate the indecision as well. I have decided to file for D. I'm not hanging around waiting for him to make his mind up messing us around anymore! All this has happened so suddenly I'm still kind of numb to all of it, u r lucky your husband was at least willing to try & reconcile; that was probably the more difficult option to take. It's a good thing he's going for IC, my husband just fucked off & left us to it!

The kids are what has kept me going, I'd probably still be in bed otherwise. I feel like I'm in limbo land & I don't no what's going to happen next but it won't be with him that's for sure

Nutty x

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