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LMomof2 posted 10/21/2013 09:43 AM

Hello Everyone,
Less than a week ago, I found out that my husband had a ONS. She called the house and left an irate message for him (which I picked up)after he did not call her afterwards as he had promised...she did not know that she was a ONS as he had made numerous promises to her about their future together. On this message, she told him that after doing online research, she found out he was married with children and what a dirtbag he was for....(spelling out the physical contact). He admitted to me what he had done- how could he lie with this evidence? I have had suspicions of affairs in the past, but this was proof that there most probably were passed indiscretions as well. I threw him out of the house and have filed for divorce. But the pain is so overwhelming, I don't think I can make it through this. and even more importantly to me, the pain that he has caused his daughters as well. I fear for their emotional stability and want to help them through this. By the way, I have been married for 35 years, together for 40 but our children are 16 and 20. I just need to talk with others who understand. My friends are supportive but really don't know the pain. Bless you all who are reading this.

Merlin posted 10/21/2013 10:02 AM

You are in the midst of a shattering moment, for you, your marriage and your family.

Spend some time in the 'Healing Library'.

All you felt was solid, real and important has been assaulted. So try to breathe deeply and by a person you least expect to do it.

Best if you make no snap decisions for a while. But do not ignore how serious this is and how much it hurts.

As it became clear what I was dealing with, I began to see a therapist, first for crisis management and then for wound and pain management. You may want to consider that.

You have found a good and safe place at SI. Welcome to a place that no one ever wants to join but is nonetheless a godsend.

TheAmazingWondertwin posted 10/21/2013 10:12 AM

Welcome Lmom- although I know this is not a place one ever wants to be "welcomed" to.

I know that you are in devestataion mode right now. The important thing is to take care of yourself right now.
Eat, drink plenty of water, and do not pressure yourself to do decide ANYTHING right now.

I remember the pain of just finding out and it can shatter everything you thought you knew.

You are free to post here- read as much as you can, see that (unfortunately) you are not alone in this.
Everyone here has dealt with this in some fashion.
for me, this site has been amazing.
You are safe here. You have a place to come to vent. You have a place to come for advice.

((((((LMomof2)))))) hugs for you in this very very difficult time.

LMomof2 posted 10/21/2013 10:24 AM

Thank you, Merlin and Wondertwin, for you quick response and kind words of support. At this time and for the first time since Dday (I'm just learning the abbreviations),I feel as if I am going to lose it. I have shed no tears until right now and I feel out of control. I will heed your advice but will still need you and others to talk to...and I hope to help others as well. I haven't felt this way since my father died many years ago...physically shaking and feeling like I have no control over my life anymore...I just can't believe there are so many others that have the same situation and have heard the same lies and denials from their spouses as I have. It's as if all of the adulterers have read from the same script. Horrifying, Again, thank you so much for being here for me.

SoVerySadNow posted 10/21/2013 10:37 AM

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this, like us. It's not fair. It's awful.
Yes, it feels much like when you lost your father, because you are mourning this loss too.

You didn't cause this, and you don't deserve this. I know you'll still doubt this for at least awhile. And you will re-examine your years together with your husband looking for any signs of a slippery slope. It does seem like they have a Cheater's manual, doesn't it?

The advice you've been given here by Merlin and Wondertwin is good. Read a lot. No decisions are necessary. Take it slow, and take care of yourself.

Come here whenever you need and post or just read. We're here, and understand. I'm sorry you have to be here too.

painfulpast posted 10/21/2013 10:42 AM

LMomof2, I can feel the pain you are in in your words. I am so deeply sorry for what you are feeling right now. Yes, you have found people that do understand the confusion and never ending pain that comes in the beginning, and how hard it is to simply carry on.

As the days pass, things will become clearer, and you won’t feel quite so overwhelmed. Where you are now is a very dark place, but very soon you will feel better. The pain will be there, but you’ll feel a little more sure of your actions and yourself.

We are all here for you – to answer questions, provide our examples of how others have dealt with the pain of infidelity, and to simply hear you when you need to cry, scream or ramble on. We have been where you are, and we made it. You will too, but you need to be gentle with yourself. Make sure that you’re drinking enough fluids, and if you can’t eat, buy some ensure or other nutrition shake to have to keep you going. Take care of you first so you can continue to care for your children.

