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Newest Member: Nexttome (45693)

User Topic: Is this appropriate?
Sleepy312
♀ 38360
Member # 38360
Default  Posted: 9:58 AM, October 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My FWH is having lunch with the woman I mentioned before(that cheated on her first husband and divorced him for the affair), and H doesn't know I know he has plans with her, and she signed the last email to him "love, her name".

His last email finalizing date/time ended with this

the important thing is of course the pleasure of your company, and x stories.

Yes, I am paranoid and untrusting. This is a former work colleague, H was friends with her first husband, she tried hard to get H to interview at her firm. The lack of disclosure says enough to me.

Thoughts?


Me 41
Dh 40
Married 11...he forgot our anniversary among other things. Every birthday, holdiay, whatever is forever ruined.

Together 17 years
Two great kids.

He doesn't get it. Moving us to his hometown with his toxic mother is going to


Posts: 507 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Nj
maddmurph
♂ 40940
Member # 40940
Default  Posted: 10:05 AM, October 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm gonna go with no. I know if it was my wife and she wanted to see a former guy from work, I would say no. That sounds like all kinds of bad news to me.


Me - BS, 33
Her - WW, 33
DS 7, DD 3

Posts: 129 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: OH
LoveActually
♀ 31030
Member # 31030
Default  Posted: 10:12 AM, October 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Definitely inappropriate. As far as I'm concerned there is no way my husband would be allowed to go to that lunch. The fact that he didn't tell you about it is very concerning. His only job should be supporting you and helping to slowly rebuild that trust he has destroyed--not the way to go about it. I would confront him immediately and either he he should be cancelling the lunch or taking you with him.


BS (Me)
WS (Him)
D-Day 5/29/09
Married 11 yrs, together 16 yrs

Posts: 785 | Registered: Jan 2011
overandone
39162
Member # 39162
Default  Posted: 10:30 AM, October 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No, not appropriate. We discussed this sort of thing very recently, 19 months post d-day. Our boundaries are no lunches, meetings, walks, talks, e-mails etc with any woman on his own. No exceptions, H quite happy with that.

Sounds like she's fishing and he's taking the bait, especially as he hasn't told you, you found out. Certainly wouldn't be happy with the way he signed off.

If you know when and where they plan to meet I would so love you to just turn up and see his face. But maybe that's just me with the old bitch boots on..


Me - BW (54)
Him - fWS (61)
kiddies - daughters 22 and 27,son 22,
d-day - April 18 2012
R - but lots of bumps in the long road

Posts: 233 | Registered: May 2013 | From: uk
Ostrich80
34827
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 10:45 AM, October 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Inappropriate any which way you dress it up.


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 5235 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
betrayedme2
♂ 40639
Member # 40639
Default  Posted: 10:45 AM, October 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Definitely does not pass the smell test!! Maybe show up at the lunch yourself, about 5 minutes late?


dday: 1/19/13
ME: mid 40's
WW: low 40'3
2 daughters, 17, 21
Reconciling

Posts: 83 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest
bionicgal
♀ 39803
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, October 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Holy f-bomb.
No.


me - BS (45) - DDay - June 2013
A was 2+ months, EA/PA
In MC & Reconciling
"Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point to move forward." -- C.S. Lewis.

Posts: 2139 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
LivingALie
♀ 17217
Member # 17217
Default  Posted: 11:02 AM, October 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There is only one scenario where this would be appropriate -and that would be if they were embarking on an affair.

Otherwise - NO, this is not appropriate at all!


Me: BS
H had LTA with co-worker
Both mid-50s
Two sons - grown and on their own
DD - April 2010
Please note registration date is not correct. See my profile for details
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 1267 | Registered: Nov 2007
Sleepy312
♀ 38360
Member # 38360
Default  Posted: 11:08 AM, October 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, what am I supposed to do? The reason I know is because I have spyware. He will totally gaslight me if I say something, and I've lied about *how* I found out about other things to cover my use of spyware.

He works an hour away. There's no way I can just show up.


Me 41
Dh 40
Married 11...he forgot our anniversary among other things. Every birthday, holdiay, whatever is forever ruined.

Together 17 years
Two great kids.

He doesn't get it. Moving us to his hometown with his toxic mother is going to


Posts: 507 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Nj
fourever
♀ 30631
Member # 30631
Default  Posted: 11:19 AM, October 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

2x4 coming, gently I hope!
You know its' not. Time to call him out.. Unless you've set no rules.

You know he's lying to you. So, you close your eyes and let him go, or you pull up your boots and set the parameters of your marriage. NOW.

You have spyware why?! Oh, because he's a liar, and you do not trust him.
She's setting up her next gig, and its him.
You're own tag line tells you.


