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Not sure about my IC

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AmberDust posted 10/21/2013 09:32 AM

I’ve talked to my IC about the OW. For the obvious reasons OW is nothing but bad news to me.

My counselor once told me it could well be possible that OW is a very nice person, and not the evil person I think she is, if you set aside the A part. A wonderful mother, daughter, maybe employee of the month, and most of the time a great wife to her own H.

She proposed the story of a mother visiting her son in jail after he had committed a crime. The mother stlll loves her son, is not able to talk to him about his crime, because she cannot forgive him for it, but she still wants to visit him and be with him. Because apart from his crime, he is still that same wonderful boy she gave birth to and used to know as a loving son. So besides him committing this crime, he is still a good person to her.

Oh, and my counselor also shook her head a while back, when I informed her of my intention to tell the OBS.

What do you say ? I stopped IC for a while, and want to go back for several reasons, but I know I will want to punch her in the face if she tries to shed a positive light on OW. To me, OW is not a good person, but a manipulative, lying, bad person that we know for a fact is still, to this day, trying to get my life.

What is your point of view on this ?

Chrysalis123 posted 10/21/2013 09:40 AM

If you feel it is not a good fit, it is not a good fit.

It would bother me too, for the counselor to imply the OW is a good person.

catlover50 posted 10/21/2013 09:41 AM

Yikes, AmberDust, that would be hard to hear.

My take on OW/OM is that they are broken like our WSs. Sometimes more so, sometimes less so. Most of us hope that our WSs are capable of remorse and lasting change, so it is possible that OW are too, but we will never see it. Sometimes our WSs seem downright cruel, and I have seen that with some OP as well. We can't really know who they are as a total package, just how they effect our lives, and that effect has been devastating. That's the part that matters to us and usually we don't give a fig who they are at work, etc.

I would have a hard time hearing someone defend the OW, but at this point I just pity her. She ended up wasting years of her life settling for crumbs because she was "lonely" and I have learned some very unattractive things about her. Her first husband left her. She is very messed up, but at least she is leaving us alone. If she wasn't I would be all kinds of pissed off.

Perhaps you could just not talk about her with your IC, or consider changing ICs. She may counsel some OW and tries to be open minded, while you want someone to help bash her. Perhaps that is best left to your friends, or here?

AmberDust posted 10/21/2013 09:57 AM

My take on OW/OM is that they are broken like our WSs

Most of us hope that our WSs are capable of remorse and lasting change, so it is possible that OW are too, but we will never see it

Our OW is definitely broken. My H was too, but he has sorted things out, is extremely ashamed of what he has done and has plowed through his FOO issues in therapy.

OW is forever pining for what she cannot have anymore. She cannot live in the city she wants to live, she cannot have my H, she cannot undo having her kids and so on. We know this because she has told my H and after NC is still announcing her woes on the internets.
She continues to want to live in that fantasy that is the A. She has never wanted to get IC or MC because she is convinced my H will eventually realize he wants to be with her.

So, I guess just not discussing her with the counselor is an option.

How do you feel about a counselor suggesting the OBS should not be informed ?

[This message edited by AmberDust at 9:59 AM, October 21st (Monday)]

Drowninginitall posted 10/21/2013 11:46 AM

I would look for another councilor if you don't feel its a good fit. I have only been to IC so far and I don't think if want mine telling me that. I may be wrong, but that's what I feel.

tushnurse posted 10/21/2013 12:05 PM

In your situation as you have described it, not discussing the impact of the OW on your relationship isnt going to really help you get through your feelings.
Whatever her motivation is in this doesn't matter she has said and done two things that make you uncomfortable, or in your gut you know isn't right.
I would suggest switching counselors.

Not telling the OS - That first of all is none of her business and she shouldn't be making a judgement on it, and I strongly disagree with it. Is the other betrayed spouse just supposed to question his sanity, and accept his dysfuntional relationship?

Nope I would be shopping for a new IC.

sisoon posted 10/21/2013 12:42 PM

Many, if not most, of the remorseful fWSes on SI were ows or oms, because many of their aps were in committed relationships.

My W is an ow, because her ap was M. Your H is apparently an om, because her ap was M.

I find it impossible to condemn aps' humanity while praising my W, so I'm with your IC in that respect.

Note: I certainly can express anger specifically at my W's ap for her participation in the A and for probably seducing my W, but I know nothing about her behavior in the rest of her life.

I'm disturbed by your IC's opposition to informing oBS. 'My' oBS knew before I did, and I sure wish he had told me. Outing the A is also recommended in the few books I've read on this - Shirley Glass, Michele Weiner-Davis, and a couple of others.

It sounds like your IC isn't experienced in infidelity, so maybe finding someone new would help you.

Ashland13 posted 10/21/2013 12:43 PM

If an IC or MC isn't helping, then I wouldn't go. It's a lot of money, a lot of time and commitment and if you don't feel supported, it should be your choice.