We hear you LMomof2, and we’re with you, however you want to deal with this, we’re with you.

heartache101 posted 10/21/2013 10:45 AM


I am so sorry for your pain but thankful you found us.
Please take care of you see that you have filed and such so you know your rights.

I recommend seeing a good therapist for you. One that deals with long term marriages that have infidelity experience. It is amazing what a good therapist can do for you! I was lucky enough to have one here in my small area..

Eat drink plenty of fluids and exercise..

Drowninginitall posted 10/21/2013 10:48 AM

I am so sorry for your pain. This is a good place to be for advice, support and for someone who can listen and understand.
A therapist is a great place to start for you. I found it was the only place to talk without feeling the guilt of unloading my problems on someone else. They will be able to help with regards to your children as well.
Good luck with your journey.

betrayedme2 posted 10/21/2013 11:16 AM

Hugs LMomof2, lots of them! So sorry.

Like what the others have said, take time to make decisions that will have lasting effect. Most importantly take care of yourself and your kids. Kids are resilient though.

You've found a great place to come to and a great place just to talk, vent, complain, get solice...whatever you want it to be.

Therapists help, which includes pastors. You're right, even the closest of friends don't understand.

It'll be a long road with many ups and downs, but days to get brighter with time...

Wishing you the best with all!

angerisme posted 10/21/2013 11:25 AM

I am praying for you to find some peace during this nightmare time in your life. You can not possibly come to any conclusions right now. Just like being in a bad car accident, your body is physically in shock, and your brain has started to divert energy to the physical body that is in distress. You should sleep as often as possible. FORCE yourself to eat high energy food, and eat lots of fruits & vegetables. Many of us are unable to eat so trying drinking protein shakes (Ensure) for the short run. Finally, hug your kids and take them to the park. Focus all your waking hours to PLAYING with the kids or watching them play. Do not even think about believing a word your husband says. They always start out as ONS lol. Read the healing library here and you will begin to make lots of friends who will give you amazing support and information. YOU WILL SURVIVE THIS AND BE A STRONGER, HAPPIER PERSON WHEN IT IS RESOLVED. God never gives us more than we can handle. Discover the bitch that lives inside of you. Turn off feelings for or about your husband and devote your thoughts to those precious kids. The time will come when you will deal with the betrayal.

angerisme posted 10/21/2013 11:29 AM

My apologies, your kids are teens. When I found out I took my 14 year old to Disneyworld. I also took her and her friends to the movies every weekend. Find things to do with them even if you are just an observer. I also bought a Canon Rebel and 3 books on digital photography so now I make money with my photographs. The point is...FOCUS on your future as relief from the turmoil your body is experiencing. What you have been dealt is DEVASTATING. I am here for you.

devasted30 posted 10/21/2013 11:30 AM

So sorry you are here. We are all in the same boat - some are just further along in their journey. The pain is excruciating. Worse than losing a loved one in some ways. Just know that we are here for you and want to help if we can. Sometimes just sharing your thoughts and knowing other people understand helps. I chose R with my WS but had no one who could sympathize because I didn't know anyone who had stayed. I am travelling a road that no one I know has been on and it is a difficult path. It will take you a very long time to feel anywhere near normal again - in fact, you'll never feel that way will have a "new normal". But, just know that it will happen. Time will lessen the pain, though at this time, I am sure you find that incredibly hard to believe. Take time for yourself - eat, sleep if you can, drink lots of fluids and exercise. I know it sounds trite, but it is what you need right now. My kids were amazing - something that they shouldn't have had to go through - something that they should never witness, but they were there for me as I'm sure you kids will be there for you. Support each other and know that even though it seems impossible, you will get through it. This is a huge shock to your system - take your time and breath

[This message edited by devasted30 at 11:31 AM, October 21st (Monday)]

LMomof2 posted 10/21/2013 11:50 AM

My ((((HUGS)))) to each and every one of you. Out of your pain has come wisdom and the passion to help others. You are all truly amazing people. Thank you once again for being here to help.

