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Am I reading too much into FB post

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Joanh posted 10/21/2013 17:04 PM

So as some of you may have seen it was our wedding anniversary his 40 birthday and the beginning of Dday. Last year bday party for BH, the OM tried to mark his territory at the party , which started my Bh questioning and I denied it. :-( talk about stupid , that's a whole different issue.
So my BH left a face book saying" thanks for the bday wishes but he'll take kisses from the ladies and beer from the guys. " Which I wasn't too upset about. Considering how he must be feeling He really wanted these days to pass.
Now the cincher. The girl who he had been emailing back and forth to with the possibility of RA , who he then informed via email not to contact him anymore as I knew about it and even though its a fucked up situation it would make it worse.
She is the exwife of the OM . They were close friends of ours. She had cheated on the OM and they had separated a before my A happened with the OM and were divorcing.
Well she Left a FB mssg giving him a kiss and hoping he had a good day. Others did to which I acknowledge.
My wonder now was that a jab, cause my BH said for her not to contact or is my BH still in contact with her even though he says he's not?
I don't know.
She is still part of a circle of friends and my girlfriend thinks she wants to be my friend again? I don't know.
I had thought to talk to her and apoligise . I just don't know?

[This message edited by Joanh at 5:06 PM, October 21st (Monday)]

Jrazz posted 10/21/2013 17:12 PM

It's one of the two.

Honestly, my mind goes to the possibility that this "public" broadcast was for her.

If you two are in R, that shit needs to stop now. OM's EXW knows exactly what she is doing. She was hurt, and it appears that now she can send kisses to married men. It's RA entitlement, from what I can see, and even if they haven't breached any more contact, this is really and truly inappropriate.

Your H should not have put that post up. It's disrespectful, and you don't deserve it just because of your history. You are trying to approach your relationship with integrity, and if he wants you there he should be doing the same.

ExW is in a bad space. She does not need to be in contact with your H for any reason. It's just not healthy.

cl131716 posted 10/21/2013 18:27 PM

If he is not supposed to have any contact with her how is it that she can even see his posts? She should be blocked from his facebook page.

Joanh posted 10/21/2013 18:30 PM

Cause he didn't feel like the contact before was her fault and that it wasn't fair to do to her.

Jrazz posted 10/21/2013 18:37 PM

I think he needs a reminder that the key to a healthy M is not worrying whether we're being "fair" to someone at the expense of our spouse.

3xloser posted 10/21/2013 18:40 PM

I agree. She should be blocked on facebook.

soconfusednow posted 10/21/2013 23:21 PM

that it wasn't fair to do to her.

I'd be asking who is more important her or you?

heartache101 posted 10/22/2013 00:04 AM

I hope you have access to his phone and emails. He needs to go NC with her.
There is no excuse for doing something that makes your spouse uneasy... BS or WS doesnt matter.

You ok?

nealos posted 10/22/2013 08:05 AM

So my BH left a face book saying" thanks for the bday wishes but he'll take kisses from the ladies and beer from the guys. " Which I wasn't too upset about. Considering how he must be feeling He really wanted these days to pass.
Now the cincher. The girl who...

Are you sure you're not too upset about his message? It was disrespectful, in my opinion. I think you should be upset by it-- and my guess is if you stopped trying to rationalize his facebook post, you'd realize that the root of your anger is at him and not her.

I love Facebook, but when I was trying to set things right with my xF I disabled my account for months. It needed to be done... and my social life didn't melt away. Perhaps you guys need some boundaries around social media. I see no reason to be facebook "friends" with someone who's part of a no-contact boundary. It's unacceptable, really. Perhaps you guys should both give up Facebook for a period of 2mo? ...even if it's his friends that are posting inappropriate comments, it's you who is stalking his page and reading into everything. Sounds unhealthy for both of you.

I think studying up boundaries would be advisable. Good luck-- I hope my message wasn't too harsh.

Joanh posted 10/22/2013 09:19 AM

No no easy contact to his email or phone. He believes since he is not checking my phone or my emails that he is going on blind faith and all he's been honest about how he's feeling that I do not need to have his passwords or be able to see his information>
He sees no reason for me to think he is dishonest.
As for being angry a my H , yes I am there is no doubt about that. I am angry he posted it and opened it up again and that he never did a full no contact and now since he hasn't even mentioned or said anything, I do feel disrespected.
I am having a hard time trying to figure out when I have the right to say anything.
What I have been does not deserve respect anyways. The girl involved will not have any respect for me either but also isn't showing any respect to my H either.
Its going to have to wait till home from work,though which is in about 6 days , he works away.
Maybe by then I'll have a few things thought out.
I am going to write itin a letter to him. I have a hard time talking because my emotions get me and I start crying. So I become useless in getting my thoughts out .

