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I have gained something, but is it real?

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chiquita posted 10/21/2013 16:58 PM

I have been having a bad couple of weeks. I guess part of it is because our sex life is not any better than it was before his A, which makes me feel not wanted and only as a partner and not a real wife, with all the benefits. Before the A, I felt he didn't want to be with me, he says he did and he says he does, but in real life nothing happens. I don't want to be only his partner, I want to be for him everything he is/was for me: friend, partner, lover.
Now, after a few not so bad months, I am back questioning my decision to stay married to him and reconcile. I am not even sure he stopped communicating with her, I am even thinking that there was more than one OW during the year he was cheating.
I don't know if this is my mind torturing me or if it is real. I haven't been able to find any proof of broken NC since DDAY in January.
His goal is not to give me any reason to leave him or D and he goes to extremes to please me in everything I want to do, buy or any other decision that has to be made about any part of our lives. According to him as long as I am happy he is ok. Is this real remorse and doing the work? It would seem that way, but he still has not accepted he cheated even though I have proof (intimate pictures of the two of them) that I found on his computer. I am still trying to find more information, and have told myself I will make a decision of whether to stay or leave by December, hoping that I will feel more in control of myself by then and can leave with whatever decision I make and also that I can find the proof of the A that he is denying.
Is this codependency from him and from me? Am I setting myself to be hurt even more by pretending to accept his "truth" about the A?
Please guide me on how to handle this situation? Should I disclose to him the things I know that will show that he was in fact cheating?
I am hurting again so bad. I thought I was over this already but it is all coming back with confusion I thought was clearing up.

dameia posted 10/22/2013 13:13 PM

I am so sorry you are struggling right now.

So from what I understand, he hasn't even admitted to the A? And you haven't shown him the proof that you have?

I would suggest that before you confront him with your proof, you make copies and hide them in a safe place that he doesn't know about. That way, when you say "I know about XYZ, here are pictures I found" he won't be able to delete them and claim you're crazy.

I found emails that incriminated my WH and I confronted him over the phone (he was traveling). While we were talking on the phone he was deleting all the emails! Luckily I had forwarded some of them to a secret email account, but the majority of them were lost. So definitely make the copies!

Please don't settle for the lies he is telling you. You deserve the truth. Him buying you what you want, letting you make all the decisions, etc. isn't going to help you heal. All he is doing is placating you to avoid the really hard work that is involved in fixing a M.

As for the co-dependency, I'm afraid I can't help you there. Hopefully someone will come along soon who can help.

sisoon posted 10/22/2013 13:54 PM

Also, can you move from 'give you no reason to D' to 'give you multiple reasons to stay married'?

Do you have requirements for R? Usual reqs include but aren't limited to NC; IC for him and maybe you; maybe MC; transparency - he keeps you informed of his whereabouts, companions, and communications; and honesty - answering questions truthfully is part of that.

Also, you can add specific reqs for yourself. I wanted my W to treat me better than she treated ow, so she has to arrange dates for us, basically on a weekly basis. (We got a bonus - she's better at it than I am.)

The reqs are observable. For example, if you don't have free access to his phone or e-mail, he fails. If he lies to you, he fails.

Meeting the reqs requires a lot more commitment than just not giving you a reason to D.

ladies_first posted 10/22/2013 15:52 PM

I am still trying to find more information, and have told myself I will make a decision of whether to stay or leave by December,

Ambivalence (limbo) is the back-and-forth decision: R or D?

Here's a book that helped me: “Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship” by Mira Kirshenbaum. There are a series of 36 questions to help you take a big picture look at your marriage; the focus is not on affairs, but there are questions about trust, intimacy, emotional connections.

A quote from her: "Staying ambivalent can cause tremendous damage. Being stuck can end up killing you emotionally if you stay when you should be getting out. And it can end up killing your relationship if you keep thinking about leaving when it could be fixed if you only put energy into it. You can end up being deprived of joy and freedom, of intimacy and hope."

chiquita posted 10/28/2013 20:04 PM

Such good advice from sll of you. Sisoon, I think I will definitely make my list of reasons to stay and reasons to leave in the most sincere way I can so that I can try to understand my feelings, expectations and such to help me make my decision.
Dameia, any advice on how to get the proof that I need of him breaking NC? That is my main doubt, I have no doubts about the affair and he knows I have the proof.It is the present situation where I think he is still in contact with her that is killing me. And on top of everything tomorrow is her birthday and I have been thinking that he is either going to call her or email her or something and that bothers me a great deal not only for breaking NC but because he never puts much effort in my birthday.

You are so right ladies_first, the ambivalence is not good for me, the children and in the long run for the relationship. I had decided I wasn't going to leave, which was my first impulse, because I was in such state of chaos that I couldn't trust myself. I have however decided to stay because I love him and before the A he was a good husband. But now the doubting all the time, the pain when I think he is communicating with her, and not knowing for sure is just not something that I want for the rest of my life. As soon as I finish the book I am reading right now, I will read the one you are recommending. I so hope to find answers to my situation.
Thank you again all for your support.

crossroads2010 posted 12/9/2013 05:02 AM

Like the others have said, you are still so early in this process & dday antiversary is upcoming. My first dday antiversary was in Oct 2010 and I was a nutcase from Aug-Jan. Thoughts of the A, him & her, worrying about what I may not know, etc dominated me. Evey year since it is hard, but easier every time. All I have is coping strategies...

Do you have an IC...not MC..for just you? Use hr (or him) as much as you can during this tme.

Focus on you...doing things to improve your health, self-esteem...nurture yor interests outside the marriage.

This may sound weird, but when I get really down, I work on what I call my plan B...if this doesn't work out....if he contacts her again... what new direction will my life take...what opportunities will I allow myself.I think part of what makes us anxious is the fear of the unknown.

I am in my 50's also and even though starting over seems scary at this age, it is also an exciting time of are leaving or will be soon, retiremnt and/or new career is still possble...just reinventing your life is still doable.

The pain and grieve doen't just dissolve ever but you do get past are becoming stronger.

The Kirshenbaum book sounds likeone I need to read also.

Wishin you peace.

sodamnlost posted 12/9/2013 05:34 AM

Do you feel like you have the whole story? Is he giving you reasons to think the affair is underground? When I have gone down this bunny trail, at the end I usually realize it's not that WH is giving me reasons to think he is in another affair but I have no trust because I don't have the full story. He doesn't come to me with negative feelings. He never tells me things I don't already know. All this adds up to me having no trust - for good reasons too sadly. If he can't talk to me about stuff I already know (ie his affair), I have no reason to believe he would talk to me if his head started going down the same nasty trail that got us here. Just throwing it out there.

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