LMomof2 posted 10/21/2013 12:29 PM

My head is spinning as this is all so new. How could I be with someone for over 40 years from the age of 18 and not know them for the person that they are??

painfulpast posted 10/21/2013 13:16 PM

We've all asked the same type of question, and the answer is sadly simple: It is easy to deceive someone that trusts you. We trusted our spouses, so deceiving us was easy.

angerisme posted 10/21/2013 13:19 PM

Painfulpast is correct imo. Now that you know to watch him, you will be surprised what is easily revealed. Begin to take note of his average daily behaviors. Watch for patterns or broken patterns and NEVER underestimate the bizarre crap they will do in order to cheat. Creeps.

Crushed1 posted 10/21/2013 22:30 PM

((((LMomof2)))) I am sorry you're hurting, betrayal is one of the most devastating things to deal with. 40 years together and suddenly your world has been ripped from beneath your feet. You will survive this but it may take a while, 2-5 years is what most counselors say it will take to wade through the mess.

Have you considered IC for your daughters or yourself? I went for 3 years and it was helpful but the best help I ever received was from SI. (((LM&daughters)))

Laura28 posted 10/22/2013 07:02 AM


Hi honey and BIG HUGS

I remember when I first found this site I felt like there was no one in the world who could understand my situation.

How could there be?

I had been married for 28 years and had discovered that my H had been having long term affairs (LTAs)for most of the marriage.

I was astounded to discover that there are many of us in this situation.

It is heartbreaking. One thing I discovered though, is that just when you think nothing could be worse you read a story..... and think Dear God... I thought my situation was so bad but how could anyone survive THAT!!!???

But we do. We survive. It takes a long time sadly but we get there.

I just need to talk with others who understand. My friends are supportive but really don't know the pain. Bless you all who are reading this.

There are many thousands here who do understand and who will always be willing to help. Unfortunately those who have never experienced it rarely understand and as time goes on will expect you to "move on" or "get over it".

That's where SI is so wonderful. It takes 2-5 years to recover honey and the real world doesn't understand that.

Keep coming back. Share your questions, your fears, your worries, your suspicions, your highs and your lows, your successes and your challenges and know we will be here for you.

Take care


LMomof2 posted 10/22/2013 08:35 AM

Thank you all for your words of wisdom and encouragement. The emotional roller coaster is beginning...I thought I was handling it stoically but I find myself having fits of anger and then crying uncontrollably. In private. Here is the latest! The ONS called me (left voice message)to tell my how devastated she was about what happened. She felt it important for me to know that she was not a sl*t and that my H told her that he was single. That she was lonely and vulnerable and that he played on her vulnerability. How messed up is that phone call? What do I make of it? By the way, she is close to my young chickie.
I still believe my H owns this problem. HE did this. HE allowed it to happen. But what do I make of this phone call?

[This message edited by LMomof2 at 9:18 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday)]

Laura28 posted 10/23/2013 02:06 AM

Hi honey

In my case I spoke to all 4 OWs. OWzero swore they never had sex. OW1 told me I was nuts and should just "get over it". I received a heartfelt letter of apology from OW2 and a few weeks later she offered my FWH a secret phone so they could keep in touch. OW3 told me she was really sorry and a few weeks later told FWH she would forgive him for cheating on her with OW2 and take him back.

So. In my case the OWs were all heartless and/or liars. Having said that, there probably are "innocent" OWs out there who don't know the WS is married. Who knows?

But sweetie. Truly. Who cares??? She is nothing to you. Her motives are irrelevant.

In my case I really enjoyed hating the OWs for quite a while. I knew they were remorseless sluts and it gave me some satisfaction to see the karma bus take them out. If you hate this woman that's OK. Whatever works for you at present.

In your case this woman may or may not be innocent. If she is innocent you will never hear from her again. If she is guilty then you may find out. I hope you do. Hopefully your H will be honest and tell you he lied to her and that she is innocent. Ask him. Watch his reaction. His body language etc. Look him in the eye when you ask and don't take your eyes off him. When you ask him ANY questions, ask and then stay silent. People can't help themselves. They have to fill silences. Just see what comes.

I do however wonder about your statement that

he had made numerous promises to her about their future together

This seems a little odd to me but maybe it's just my post infidelity paranoia.

Whatever. Listen carefully to all he says. If something is suspicious don't confront him about it until later. Think about it and see if it make sense and then ask. Write it down. Keep a journal. Liars find it hard to be consistent. If he is lying sooner or later he will slip up.l



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