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Is this appropriate?

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Sleepy312 posted 10/21/2013 09:58 AM

My FWH is having lunch with the woman I mentioned before(that cheated on her first husband and divorced him for the affair), and H doesn't know I know he has plans with her, and she signed the last email to him "love, her name".

His last email finalizing date/time ended with this

the important thing is of course the pleasure of your company, and x stories.

Yes, I am paranoid and untrusting. This is a former work colleague, H was friends with her first husband, she tried hard to get H to interview at her firm. The lack of disclosure says enough to me.

Thoughts?

maddmurph posted 10/21/2013 10:05 AM

I'm gonna go with no. I know if it was my wife and she wanted to see a former guy from work, I would say no. That sounds like all kinds of bad news to me.

LoveActually posted 10/21/2013 10:12 AM

Definitely inappropriate. As far as I'm concerned there is no way my husband would be allowed to go to that lunch. The fact that he didn't tell you about it is very concerning. His only job should be supporting you and helping to slowly rebuild that trust he has destroyed--not the way to go about it. I would confront him immediately and either he he should be cancelling the lunch or taking you with him.

overandone posted 10/21/2013 10:30 AM

No, not appropriate. We discussed this sort of thing very recently, 19 months post d-day. Our boundaries are no lunches, meetings, walks, talks, e-mails etc with any woman on his own. No exceptions, H quite happy with that.

Sounds like she's fishing and he's taking the bait, especially as he hasn't told you, you found out. Certainly wouldn't be happy with the way he signed off.

If you know when and where they plan to meet I would so love you to just turn up and see his face. But maybe that's just me with the old bitch boots on..

Ostrich80 posted 10/21/2013 10:45 AM

Inappropriate any which way you dress it up.

betrayedme2 posted 10/21/2013 10:45 AM

Definitely does not pass the smell test!! Maybe show up at the lunch yourself, about 5 minutes late?

bionicgal posted 10/21/2013 10:54 AM

Holy f-bomb.
No.

LivingALie posted 10/21/2013 11:02 AM

There is only one scenario where this would be appropriate -and that would be if they were embarking on an affair.

Otherwise - NO, this is not appropriate at all!

Sleepy312 posted 10/21/2013 11:08 AM

So, what am I supposed to do? The reason I know is because I have spyware. He will totally gaslight me if I say something, and I've lied about *how* I found out about other things to cover my use of spyware.

He works an hour away. There's no way I can just show up.

fourever posted 10/21/2013 11:19 AM

2x4 coming, gently I hope!
You know its' not. Time to call him out.. Unless you've set no rules.

You know he's lying to you. So, you close your eyes and let him go, or you pull up your boots and set the parameters of your marriage. NOW.

You have spyware why?! Oh, because he's a liar, and you do not trust him.
She's setting up her next gig, and its him.
You're own tag line tells you.

Drowninginitall posted 10/21/2013 11:21 AM

I won't tell you what I would do at this point with my situation, but that is very extremely inappropriate. I'm sorry you're going through this.

fourever posted 10/21/2013 11:24 AM

I too, would show up, with my attorney's card for him.

tushnurse posted 10/21/2013 11:26 AM

Yup I would show up. If that's not an option, then I would ask him about lunch, and see what you find out, then when the next lunch is set up you will have time to arrange to show up as well.

In the meantime go see a lawyer. He is definitely crossing a line, and you know it.

((((and strength))))

Eudaimonia posted 10/21/2013 11:47 AM

Sleepy312,
No, this is not appropriate in any way.

You set up the spyware knowing that you might find something like this. You mind (maybe subconsciously?) has been working out the scenarios and possible outcomes since you decided to install it. Maybe it's time to confront? Is there a way to confront without admitting to the spyware? You knew this was coming. What is the next step?

FightingBack posted 10/21/2013 11:47 AM

I would ask a question that would open the door for him to mention the lunch. If it is "innocent", he should tell you.

If he doesn't..........you could phone him when you think he is at lunch, to see if he answers. If he does, and tells you exactly where he is and with whom, you should plan to have a discussion on boundaries.

If he doesn't........I think it is time to confront. just NEVER tell how you found out. He may think someone you know saw them.

Hope it doesn't come to this.

sisoon posted 10/21/2013 12:53 PM

I'm over it. I think it's time for him to be sent out with the trash.

That's your tagline. What's keeping you from following through? (That's a question, not a challenge.)

Given your tagline, though, and given your expectation that your H will lie, what's keeping you from taking action to protect yourself from his lies?

[This message edited by sisoon at 3:33 PM, October 21st (Monday)]

rachelc posted 10/21/2013 12:59 PM

the important thing is of course the pleasure of your company,

if my husband said/wrote anything like this my decision would be crystal clear. Married men don't say things like that to other women....

overandone posted 10/22/2013 03:27 AM

"He works an hour away. There's no way I can just show up."

Because.....?

If it's a transport problem I would beg, borrow or steal a car or a lift to get there. If it was 5 minutes round the corner your H would still be surprised to see you, and would know it was not just coincidence that you turn up at the same time and place as him.

So if t'was me that's what I'd do. But first have a very clear conversation with your H about boundaries and where you think they should be drawn, so that he can't turn round later and fob you off with "she was only a friend, didn't think you'd mind, not planning more than a friendly lunch etc etc."

overandone posted 10/22/2013 03:37 AM

Just a thought. Don't you hate this sort of thing? Before d-day I never dreamt of sneaking through fWH's stuff looking for clues about what he'd been up to , my d-day was the only time I had EVER gone through his e-mails.And how glad I am that I did, and how I wished I'd been a nosy wife and not totally trusting long before. Hindsight, what a wonderful thing it is.

Thessalian posted 10/22/2013 03:47 AM

Best case scenario, it's insanely careless. But I agree with this:

I would ask a question that would open the door for him to mention the lunch. If it is "innocent", he should tell you.

I would open the door for him to tell you with something innocent. If he doesn't, unleash hell.

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