Unagie posted 10/22/2013 12:47 PM

I think the comment is disrespectful. I think he continues to disrespect you by allowing her in his life in any way. They are both using a lot of entitlement here. Your actions do not entitle him to treat you badly if he wants to stay with you. He is more then "entitled" to walk away from the relationship but not to treat you badly.

silverhopes posted 10/22/2013 13:24 PM

There's a reason why there are so many folks on the madhatter forum. Among other things, because poor boundaries are poor boundaries no matter what. It seems your BH has some alarmingly poor boundaries. Kisses from the ladies... and he's allowed to say that because he's a BH? Really? And the woman he considered having an "R"A with is still able to be in touch with him, herself an adulteress (you'd said she cheated on her H (the OM) as well).

I'd say your BH might really need to question his boundaries right now and what's appropriate. I don't think you're reading too much into the Facebook post, Joanh.

DefeatedDad posted 10/22/2013 15:55 PM

It was a pretty sh!tty thing for him to do. It was definitely a revenge jab at you for the memories of what you did to him on his last birthday. I don't think he was fishing for the OMW. I think he knew the people who knew if your affair would get the message he was sending. He wanted to embarrass you.

Way I look at it you can either take the high road and ignore it or you can write a letter to him telling him what you think. I would say something to the effect of:

"Hubby, that FB post you made on your BD was uncalled for and out if line. I know I did a horrible thing and hurt you in the worst way with my cheating, but please don't stoop to that level yourself. You are too good of a man to be petty and nasty in that way.

Secondly, I do not appreciate you keeping the OMW as a friend in FB. She deliberately tried to get you to sleep with her out of revenge towards me and OM,and you being the decent person you are did not go through with it. Her greeting to you on your BD was hugely disrespectful to me and I do not appreciate it. I have been keeping up my side of the deal by working to fix myself and to show you every day how remorseful I am and how much I want to be your wife for life. But you need to show at least a modicum of respect for me and block her from your FB account. I do love you more than anything by the way. "

Or something like that.

[This message edited by DefeatedDad at 3:56 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday)]

topperoff22 posted 10/22/2013 16:00 PM

Why isn't she blocked? I agree with others who say this is wrong on a few different levels. But this is just from reading about it here. I hope it is ok I post here. I clicked on it from the main forum list because the title struck me.

MissesJai posted 10/22/2013 16:14 PM

fuck that. he's so wrong it's not even funny. If he didn't want contact from her, he should've blocked her, but he didn't. He knows exactly what he's doing and he has no intention of stopping it because he's entitled. Period.

SI Staff posted 10/22/2013 16:17 PM


BSs are free to post in the wayward forum on non stop-sign posts.

Joanh posted 10/22/2013 16:34 PM

Thanks all for posting. This has been a long time problem, he sees no wrong, because they didn't do anything, and she is not at fault cause I cause all of this to happen.
Yes I know he's justifying, and I am scared as hell he is going to cross his own line.
I know I am going to have to step up for myself and grab back some self respect and dignity. That's the other problem, I feel like I have no leg to stand on.
And I am afraid to find out that yes he has been lying or that I am not important enough.
And as he said all of this wouldn't be happening if I hadn't cheated.

Thank you to all I really appreciate you all helping with trying to figure my way through.
And only hope I can help you too.
It will be next week before Ill do anything as I need to see his face. To know if he's lying. I figured it out before :-( So know the signs now.

silverhopes posted 10/22/2013 16:51 PM

And as he said all of this wouldn't be happening if I hadn't cheated.

If he's feeling hurt and frustrated (normal feelings during recovery), then he needs to TALK about them, not go out and have horrible boundaries with other women. In time hopefully he will understand that the same way his actions did not make you have an A, that your actions didn't make him choose to break his morals and attempt an affair himself (and frankly, if it was mutually understood between them that they wanted a "revenge" affair, then I'd question if they didn't at least have an EA). HE is responsible for his own actions. He can validate the hurt he's feeling without going out and becoming an adulterer. Does he understand that that's what he's attempting to do?

For that matter, do you understand that it is NOT YOUR FAULT if he does?

[This message edited by silverhopes at 4:52 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday)]

DefeatedDad posted 10/22/2013 17:08 PM

Just because you were an idiot doesn't give him the right to treat you like piece of furniture. He is blatantly emotionally abusing you.

He does need help. He needs counseling.

MissesJai posted 10/22/2013 17:24 PM

And as he said all of this wouldn't be happening if I hadn't cheated.
I CALL BULLSHIT! I swear, people can't own their own shit to save their lives. Give me a damn break. Your cheating has NOTHING to do with the choices HE makes. IMO, he's been waiting for the right reason to step over the line - your A was just what he needed and how he's taking full advantage.

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