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she did it again

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shawn8458 posted 10/21/2013 13:38 PM

This is the second time the first time wasnt physical just texting about cheating. But now she went and did it she did have sex with him but they did alot of four play. I still want to work this out but I need help getting over the situation help?

shawn8458 posted 10/21/2013 13:39 PM

Sorry ment to say she didnt have sex with him

purplejacket4 posted 10/21/2013 13:46 PM


I'm sorry you are here but glad you found us. Please read the healing library to the upper left.

Wandering spouses LIE so don't trust that you are getting the truth. Make an appointment for STD checks and do not have sex with her unprotected.

Consider individual counseling for you and maybe marriage counseling. I'll bump a couple of threads you need to read. Also there is a great site for betrayed men in the I Can Relate section.

Read, drink water, exercise and make no hasty decisions.


SeanFLA posted 10/21/2013 14:12 PM


Not to downplay your hurt but trust me odds are more will come out over time. Saying "we just did foreplay" might be her way of telling you something did happen but it wasn't all that bad. She might be feeling you out to see your reaction. Then she will decide if either she feels she's gotten away without telling you all the truth, or will be force to spill everything. So be careful here.

Getting to Happy posted 10/21/2013 15:10 PM

Oh Shawn...I'm so sorry. What a drag.

I'm sorry, I don't have any advise.

But I will say whatever you do there must be consequences. Noticeable consequences.

Take care my friend. Know that you have been heard. We care.

betrayedme2 posted 10/21/2013 15:38 PM

Shawn, sorry you're going through this. What SeanFLA careful. In these situations truth has a way of trickling out. You may be at the head of a pin getting ready to be hit harder. They had foreplay, but not sex? Really??

DefeatedDad posted 10/21/2013 16:15 PM

I kicked my wife out on DDay and I think you should ask your wife to leave.

During the time my wife was gone I went completely dark on her except for Google calender notices to arrange visitation times for the kids. I also went to a lawyer and filed the divorce paperwork. I had her served at work and this is what broke her.

From that day forwards she was lighting up my phone and email begging me to let her come home. After two months I did. I put the D on hold, but the process has not been dismissed yet. Just a phone call to my lawyer and he will file for a new D date.

[This message edited by DefeatedDad at 4:16 PM, October 21st (Monday)]

shawn8458 posted 10/22/2013 09:38 AM

Thank you guys so much for your help... I know it was only foreplay I talked to the guy. She hasnt been able to talk to him period bc I deactivated her fb and turned off her phone. This happened while she was out of state with a guy she only knew for 2 days prior to the event. Im just scared really scared I cant trust her to do anything with out me and I know that will jus drive her away more I can help but to blame myself for what happened bc I feel like I drove her to do it. That whole weekend I was worried sick that something would happen so I couldnt keep my self from asking continuous questions if she did anything or not... she came home tuesday night it happened the night of monday oct 5th. She made me feel so bad about my self bc of the accusations I pressed on her but the whole time she was home she was lying to me I finally got the truth out of her that friday night wen I got home from work. That whole time period from wen it happened to wen she told me we were having sex it jus grosses me out that I touch everything he did and she touched me with the hands she touch him with. I just dont know what to do she said that she dont love me anymore but she wants to. And im still madly in love her that ive been sucking it up and actually treating her like shes the best woman in the world wen she is so obviously not. I still telk her I love her and it kills me wen she dont say it back im begining to lose faith.

betrayedme2 posted 10/22/2013 09:58 AM

Shawn, wake up. Hit the Healing Library and read every word! You're on the roller coaster. Get used to "I love you, but I'm not 'in love' with you". I'm sorry, call me the suspicious type, but do you believe you'll get the truth from either of them? I'm all for R, I'm in R myself, but you've got to be sure, positive that you have the truth and that there's full honesty before R can happen, plus she's got to want the R as well.

As far as sex goes. Is it too soon for you both? A LOT has happened here, even if they didn't have intercourse. There's a lot left to be worked out here and she needs to make a decision, one that unfortunately you have little to do to influence. You're biting from the same shit sandwich we've all had to bite on.

Get one thing. It's not YOUR fault. She's the one who chose to text, sext, flirt, and whatever else. It was consensual, she wasn't forced.

She's probably confused now as well. You caught her, she's probably stunned by that. They all think they're smarter than they are. Even the good cheaters eventually get caught. Speed enough times, you'll get pulled over. You both need time to figure out what each wants and can then begin building plans for whatever the future holds. Time....the mother of all salt in wounds...

Sorry, I wish I could say she'll say she's sorry, it'll never happen again, you're the one for her, she'll love you for eternity, and life will be the same as before. Hopefully it will, maybe it won't. Sorry, you'll be suspicious for a long time, there will be triggers. There will be more peaks and valleys to the roller coaster. Please give strong thought to IC and MC. Check with your employers, many offer assistance (EAP, AAP) that will pay for a certain number of sessions.

Glad you found us here and know you're not alone.

DefeatedDad posted 10/22/2013 11:14 AM

Shawn this is not your fault. Get that through your head.

First thing is you need to calm down and get your emotions in check. You have to admit to yourself you married a cheater. You then have to admit that you have handled this the exact opposite way in which you should have.

Cheaters are extreme people who live in a fantasy land. Your begging and crying and following your wife around like a puppy is only going to make you look weaker and more pathetic to a person who has no respect for you anyways.

Ask her calmly if she wants you or the OM. If she cannot give you an answer or she says she wants the OM ask her to pack and leave the domicile.

Go to a lawyer today for a free consult. Find out what your rights are. Arm yourself with the facts and start filling out the divorce forms.

You need to take back control from your WW. You need to move all your pay over to a bank account just in your name. Cut off her cell phone if you are paying for it. Make her get her own phone. Do not finance their affair.

And they did have sex. They are lying to you. Tell her she's a bald face liar and that you were not born under a rock.

Quit talking to the OM. Why should he tell you the truth? He snagged your woman.

If it had been me your wife would have been out on the curb by now.

[This message edited by DefeatedDad at 11:16 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday)]

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