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cl131716 posted 10/21/2013 12:35 PM

I was really hoping actually leaving would wake him up and make him want to change but it hasn't. Time to move on I suppose. Since I left he "unfriended" me on facebook and started adding other women. Hurts, I wish it didn't. I caved in and wrote him an e-mail about it. His responses were just more proof he still doesn't get it. How did this happen? How was I duped into thinking he was a good man for so long? I'm so utterly heartbroken. I don't miss him, I miss the illusion of him I had.

These are the e-mail exchanges. Notice how he never even acknowledges what he did wrong (infidelity and false accusations against me)he just blames me for leaving and "giving up".

My initial email to him. I know I was stupid for writing it.
Oh B,
You truly are an idiot. I just want to thank you for proving to me you are EXACTLY the man I thought you were. Thank you for doing all the things I knew you would because it makes all this so much easier for me. You wanted to change, huh? You wanted to fix the wrongs? Hmmmm well not unless you had a payoff right? KNOW this. I saw right through your little "I need clarity" charade. I know what you were actually wanting to know was "is it alright I move on?" and "if I actually put effort in will I get a reward?" Well here is your clarity. Yes it is perfectly okay for you to go fuck other people now. I can see you've already been fishing. I hope you catch a good one. I'll let you in on a secret on the last part of the clarity you seek. You should want to change regardless if I was "committed" or not. The change is for you, not me. The rate you are going I guarantee you will die a lonely man always wondering what went wrong. You're right, you're sick, you NEED HELP. Realize that and you might one day be able to actually have a relationship that doesn't have a miserable end. Really it's up to you. I am so done. Again I thank you so much for showing me who you really are and just how willing you were "fix" things. I will actually have a chance of a happy life now. A new beginning and I so look forward to it. Fix yourself and you may one day have the same. I will be drawing up divorce papers asap. I want to get this over as quickly as possible. Have a nice day.

His response:

ReAlly it's not event like that, how am I suppose to know what u want when u dnt communicate! I am not fishing I don't plan on being with anyone at all!!! All I wanted was u!! And u up and left without any word or communication, no fishing going on at all, like I want someone else!!! Yea right u can never fix things when ur apart, with clarity u can't speak for ur self and tell me?? Why in the heck would I want someone else when we have 2 beautiful boys together????? Things never fix when ur apart! And yes I am goi to get help. I Was saddened when you didn't go get help but I wish u will! I truly do care about you and hope that you find ur self as well. I am not going to date or see anyone am y will see what will come to true light. I am not going to go sleep around and you know that's not me!!!!! I want you to have a happy life that's why by ur request I have not bothered you so you know you are wrong about that, you don't care about me or you wouldn't have left like you did. Everything will come to light and you know it. U wouldn't have done it for the sake of boys if you could cause u want to believe something else u would want your mind to see, I really want you to know that I do did love you and wanted things to work but no communication, of course clarity, how am I supposed to know what you want when u send a message saying that you will want someone else and be happy and to move on???? I'm sorry u feel that way unfortunately u ddnt want to work things out. And I keep saying you will see me for me and not someone looking To hook up after a split I'm not like that!!!!!! I wish you the best and hopefully you will see how much this has been painful!!!!!! I wanted clarity to know that i still had my wife and would work and not just be tossed out like that!!!
Also i want you to know that I always wanted you to be happy I always tried, I wanted you to l know that you were my soulmate and I have lost you. I hope you get the help you need as well for the boys and for your self. Cause I know you need it too! Yes I am afraid of being like my dad I will admit that! But I will do what I can to find my own resolution and be at the best health I can be at for my sons you have brought into this world and I will always be here for them! I will continue my counseling and I will pray that you will consider it for your self like wise, I've always wanted to be civil and I hope u can feel the same way for the boys!

My response:
Actions speak louder than words. You never have. You think you "cared" about me but you have a very funny way of showing it. Don't worry about me. I'm doing the things I need in order to get healthy.

His response:
You will see that you are wrong about me!!! You have a skewed view on our marriage cause u up and left !!! It never works in situations like that!!! I want the best for the boys and you cause you're their mother and I want you to be happy and healthy for them! I will not call names cause it's not right and I do not feel like that about you. I know ur still hurt as am I !!!!! Just please take care of the bubbys for me!!! Since u have taken them away from me!!!! I will pray for you and wish you the best!!!!! I mean it I really do!

My response:
You are so full of crap. Seriously. Adding women on facebook helps us how??? Not even going to respond to the rest. I am doing what I need to get healthy. The first step was seeing through your bullshit and getting away.

His response:
You really know me better than that!!!! Just cause ppl are added u actually think I'm going to do something sheshhhhh come on crystal!!!!!
If you said you cared about me as much as you do then why don't you call and talk ?????! It's that simple!
Answer this how does it help US when u up and leave ? Answer me that!!!! Just so simple for you though huh ?? Just that easy huh???? I have done and respected what u wanted for me not to bother you or anything like that! But obviously it's so easy for you to just run away and not face tough situations and work things out! Call when you want to be sensible and talk an handle this like we're grown ups! You have a good evening as well!!!!!

Then he sent me some link to bible scripture. I know it was dumb of me to even engage in conversation like that. I was having a rough day and feeling very hurt. I swear he has some deep psychological issues and I really wish I would finally accept the fact he will never change.

cl131716 posted 10/21/2013 12:41 PM

Oh and I never said I wanted to see other people. I have no idea where he came up with that. He had been asking for clarity. If I was still committed to the marriage. I told him to consider it over because many things would have to change first. That's when he "unfriended" me and started adding women. Ugh, I am just glad to be done with this.

redrock posted 10/21/2013 14:08 PM

(((cl131716)))

I am sorry that you had to deal with his utter crap.

It feels like his search for 'clarity' is a stalling tactic. All of this 'help' he is talking about.... any of that in place yet?

You have the right to set your requirements for R. If his activities were online, then that means online transparency. You are right to watch his actions, not words. He is adding female friends. You know that he has acted out online in the past. And then has the nerve to lecture you on you how he is not like that. Umm. He has acted out while in a relationship with you, it is within the bounds of possibility to be concerned that he will act out further when you are not in the home.

He seems to think that if he throws enough words at you in a reasonable tone that it means something as significant as actions. Nope. Words are cheap and easy.. thus his lengthy answers. Also. I really am not a fan of throwing around scripture to suit a certain situation/argument.

He is not very humble in the face of his actions. You do not owe him staying and trying. You do not owe him forgiveness. You do not owe a chance to change. If you have set your boundaries, defend them and see all of the extra crap he throws around to distract you for what it is.

Poor him. 'Clarity' is mostly smoke for cake eating IMO.

I do think that you should be clear about what you expect from him(if you have not already) if he wants to move into R with you. You might need to make a bullet list. He seems to need 'help' in understanding what you want. Make it easy on him. Then return to crickets. Or write it here.

[This message edited by redrock at 2:12 PM, October 21st (Monday)]