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Newest Member: jaxonraine (61774)

User Topic: Asking for what you need
♀ 40568
Member # 40568
Default  Posted: 3:26 PM, October 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been in a bad place for a few days now. H got home from a trip, we had one day together and it was ugly.

I'm lonely and incredibly insecure right now. H has worked crazy hours 4 weeks straight without a day off and there are at least 2 more coming. There are severe cutbacks at his job. He's under tremendous pressure.

After the blowup yesterday, I realized that I haven't been very honest with him this week. I've been sad, anxious and disconnected but I didn't share that because I didn't want to add to all he has on his plate right now. In hindsight, that wasn't fair to either if us. Bottling all of it up and having it explode really set us back. But...

I have no idea how to tell him how I'm feeling let alone how to ask for what I need. I'm "fine" one minute, the next I'm crazy insecure. I'm angry and devastated then I'm trying to make peace with what happened in the past and looking forward to a better future. My head is spinning at how quickly everything changes.

H is understandably confused by all if this. He wants to know how I'm feeling and how he can help me, but I'm completely unable to answer either if those questions. "I'm a mess" isn't really specific enough, but I can't articulate specific feelings, causes or solutions.

I know you guys understand, please help me here. Descriptions? Analogies? Resources? I can't handle this pain any more and he can't really help if he doesn't understand the depth and the breadth of my pain.

BS, 54
M 10 years
second marriage, second WH
4 kids in their 20s

Posts: 438 | Registered: Sep 2013
♀ 40829
Member # 40829
Default  Posted: 3:32 PM, October 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good Luck!

The trust of the innocent is the liar's most useful tool.
Stephen King
Me: BW
Him: WH
Married: 20 years
2 sons, 13 & 17
Raising my sons

Posts: 170 | Registered: Sep 2013
♀ 39803
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, October 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We are living a similar life! I can relate with everything you've said. H has a stressful/consuming job, and I feel like I need more 'care and feeding' than a newborn!

Half the time I stuff it down, a quarter of the time he is too exhausted to engage, and the other quarter we get stuff resolved. But, if i go too long, Boom! I blow up like a Roman Candle. One moment I trigger, and the next i feel like my marriage is stronger than it has ever been. Sigh.

I guess it is part of the terrain! Keep posting; it helps to know you are not alone.

me - BS (45) - DDay - June 2013
A was 2+ months, EA/PA
In MC & Reconciling
"Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point to move forward." -- C.S. Lewis.

Posts: 3521 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
♀ 39558
Member # 39558
Default  Posted: 4:03 PM, October 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OMG this is just what it has been happening to me too. I am in such crazy state of feelings I can even make a decision about what I need or want to do. Today when I read your post, I knew this is exactly what I was going to post about myself.
I have decided instead, to read. It has helped me with other situations and reading over and over again the "understanding 180" and "Tactic to heal" posted in this site, helpa me get over this moments even if only for a few hours or a few days. I recommend you read. I have also requested at my county library some of the books that are recommended on this site.
Sorry I can't be of much help. We all go through the same from time to time and this is the best advise I can give at this moment.
Also, posting and keeping a journal helps me. I hope it helps you too.
Hoping you feel better soon.

Beyond myself
Me: 53 years
WH: 56 years
Married: 30 years
DDAY: Jan 22, 2013

Posts: 18 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Florida
♀ 40769
Member # 40769
Default  Posted: 4:09 PM, October 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh! ((((((( neverdid)))))))) hugs!

I'm so sorry you feel so bad right now. It's such a crazy place to be- ad not knowing how to express it makes it that much more difficult.
Once when I was having trouble articulating what was wrong/what I needed/ what he could do I vented here and reached out for help.
I got so many great ideas and lots of comfort.
When H and I talked that night- I told him I was struggling. When he asked with what, I read him my most recent post. I took the time to express myself enough for fellow SIers to understand, an that was as real and honest as it got. I UNLOAD on this site.
Anyway- I read my post and it promoted one of our most groundbreaking conversations. I will say that my H was at a good place and I think willing to listen- I know it's hard with yours under so much pressure at work. But you are doing the best you can- you know that.

I know it's so hard to be away from him while he's working. It doesn't help that we need so much nurturing and reassurance right now. But don't beat yourself up for not being able to "deal." You are incredibly strong and have made it so far. Take a minute to breath and remind yourself of how strong you really are. You will get through this.
I wish I could give you such a hug.
Take care of yourself, twinnie

Just call me Wonder

If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice.

The axe "forgets"- the tree remembers.

Divorced and super good with tha
2 DS- 15 and 16
DDay 1- 07-24-2013
DDay 2- June something or other 2017

Posts: 1251 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: East Coast
♀ 40568
Member # 40568
Default  Posted: 7:38 PM, October 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for the link, jstbreathe.

Bionicgal, we do seem to be in the same place a lot lately. The travel thing is so hard. It includes weekends and he always works at night. I work weekdays. It's so hard to talk sometimes, and even harder to communicate without touching (my primary love language).

chiquita, I think you're on the right track. Lots of reading really helped me for a while. My struggle now is to find my own voice in this.

Twinnie, thanks for the hugs. I have to admit I'm a little jealous of your Monday hangover. I'd give my right arm for 2 days in a row together. I was hoping to have an experience like yours where I had an aha moment either typing this or reading the responses.

I know we'll get through this, but right now I just feel beaten down. H is trying so hard to help, but he has no idea what to do aside from hold me and reassure me he's in this for the long haul.

BS, 54
M 10 years
second marriage, second WH
4 kids in their 20s

Posts: 438 | Registered: Sep 2013
♀ 40633
Member # 40633
Default  Posted: 9:48 PM, October 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Big hugs, I'm sorry you feel that way.

I've been feeling that way too. What I did that seemed to work was explain to my husband what an emotional cycle I go through on an hourly basis, in detail.

First I'm fine, I'm feeling strong, and using that strength, I make some kind of plans to do something. Then for no reason, ten minutes later, I'm weeping. Through the tears, I become insecure, then furious, then insecure, then furious again, then I start thinking that the fastest way to end my pain is divorce, and I start googling divorce lawyers. Then I re-re-re-re-re-realize that's not what I want at all, and I feel hopeful. Then I feel strong. REPEAT.

So when he asks me "how are you doing?", any answer I give him is only valid for the next, I dunno, five minutes. When I am feeling strong, I tell him that all of those emotions are just coming from the same place: pure pain. I ask him not to get derailed by the manifestations the pain takes (anger, fear, insecurity, sadness), just to understand I'm in pain, and that the same things always help, regardless:

- Communication
- Seeing him doing the work on himself
- Seeing him do nice things for me
- Hearing him apologize

He seems to be doing well with that information.

Me: BW, 30
Him: WH, 36

7 years of double-digit ONS, LTA, hookers - the works.

First found out: August 20, 2013
Whole truth: January 1, 2014

Posts: 168 | Registered: Sep 2013
♀ 40568
Member # 40568
Default  Posted: 9:43 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, Thessalian. I think your post helps me realize
my feeling that in order to explain my feelings they need to be consistent and that's not happening right now.

I'm feeling a little better today, I hope I can build on that.

BS, 54
M 10 years
second marriage, second WH
4 kids in their 20s

Posts: 438 | Registered: Sep 2013
Topic Posts: 8

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