In R since shortly after DD.
Discovered what was right in front of him and nearly lost.

Always, tell the other BS! Always!

"It's hard to be in love when you can't tell lies"!


Posts: 894 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Northeast
Drowninginitall
♀ 40968
Member # 40968
Default  Posted: 11:21 AM, October 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I won't tell you what I would do at this point with my situation, but that is very extremely inappropriate. I'm sorry you're going through this.

Posts: 119 | Registered: Oct 2013
fourever
♀ 30631
Member # 30631
Default  Posted: 11:24 AM, October 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I too, would show up, with my attorney's card for him.


In R since shortly after DD.
Discovered what was right in front of him and nearly lost.

Always, tell the other BS! Always!

"It's hard to be in love when you can't tell lies"!


Posts: 894 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Northeast
tushnurse
♀ 21101
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, October 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yup I would show up. If that's not an option, then I would ask him about lunch, and see what you find out, then when the next lunch is set up you will have time to arrange to show up as well.

In the meantime go see a lawyer. He is definitely crossing a line, and you know it.

((((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Eudaimonia
♀ 32445
Member # 32445
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, October 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sleepy312,
No, this is not appropriate in any way.

You set up the spyware knowing that you might find something like this. You mind (maybe subconsciously?) has been working out the scenarios and possible outcomes since you decided to install it. Maybe it's time to confront? Is there a way to confront without admitting to the spyware? You knew this was coming. What is the next step?


So long, and thanks for all the fish!

Posts: 472 | Registered: Jun 2011
FightingBack
♀ 34770
Member # 34770
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, October 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would ask a question that would open the door for him to mention the lunch. If it is "innocent", he should tell you.

If he doesn't..........you could phone him when you think he is at lunch, to see if he answers. If he does, and tells you exactly where he is and with whom, you should plan to have a discussion on boundaries.

If he doesn't........I think it is time to confront. just NEVER tell how you found out. He may think someone you know saw them.

Hope it doesn't come to this.


Me 53
WH 58
Married 25 years
4 children S30,D24, S23,S21
D-Day Nov. 29, 2011
15 year affair with married employee.
Together trying to make sense of it all!

Posts: 809 | Registered: Feb 2012
sisoon
♂ 31240
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, October 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm over it. I think it's time for him to be sent out with the trash.

That's your tagline. What's keeping you from following through? (That's a question, not a challenge.)

Given your tagline, though, and given your expectation that your H will lie, what's keeping you from taking action to protect yourself from his lies?

[This message edited by sisoon at 3:33 PM, October 21st (Monday)]


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10570 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
rachelc
♀ 30314
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, October 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

the important thing is of course the pleasure of your company,

if my husband said/wrote anything like this my decision would be crystal clear. Married men don't say things like that to other women....


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5470 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
overandone
39162
Member # 39162
Default  Posted: 3:27 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"He works an hour away. There's no way I can just show up."

Because.....?

If it's a transport problem I would beg, borrow or steal a car or a lift to get there. If it was 5 minutes round the corner your H would still be surprised to see you, and would know it was not just coincidence that you turn up at the same time and place as him.

So if t'was me that's what I'd do. But first have a very clear conversation with your H about boundaries and where you think they should be drawn, so that he can't turn round later and fob you off with "she was only a friend, didn't think you'd mind, not planning more than a friendly lunch etc etc."


Me - BW (54)
Him - fWS (61)
kiddies - daughters 22 and 27,son 22,
d-day - April 18 2012
R - but lots of bumps in the long road

Posts: 233 | Registered: May 2013 | From: uk
overandone
39162
Member # 39162
Default  Posted: 3:37 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just a thought. Don't you hate this sort of thing? Before d-day I never dreamt of sneaking through fWH's stuff looking for clues about what he'd been up to , my d-day was the only time I had EVER gone through his e-mails.And how glad I am that I did, and how I wished I'd been a nosy wife and not totally trusting long before. Hindsight, what a wonderful thing it is.


Me - BW (54)
Him - fWS (61)
kiddies - daughters 22 and 27,son 22,
d-day - April 18 2012
R - but lots of bumps in the long road

Posts: 233 | Registered: May 2013 | From: uk
Thessalian
♀ 40633
Member # 40633
Default  Posted: 3:47 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Best case scenario, it's insanely careless. But I agree with this:

I would ask a question that would open the door for him to mention the lunch. If it is "innocent", he should tell you.

I would open the door for him to tell you with something innocent. If he doesn't, unleash hell.


Me: BW, 30
Him: WH, 36

7 years of double-digit ONS, LTA, hookers - the works.

First found out: August 20, 2013
Whole truth: January 1, 2014


Posts: 164 | Registered: Sep 2013
Topic Posts: 36
Pages: 1 · 2

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