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Saw OW for the first time yesterday..

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BEM817 posted 10/21/2013 15:49 PM

Hi guys, haven't posted much lately, mainly because I trigger something fierce when I do. WH continues to be the model of remorse. I think we are in R, but I certainly am not pulling my weight like I should. I feel stuck and angry and shortchanged. Welcome to year 2, huh? Haven't started back to IC, but know I need to. Yesterday just threw me for a loop and I knew this was a safe place to share since not many know IRL.

I know all about OW. I've stalked its FB profile and I know what it looked like, but I've never had to see it in person. WH, the kids and I went to a local farm yesterday for their fall festival. I had this gnawing feeling in my gut the whole way there. I saw her before we even got out of the car. The kids were so excited I didn't even think of not going. WH hadn't seen her and I didn't mention it. (Should've I know). We were in the line for the hayride and WH was holding my hand. Every muscle in my body was shaking and he noticed and asked what was wrong. I said nothing and then he spotted her. He whispered "let's go" and I said no, I'm not letting her take this away from my family. I felt all the rage and sadness well up in my body at once. I was back at dday. He began apologizing profusely and I didn't say a word. I thought we were home free until we got to the pumpkin patch. There she was with her kids, waiting for the ride back. She didn't spot WH until we were almost off the hay wagon but I saw how startled she was when she saw him. We both got off the wagon and walked right by her without so much as a second glance.

I would never make a scene in front of my kids and I wouldn't do it front of hers. They can't control the fact that they have a POS for a mom. It took every fiber of my being not to scream at her or punch her ugly face. But I didn't because I know it wouldn't make a damn bit of difference. I would still be hurting, but I'd probably be doing it in a jail cell.

I wasn't prepared to see her. We don't live very close and certainly don't run in the same social circles. The funny thing is, I've dreamed about running into her at the grocery store and giving her a piece of my mind.

I feel like its dday all over again and it's more difficult because I can't find my footing in R. I know I did the right thing by not even addressing her, but there's so many things I want to say/scream at her... Eta... This woman pursued my husband even though she knew he was married. This woman had her own marriage end because of her husband's infidelity. This woman who saw to it that my husband lost his job when he broke off the A. She took everything from me and my kids and I want her to pay for it, but not at the expense of my kids or my badly wounded dignity.

Thanks for listening and letting me get that out...

[This message edited by BEM817 at 3:54 PM, October 21st (Monday)]

lovedmesomehim posted 10/21/2013 17:13 PM


You did just fine. Your husband did fine too.

This is one of my greatest fears, and that is to come face to face with the OW. I can only hope I do as well as you did.

In hindsight, aren't you so very happy that you didn't allow her to take the hayride memory away from your children? You and your husband did what we all want:

You two were a solidly united front.

You two put the welfare and safety of your children first.

You two ignored her very presence and clearly told her with your actions that she is no longer a factor in your marriage.


Yes, I am sure you will replay the scenario in your head and add a few more things you wish you'd thought to do. But do you know what? Let it go. You traveled down the narrow, respectful road.

I am also sure it may cause a few more painful conversations between you and your FWH, but communication is a wonderful thing. Don't worry overly much this evening, because it sounds like your husband is willing to help you heal.

Good Job!

Garnet posted 10/21/2013 17:14 PM

So sorry she had to be there and ruin your day!!! You sound like you held it together really well, not sure if I could have!! Also 2 years out and it really still is so fresh in my mind!! Hopefully today is a better day!!

Williesmom posted 10/21/2013 17:20 PM


Awesome job by both of you.

rachelc posted 10/21/2013 18:08 PM

you did great! Your husband whispering that he wanted to leave but you sticking to your guns was great too.

There is so much to swallow when we agree to reconcile... It was enough that there was an affair but the addition of seeing the affair partner just adds to something you didn't ask to deal with.

Kudos to those who can do this! we have a meltdown at our house every time it happens. It's not fair, it's not just, and I'm not putting up with it any more.

Lovedyoumore posted 10/21/2013 18:10 PM

I understand because I have been in your shoes. I came face to face with her on October 14 last year. She had been trolling around since DDay, but that was our first face to face. It is sad that I know the exact date, but other than DDay, it was the most traumatic day I have had. I had to come home and spend the day in a dark house.

But, now the "first sighting, face to face" is over and you survived. That is a good thing. Congratulate yourself for getting through it with grace. You handled yourself with dignity and class which can never be said about the OW. She has no dignity and she has no class.

BEM817 posted 10/22/2013 21:15 PM

Thank you everyone. Sorry for the late reply. Things were crazy last night with kids and such but I wanted to tell you all how much I appreciate your responses. It always feels good to be able to "talk" to others who understand exactly how I am feeling, you know?

It seems my anger has just intensified over the past two days. Seeing her just made me feel so pissed off. Communication with WH is at a standstill. I just say the minimum when what I really want to do is just talk "normally" to him. I feel like there is no normal anymore. The affair just seems to put up a brick wall between the two of us and I don't know how to tear it down.

We're going on 19 months and were in the heart of A season.

Is it my pride getting in the way?

Thessalian posted 10/22/2013 21:40 PM

BEM, I think you did great. My first encounter with OW is looming, but at least I know it's coming. An unexpected run-in would be very unwelcome, and I don't know that I'd handle it as well as you did.

Good on you!

Some thoughts that keep me cool: Whenever I think that OW would be "getting away with it" if I didn't completely unload on her in public, I think back to high school (where many of us suffer our first deep social hurts) and I think about the situations that made me feel the lowest and stuck with me the longest. Those were the times when I lost either my cool or my temper, when I was openly anxious or feeling crazy, when I said something cutting, and the subject of my anger was cool, collected or outwardly more mature than I was.

And I realize I have to be the cool, collected one now, no matter how much I would love to push OW straight into a table of punch. Ultimately, if I unload on her, I give her a layup to play the cool, collected one, and hurt me even more. And by being the chill one myself (at least outwardly, no matter how furious I'm feeling), I'll force any potential embarrassment out of my court and into hers.

Stay classy!

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