My rule, FWIW, is to always give one or two more sessions, though, because even IC's have off days or we have off days. Plus, if it ever goes to court or whatever it can't be so held against you that you gave up abruptly or whatever...I'm not too coherent on this part but it was a concern for me when court came that I be seen in a good light and counseling was part of it.

Also, if you question it yourself, going once more may help end those questions and you won't carry them around.

In some ways I can kind of get what the person was saying, but I don't want to be offensive. I've tried to do the same thing to be more tolerant of XPervert and that's by saying that his cheating isn't the only thing about him.

We have people we know who make the cheating the only thing about the x and it continues to keep them very bitter, years into the future. I think sometimes maybe this is said as a way to think a tiny bit differently about the people involved. Giving you other things to think of and maybe take your mind off the hardest.

Yet it's your right to feel as you do. This I work on, too.

Williesmom posted 10/21/2013 12:50 PM

I would look for another counselor.

I would also tell her that if she ever personally experiences infidelity in her life to give you a call.

Eudaimonia posted 10/21/2013 13:13 PM

Do not waste another minute/dime on someone who you do not feel comfortable with. This is about you and sorting out your feelings (if I'm to understand the process correctly?). If you feel uncomfortable for one second, it's time to find another. There's plenty of them out there.

IMO, their shaking of their head when you mentioned informing the OBS is heinous. That would be enough for me to move on.

As for the OW being a nice person, maybe some are and maybe some aren't. They all made a mistake and in your case, this one hurt you...badly. So, when we are reeling in pain and shock from direct, deliberate actions caused by our WS and OW/M what possible help can it be to tell you that OW in your case was a nice person? Is your IC trying to make you feel that you shouldn't feel hurt by this person's actions? Does your IC know for a fact that OW is a nice person?-because, if so, then by all means IC should lay it out. But if IC does not know that, then it seems as if IC is trying to -at the very least-inflict more pain upon you by saying that. (Or so it seems when we are still hurting over all of this.)

Some OW/M ARE nice people. Some of my own WH's OW and OM are nice people probably, but I don't want them around me, nor am I going to give them a medal any time soon. They have HURT me. INTENTIONALLY. If your IC thinks that someone who has hurt you intentionally is a nice person, they aren't looking at the situation adequately. Have you expressed to your IC that OW in your situation has apologized to you and is truly remorseful? If you have, then I can see where IC is coming from. If not, .......

Her analogy is irrelevant as well. How many crimes does someone have to commit to no longer be a "nice person?"

I think there are many many many OW/M here on SI who are very nice people. I like them, even. I don't know how I would feel about it, though, if I was personally hurt by them. And, neither does your IC. She/he had no right to say that to you while you are still hurting.

AmberDust posted 10/21/2013 14:15 PM

I was researching IC and MC counselors. I found a website from a counselor that states that a WS is somewhat like a whistleblower, because the A is a sign that something is wrong so DD may be a good thing and letting your spouse know you are not happy is good. The next part of the site starts with “Hail to the whistleblower!”. Communicating is a good thing but praising someone for cheating ?

solus sto posted 10/21/2013 14:23 PM

She sounds like a poor fit for you.

It also sounds as though she might not be well-versed in the trauma infidelity causes.

(If my IC tried to shed a positive light on OW, I'd flat out ask her motives. "Why is it important to you that I see OW as anything more than the agent of pain she's been to me?" I'd be curious whether she is an OW---though that's not a given. Which is why I'd want to know why she was intent on humanizing the woman who caused you such pain.)

[This message edited by solus sto at 2:26 PM, October 21st (Monday)]

AmberDust posted 10/21/2013 15:19 PM

I'd be curious whether she is an OW

Do counselors generally reveal personal details ? MIne never did, since counseling is about me and not her, she said.

AmberDust posted 1/12/2014 15:22 PM

Some OW/M ARE nice people. Some of my own WH's OW and OM are nice people probably, but I don't want them around me, nor am I going to give them a medal any time soon. They have HURT me. INTENTIONALLY.

My IC said it was not OW's intention to hurt ME. She just wanted to be with the person she fell in love with. To her, I was not in the equation. So she did not hurt me intentionally.

TheAgonyOfIt posted 1/13/2014 02:07 AM

I think the IC is stating some likely truths, but she's not playing it right. You are far too raw to consider the OW as anything but bad, and your IC should be refocusing your sessions to you primarily and secondarily to your relationship with your husband.

I could definitely see how that would alienate you.

Telling OBS seems also to be a big no no in IC. For many reasons. Especially if motives are not free of revenge, yet, and because consequences can be serious to the point of life threatening.

My suggestion is that you tell her how you feel about how she presents an alternative picture of OW and see how it goes. But she may just not be as sensitive as she needs to be to the rawness of your emotions of betrayal.

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