Spend some time in the 'Healing Library'.
All you felt was solid, real and important has been assaulted. So try to breathe deeply and by a person you least expect to do it.
Best if you make no snap decisions for a while. But do not ignore how serious this is and how much it hurts.
As it became clear what I was dealing with, I began to see a therapist, first for crisis management and then for wound and pain management. You may want to consider that.
You have found a good and safe place at SI. Welcome to a place that no one ever wants to join but is nonetheless a godsend.
Her: WW/57 Me: BS/63 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11
I know that you are in devestataion mode right now. The important thing is to take care of yourself right now.
Eat, drink plenty of water, and do not pressure yourself to do decide ANYTHING right now.
I remember the pain of just finding out and it can shatter everything you thought you knew.
You are free to post here- read as much as you can, see that (unfortunately) you are not alone in this.
Everyone here has dealt with this in some fashion.
for me, this site has been amazing.
You are safe here. You have a place to come to vent. You have a place to come for advice.
((((((LMomof2)))))) hugs for you in this very very difficult time.
You didn't cause this, and you don't deserve this. I know you'll still doubt this for at least awhile. And you will re-examine your years together with your husband looking for any signs of a slippery slope. It does seem like they have a Cheater's manual, doesn't it?
The advice you've been given here by Merlin and Wondertwin is good. Read a lot. No decisions are necessary. Take it slow, and take care of yourself.
Come here whenever you need and post or just read. We're here, and understand. I'm sorry you have to be here too.
As the days pass, things will become clearer, and you won’t feel quite so overwhelmed. Where you are now is a very dark place, but very soon you will feel better. The pain will be there, but you’ll feel a little more sure of your actions and yourself.
We are all here for you – to answer questions, provide our examples of how others have dealt with the pain of infidelity, and to simply hear you when you need to cry, scream or ramble on. We have been where you are, and we made it. You will too, but you need to be gentle with yourself. Make sure that you’re drinking enough fluids, and if you can’t eat, buy some ensure or other nutrition shake to have to keep you going. Take care of you first so you can continue to care for your children.
We hear you LMomof2, and we’re with you, however you want to deal with this, we’re with you.
I am so sorry for your pain but thankful you found us.
Please take care of you see that you have filed and such so you know your rights.
I recommend seeing a good therapist for you. One that deals with long term marriages that have infidelity experience. It is amazing what a good therapist can do for you! I was lucky enough to have one here in my small area..
Eat drink plenty of fluids and exercise..
Like what the others have said, take time to make decisions that will have lasting effect. Most importantly take care of yourself and your kids. Kids are resilient though.
You've found a great place to come to and a great place just to talk, vent, complain, get solice...whatever you want it to be.
Therapists help, which includes pastors. You're right, even the closest of friends don't understand.
It'll be a long road with many ups and downs, but days to get brighter with time...
Wishing you the best with all!
[This message edited by devasted30 at 11:31 AM, October 21st (Monday)]
Have you considered IC for your daughters or yourself? I went for 3 years and it was helpful but the best help I ever received was from SI. (((LM&daughters)))
Hi honey and BIG HUGS
I remember when I first found this site I felt like there was no one in the world who could understand my situation.
How could there be?
I had been married for 28 years and had discovered that my H had been having long term affairs (LTAs)for most of the marriage.
I was astounded to discover that there are many of us in this situation.
It is heartbreaking. One thing I discovered though, is that just when you think nothing could be worse you read a story..... and think Dear God... I thought my situation was so bad but how could anyone survive THAT!!!???
But we do. We survive. It takes a long time sadly but we get there.
I just need to talk with others who understand. My friends are supportive but really don't know the pain. Bless you all who are reading this.
There are many thousands here who do understand and who will always be willing to help. Unfortunately those who have never experienced it rarely understand and as time goes on will expect you to "move on" or "get over it".
That's where SI is so wonderful. It takes 2-5 years to recover honey and the real world doesn't understand that.
Keep coming back. Share your questions, your fears, your worries, your suspicions, your highs and your lows, your successes and your challenges and know we will be here for you.
[This message edited by LMomof2 at 9:18 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday)]
In my case I spoke to all 4 OWs. OWzero swore they never had sex. OW1 told me I was nuts and should just "get over it". I received a heartfelt letter of apology from OW2 and a few weeks later she offered my FWH a secret phone so they could keep in touch. OW3 told me she was really sorry and a few weeks later told FWH she would forgive him for cheating on her with OW2 and take him back.
So. In my case the OWs were all heartless and/or liars. Having said that, there probably are "innocent" OWs out there who don't know the WS is married. Who knows?
But sweetie. Truly. Who cares??? She is nothing to you. Her motives are irrelevant.
In my case I really enjoyed hating the OWs for quite a while. I knew they were remorseless sluts and it gave me some satisfaction to see the karma bus take them out. If you hate this woman that's OK. Whatever works for you at present.
In your case this woman may or may not be innocent. If she is innocent you will never hear from her again. If she is guilty then you may find out. I hope you do. Hopefully your H will be honest and tell you he lied to her and that she is innocent. Ask him. Watch his reaction. His body language etc. Look him in the eye when you ask and don't take your eyes off him. When you ask him ANY questions, ask and then stay silent. People can't help themselves. They have to fill silences. Just see what comes.
I do however wonder about your statement that
he had made numerous promises to her about their future together
This seems a little odd to me but maybe it's just my post infidelity paranoia.
Whatever. Listen carefully to all he says. If something is suspicious don't confront him about it until later. Think about it and see if it make sense and then ask. Write it down. Keep a journal. Liars find it hard to be consistent. If he is lying sooner or later he will slip up.l